Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Total Breakdown

I think that I'm close to a mental breakdown. It's getting harder and harder for me to fake it at work and I've never been good at lying to myself. I'm afraid of how I might be this weekend when Heels and Johnny Logic and their family come South and have a bbq. Just thinking about it is making my stomach flutter. All those people. Christ.

But I have to keep it together through the 8th of July. I'm going South myself to visit my brother and sister-in-law for that weekend. See some fireworks. Go to Anime Expo. Now my stomach feels worse and my heart is beating too fast.

I've been in a dark place for a while now, but I can feel it affecting me in a bigger way. Sometimes it scares me. Sometimes it makes me want to cry, but no tears come. And I'm not sure what's causing it. And I'm not sure what to do about it either.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Small Mistake

Taking a day off in the middle of the week was a bad idea. I really don't want to go back tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Minor Concerns

There is a job opportunity in one of the most beautiful places in this
state. It would be a promotion and now that I have experience in a
personnel department I would be more likely to be interviewed. And the
work they do is something amazing, important, and sometimes inspiring.

Yet, since yesterday, I've been only considering sending in an application.

I've never had an adventurous spirit (upside of the safe world of
books and role playing games, that is) and moving to a place that's
practically three hours from anywhere that I know, or want to know, is
way out of my comfort zone.

Then there's the weather. It gets quite a bit of snow up there and not
the dry stuff that can be brushed off a window like they get in so
much of the country. No, this is Sierra Cement: snow that comes down
heavy, hard, and wet; snow that is always 1/5th slush on the bottom
when the temperature's anything above freezing snow that weighs
branches down and cracks 'em off with little effort.

I can drive in the snow. I okay at it. I'm not so good at keeping calm
about the fucking morons that drive in the snow and ice with me,
though. They're the ones with bald tires who stop on a five degree
incline and get stuck. They're the ones who decided to slam on their
breaks in two inches of slush rather than down shifting (even
automatics can be down shifted) or gently pulsing their breaks.
Driving in the snow out here in the West is hard enough with idiots
and jackasses making it harder.

The idiot drivers probably aren't local, but the tourists who drive up
there to ski in the winter. Summer is even worse for tourists because
the weather up there is mild and sunny and the lake is huge and clear
and cold. There's gambling across the state line which encourage
drinking because the drinks are free as long as you feed money to the
long armed machine.

I'm not a fan of tourists crowding up the streets of a small town. I
grew up in a small town and there were insane days during the summer
when the streets were clogged with cars full of crap and the one
sidewalk was full of gawkers looking in the windows of "antique"
stores. Gah. I know I'm just a hick when I head into SF and stare at
the building along with the thousands of other yokels who end up there
each day. Still adding ten thousand tourists to a city of eight
hundred thousand is nothing like adding a thousand tourists to a city
of six thousand people.

Still, as much as I hate tourists it doesn't seem like enough of a
reason to not be willing to move there, but it's enough to make me
pause, for a really long time. I don't even know if I'd be given an
interview, let alone offered the job, but it's worth thinking about,
isn't it? Shouldn't one consider everything before applying to a job
that one only sort of wants in a place one isn't sure he's willing to
move to? For the right job I would move to a big city and there would
be no hesitation.

Hell, at one point I really wanted a job down in Los Angeles because
the place I would have worked would have been amazing and I HATE Los
Angeles. Too many horrible people with too little consideration for
the horrible people they live near. It's a terrible place, but if I
had been called to work at that job the only hesitation would have
been deciding if I needed a roommate.

So, I'm going to sit and think about maybe sending in an application
to a job that I sort of want at a place that does good things in a
city that's beautiful except for the people who visit but don't
actually live there.

Thursday, June 06, 2013

A Somebody

If I had a somebody I would do my best to convince that somebody to fly down to San Diego then spend a week, or more, driving up Highway 1 all the way to Seattle then fly back. That' what I would do with a somebody.

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Emotional Manipulation

The fuckers killed Dr. Janet Fraiser! After seven years of saving lives they killed her!
And the worst thing is knowing that my reaction is exactly the kind of reaction the writers and producers wanted. Assholes.

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

"I don't care much..."

I think that one of the main reasons I'm so bipolar about my job is
that I can't find a reason to care. Even when I was miserable in past
jobs, and I was very miserable in past jobs, there was something that
made me want to keep going.

Usually it was because I liked several of the people and knew that if
I failed they would fail and I didn't want to be responsible for that.

Here, I just don't care for the people. Sure, I've only been here two
months, but I just don't care. The only thing I care about is that
certian people don't get overwhelmed just because it just doesn't
occur to others that those at a lower level are being piled upon. And
that makes me sad and angry, too.

Recenly in interviews when I've been asked about a weakness I've been
answering that I tend to gather work to me. I pick up bits of work
here and there when I'm not busy or when someone needs some help and
then I just keep it all the while still gathering more. And while I
haven't done so well at stopping this behavior I have gotten better
about talking about it with my supervisor and they help to spread the
work back out among staff.

Here, I keep gathering work so that other's don't get too overwhelmed
and becuase I was promoted, sort of, I will be giving a lot of this
work up. When I talk to my managers they seem to grasp my complaint
while we are talking, but it's gone from their mind once I'm out of
sight. And I'm starting to get to the point where I just don't care.
I'd rather keep a rat's ass, thank you very much.

Today, I was caught in the middle of a situation that I had no
information about, but I was doing my best to get things settled. At
one point I went to someone who was directly involved for an
explaination and I asked if she would come up front and explain if a
more thorough explaination was needed. She told me that I have been
promoted and I need to start settling these things on my own. I told
her that I wasn't involved in the original situation, but thrown into
a small part of it on Friday. She just gave a shut-the-fuck-up look. I
left because it wouldn't have done any good arguing.

I've only been here two months and I'm sick of the bullshit and I
really don't care if we fail. In fact, part of my might be a little
happy if we fail.

Monday, June 03, 2013


If I could, I would stop myself from taking my current job. There are days when I'm getting close to work where I feel like crying and screaming at the same time. And there seems to be less of a buffer between days where I have that feeling. Of course I sometimes feel the same way when I leave. Too bad neither one does any good. Doesn't even seem to release the feelings building inside.

Sunday, June 02, 2013


They take a long time to make, but it always seems to be worth it.