"What are we going to do without you?"

To get it out of the way, I have been told that I "suckle at the government's tit."

I've worked for the State as a low level office drone for almost seven years. For most of my years I've pushed paper and answered phones. I've done piddly-ass work so that the "real" work, the "important" work, can be done by those higher up.

I used to work for a different department, but there was no place to go there. My boss told me that. So, I moved where I thought there would be opportunities. I moved where the money was. A month later, the money was gone and so were the opportunities. Plus, I hated, HATED my boss and the work that I was doing. It wore me down.

So, even though I had sent out a bunch of applications for a position that's a step higher I took a job at the same level within the same department, but with a different supervisor. Stress level, better. Sleep, no longer full of creepy dreams about babies. It took 13 months to get out of it, though.

After a couple of month of working in the new position, sometime in January, my boss took me aside and basically asked me what the hell I was doing at my level. I told her that I'd been trying to get a different job, but that the few interviews I'd gone to hadn't done anything for me. I don't think I screwed any of them up, just got the feeling that the people I interviewed with wanted to promote from within rather than give the fat, geeky guy a chance. (Yes, I am bitter. Why do you ask?) Still, I told her that I was trying, just nothing much was coming from all the applications I'd sent out.

She gave me a speech about how she supports upward mobility blah, blah, blah, and that I should keep trying.

Of course, I have been trying. In the past three months I've sent out over 50 applications. (I know because it takes two friggin' stamps to send an application and I've use up a roll of 100 and then some.) Most of them have been for the promotion, a couple for the same level. Last week was the first interview I had since March (February?). It was for my current level, but I need to keep in practice and it's for a place that will, eventually, be interviewing for that next level. I thought it would be good to get my face out there.

The interview went well. I made the panel laugh. I had a good story about teamwork. I took a half hour when they had penciled in 15 minutes and they didn't try to hurry me. I had a decent answer to the "best and worst" qualities question. I watched them fill up their papers with my answers. I was full of very specific questions about where the job will be. I felt good. (Of course, I've felt good about all the interviews I've had in the past year.)

Today, my supervisor came and told me that she was called for a reference check. Then she says, "I don't think we'll be able to get along without you."

A little later the second in command, a woman who I respect and admire, told me about the reference check and asked, "What will we do without you?"

After the staff meeting, where I take minutes, I told my boss not to worry about the room because I'd already been in contact with the people in charge and I'd taken care of it. She said, "I don't think we can let you go." Sure, she was smiling when she said it, but she said it. I was glad the call came in before the meeting.

While I was cleaning up my office a different supervisor, not in charge of me, but in charge of people I work with, told me that I can't leave. They need me.

The thing is, if offered, I probably won't take the job. I want, and finally believe that I deserve, a promotion. I know that I'm a problem because I don't understand the game. I don't know how to get my nose all brown. (I have a problem of answering the questions I'm asked honestly.) I don't want to move two hours away for no movement in my employment, start a lease, then get an interview and an offer from a step up that's in another town entirely. I can't afford two leases. If I could I wouldn't be looking for a step up.

Of course, this leads to the question of why stick with this whole system, right? Well, I've never been hired by a place that wasn't desperate for someone until this last move. My first job in college I got because two of their staff members quit during the first week of school. My next job was at a Starbucks that was opening and they only started interviewing people a month before the opening and we were understaffed when we opened. (I haven't had many jobs. I stay where I am for a while.) When I got hired by the state the office had been short five people and were eager to finally get staffed. When I moved to this department they were interviewing for three positions and, I found out later, only interviewed six people.

Plus, I'm vested in the pension program. Sure, I have more than thirty years until I retire and by then the more conservative elements may finally have their way and eliminate the pension because those of us in the state obviously people like me don't work, but I'm vested. Every year I get closer to a retirement that a person can actually live off of and medical benefits that won't punish me for going to the doctor as I age. These are the reasons I was willing to work for the state in the first place.

None of that matters, though. What matters is how my coworkers, people who have told me that I do good work, that I should be working at a higher level, are trying to make me feel guilty for wanting to move on while attempting to make it sound like a complement.

It, literally, makes me feel sick to my stomach. I felt fine until my boss ended our first conversation with  "I don't think we'll be able to get along without you."

And so I end my rant. I apologize, but I needed to get it out there. To ask if it's just me being a paranoid asshole or what. I just don't know anymore.

Thanks.

Even though we all knew...

I did not get that job I interviewed for a week-and-a-half ago. Shocker!

However, one of the people doing the interview came to me personally and said that I was in their top three (or five, depending on when I listened to her). She also said that she and the other woman interviewing me saw that I was ready to be put into an analyst position and that I was being wasted (my word, not her's) at my current level. She also hinted that there may soon be more analyst level position being introduced where I'm at.

I thanked her and didn't roll my eyes.

I have depressing and sad questions I want to ask, but I think I'll keep them to myself this evening.

Like a Hippo in the Desert

The usual complaint: I don't like my job.

The surprise: I don't HATE it like I did my last job.

The unfortunate truth: I can't seem to settle into a comfortable loathing.

I didn't like my job when I lived in the North Bay. Just scroll through, oh, just about every post I wrote from September 2005 through September 2010 and you'll see how much I didn't like the job. With the exception of the time they forced us into using a horrible, horrible computer program (seriously it was "paperless," but my office used twice as much paper after we started to use it and even though the page for a person had their address it neglected to show their zip-code, to find the zip-code you had to click five different links), I didn't hate where I was. Eventually I settled into a comfortable loathing of the situation and my biggest frustration was that there was no where for me to promote to.

So, I moved to the physical location I'm at now. I thought that if I came here there'd be opportunity. I'd work hard and do a good job and when a position for a promotion came up I'd get a good shot at it because I'd have an in. Except that since I got here there have only been two openings for the next step up. One I didn't interview for because I could be closer to the asshole boss I had at the time and the other one I really wasn't qualified for. And so for the next six months I tossed out applications to other places with no response.

Eventually I had two interviews. Both at my current location. Both in the same class that I'm in now. I was offered both jobs and jumped at one of them because I had to get away from the job that was giving me stress dreams. And it is so much less stressful. (I haven't had any dreams about having babies forced on me for months.)

The biggest problem with this current job is that there isn't enough work for me. I know that sound's crazy, but it's the way it is. There are three other people in my classification in this group and we all do the same work. One of us has her own special location, so her work isn't horned in on. The other two and I all deal with the same pile of work and it isn't enough for three people. I think it's just the right amount for two people though. When one of us is on vacation there's plenty of work to do, but not so much that anyone becomes overwhelmed and we're only occasionally bored.

And I've been continually sending out applications for a promotion. Since I got this job I think I've been on six interviews that would be a promotion. Obviously I haven't gotten any offers. I have another one on Friday, but I'm not going to get the job. (I'm not just being negative. There's been a woman filling in for the past three months. She's going to get the job because she's been doing the job.) Part of me doesn't want to go to the interview, but I need to for the exposure, if for no other reason.

I'm hoping that I'll be good enough in the interview that maybe the next time an out-of-class appointment comes up I'll be thought of because I don't know how else to do it. There's some sort of game to the situation, I know that much. The problem is that I don't know what the board looks like, let alone know any of the rules. How can I play the game? Do I even want to play the game? If it has to do with schmoozing can I play it? Maybe there's some way around the game. Maybe if I am good enough at my job someone will take notice and give me a shot.

That's why tomorrow I'm mailing out an application for my current level at a place that's even bigger than where I am. I hope, but don't really believe, that if I get in I can dazzle through my work ethic and when I get an interview I'll finally have been able to help myself. Is it possible to get people to notice you by doing what you're supposed to do really, really well?

I hope so.

I wished I believed so.

Of Work and House

The second week of October I started a new job, sort of. I have the same title. The same pay. The same lack of respect. I'm not scheduling nurses anymore, though. I'm scheduling inmates for dental appointments. Inmates can't come to me and bitch about why they're scheduled when. They can't make bizarre demands. (No, I can't just schedule you for four days this week. You have to check with your supervisor.)

The problem (and I always have a problem since I, apparently don't know how to be happy) is that I don't use my brain much. Scheduling the nurses, I was constantly solving minor and, too often, major problems. I was always creating alternate plans. When I presented a supervisor of the director of nursing with an idea I had to think though what I was saying to try to convince them that I was right. My job now is just me inputting information into the computer, scheduling guys to see my doctor, and double checking what I just did. It's boring and thoughtless.

It is less stressful, though.

Of course, I'm not really happy and I'm stuck in a small room that has no windows with a lady who's tired of all the bullshit she's had to put up with for the last four year but tries to put a positive spin on things and a lady who just hates her job and her life and is willing to share loudly and in detail. Our boss sticks her nose into everything, and she's nice and all, but she doesn't really know what she's talking about because she doesn't do the work on a daily basis. Sure, she had the basic training and looks at the program every day, but since she doesn't do the work she doesn't know or understand all the details. (I don't either, since I've only been there for four weeks, but I'm learning quickly because I spend most of my eight hour days doing the work.) I ran into this problem when I worked entering data up in North Bay. I don't expect the boss to know I the details of the work I'm doing, but I like it a lot better when the boss trusts his or her subordinates.

Oh, and to top all this off I'm still fucking living with my parents. In a room where the shelf space is taken up with other peoples' crap. And it's been over a year. [sarcasm]Joy![/sarcasm]

Why am I still living with my parents if I don't like it? Well, it all started about eleven-or-twelve-or-thirteen months ago when I decided that I hated the job I was in and had to get out ASAP. That's when my plan fell apart. My original plan was to stay with my parent no longer than the new year. But when I started looking for a new job I thought it logical to not get stuck with a lease when it was possible I'd be working somewhere an hour or more away. (I don't like to drive thirty minutes, why would I drive an hour?) I figured that I'd throw out applications, get a few interviews, and be moved along no later than June. Come June, no fucking interviews. I was still sending out applications, though, to jobs that would be a promotion and jobs at my current level, so by October, for sure!

During the summer I had one interview. It was hundreds of miles to the South and near-ish to the coast. It was a long interview. A good interview. I knew when I left, though, that I wasn't going to get it. They knew that I wanted to promote and this was a job at my current classification level in a city hundreds of miles from my family and the friends they assumed I had. In the end I didn't get it.

A month later, I interviewed, at my current level, for a secretary position for an AW where I work. About six weeks after that, I interviewed for another position at my current level where I work. Eventually, after another week I get offered the first position, I was their second choice, but would rather have the second one I interviewed for. I talked it over with some people and decided the second one was a better choice for me and made sure I was still in the running before declining the first. (I hope this is clear.) When I was finally, officially, offered the second position, I started pulling listings and looking for a clean, well lighted place of my own.

Then, the week before I started, I was asked to an interview up in Cowcity for a promotion. (Last week, which was 3 weeks after the interview, the guy said they still hadn't decided. I'm afraid that he's just a coward and won't tell me that I'm forever trapped where I am.) With the chance of a promotion to a city 100ish miles away, as the car drives, I really shouldn't be thinking of getting myself trapped into a lease. Two weeks after that interview I interviewed up at a prison in Far North Coast. Also for a promotion. (I didn't get that job, but they said that I was would be really good at doing it and should apply for the position again, somewhere else. Of course, there are only 35 positions like that in the whole fucking state and too many of them are in places that I ain't gonna move to.) This week I went and took a test in Cowcity for a different classification. It would be a little less money, but it would get in away from lay-offs and into a place where they do good work and I could show that I work hard and well and they should FUCKING promote me to a higher level.

Hence, I'm stuck in a room where there's a 10-year old computer my pop still uses to load his iPod with. (He won't sync it with his newer computer for some dumb-ass paranoid reason.) A room that has two giant, probably broken, speaker sitting on a half file cabinet. A room with piles of empty boxes because you just never know. A room where I have books and movies in boxes on the floor because the shelves are all taken up. A room that I am continuously told is "my room," but I can't use most of it.

And yet I haven't looked at any kind of place to move, locally, because there's some bullshit optimism in me that keeps telling me that I'll be out of here soon and on to somewhere different, maybe even better.

And so I wallow in myself and I don't do anything. I'm just so very tired, you know? Tired of trying. Tired of hoping. Tired of working. Tired of thinking. Tired. And not in that funny Madeline Kahn way, either.

Where are the woods?

I suppose we should talk, Universe (or whatever).

On Friday, you made me, well, not quite happy because I haven't really been happy in a while, but you made me feel good. You gave me a job interview on Tuesday. Not just another interview at the same level, but an interview for a job that would be a promotion. I haven't had an interview like that for four or five years. I guess I was excited.

And that excitement led to a decent weekend of nothing. I watched the first season of Louis. I caught up on e-mail and my feed reader. I was generally lazy, but felt okay about it.

Sure, there were things that happened, things I was told, things that I thought that weren't so great, but I had an interview for a promotion on Tuesday.

Sunday night I couldn't get to sleep. My mind raced with thoughts that I'd rather not repeat. I didn't get to sleep until about four-and-a-half hours before I had to wake up for work on Monday. I had an interview on Tuesday for a promotion, though.

At work this morning I was told, without actually being told, that a nurse is being asked to resign and she will resign, leaving us another nurse short. Then I found out that half our clerical staff are out, but should have been told hours before I did find out. And then, forty minutes before, I got volunteered to take minutes at a meeting I've never been to before and don't know what they are looking for. (Let me put it this way, Universe (or whatever), at a staff meeting you just write down the crap people say. At this meeting they were actually expecting specific things to be taken down because they are important and could come up at a lawsuit.) And I was unhappy, but I kept thinking about that interview for a promotion.

But then, Universe (or whatever), I got an e-mail. And what did that e-mail say? It said that the interviews tomorrow were cancelled. My presence, Universe (or whatever), was neither required nor requested in Cow City.

And I still had the fucking meeting to go to so that I could take minutes.

Fuck you, Universe (or whatever). Fuck you.

Maybe we need some time apart.

Once more unto...

Had an interview today. It was at the place I currently work for a job with the same title and pay as I have now. However I would be learning new things and one of the interviewers, the one in charge of all the clerical staff, said that if the right person were to be found on her staff she'd be aiming to train that person toward an analyst position she's hoping to have created soon.

I was able to curb my moodiness (I faked it, but I never maked it) for about forty minutes of interview. They laughed at the joke I made even before the interview and they set me at ease. I felt good about this one.

'Course my track record about feeling good about interviews has been quite poor.

Another One

An interview conducted by me with me.

JTI: It's been a week since you drove to Oregon, how was it?

JTA: Well, any fleeting fantasies I may have had about being a long-haul trucker are now gone.

JTI: Long drive.

JTA: Very long. More than ten hours long. Minus ten minutes to buy a burger and pee, I never exited my car on the way up. On the way back, I did get gas in Oregon and stop to pee in the woods, once.

JTI: Oh... Kay. So, why were you up there, again?

JTA: My brother got married on the first.

JTI: Nice wedding?

JTA: Yeah. It was at a lighthouse and there was a rock covered in puffins, and their poop. The temperature was nice when the wind wasn't blowing. The preacher/pastor guy did a good job and left religion out of it, which made me happy because shouldn't a marriage be between the people getting married and not the people and God?

The reception, well, it seemed a little muddled to me, though.

JTI: What does that mean?

JTA: My brother and his wife aren't really "traditional" people, but they bought a book (or looked it up online or something) about traditions at weddings and then got into the mode that they had to do certain things.

JTI: Like what?

JTA: First dance. Dance with opposite gendered parents. (Although my brother didn't do his.) Isolated table. Speeches by only certain people. Cake cutting ceremony. Wedding party table set way far away from guests. Nothing that was a big deal, but things that didn't strike me as in character for the two who got married.

Things that were in character was the mimosas at breakfast. The tarts instead of a cake. A tray full of dry salami. The music. (How often do you hear Donovan, James Darren, They Might Be Giants, and The Traveling Wilburys at a wedding?) The time the wedding took place. The speeches given by the bestmen.

JTI: So, how was it?

JTA: People seemed to enjoy it quite a bit.

JTI: You?

JTA: I enjoyed it as much as I've enjoyed any wedding.

JTI: And that means?

JTA: Look, I'm already not so comfortable in social situations that involve more than 5 people, and in general I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel at a wedding.

I looked around at the ceremony and saw some tears and many smiles. All I wanted to do was crack jokes during the vows. (Which I did.) It's not appropriate, but, to me, knowing my brother and my sister-in-law, the vows were generic and, well, silly. They made those sorts of vows to each other a year ago, are they more special -- or important -- because they said them in front of some guy and their families and friends? I don't think so. Other probably disagree with me, though.

At the reception, I saw my dad get red faced and teary while he talked to my brother, alone, off in a corner. I wondered if I was supposed to feel that bitter-sweet mix of emotions, too. I didn't, though, To me, they've been essentially married for a year, other than getting some really great gifts and wearing rings, what's changed?

JTI: Christ, you must suck at parties.

JTA: I do. I really do.

JTI: ...

JTA: Still, the wedding wasn't about me. It was about the couple and they seemed to have a good time, as did their parents and grandparents and friends and family.

JTI: Anything else interesting happen while you were up there?

JTA: My brother, sort of joking, asked me to move up there and become his partner in a coffee roasting company.

JTI: Really?

JTA: Yeah. He said that his boss is looking to sell and to get the equipment and the stock would probably be $60000 to $80000, plus we'd get the customer base that's already built up.

JTI: Did you consider it?

JTA: For about 30 seconds.

JTI: 30 seconds? Why so short?

JTA: Well, my immediate thought was could I earn a living wage, but with Oregon being so much more cheap than California, that'd be possible. Second thought was HOORAY! Third thought was what would we do? Fourth, brother would roast and talk to people and design labels and blends. Fifth, I'd end up doing a lot of the business stuff. And that's where the thoughts ended.

JTI: You don't think you'd be good at the business stuff?

JTA: I think I'd be fine. I've looked into starting small businesses as a lark, so I know some of the basics. (Even now I'm thinking about the things that I'd have to start doing to get going.) I know how to start creating an internet presence, which is needed. And I can handle any sort of math that'd be thrown at me.

JTI: So...?

JTA: I'm not passionate about coffee. I don't really like the stuff, and if you're going to run a business, it should be a business that involves something you like, right? How long would it take me to be miserable taking care of a thing, after having sunk $30000 to $40000 into it, that I don't even like? Not long at all.

JTI: Oh.

JTA: So, it was never brought up again.

JTI: Anything else?

JTA: I got the feeling that I was more disturbing to people than usual.

JTI: What do you mean?

JTA: I was uncomfortable a lot of the time and I glowered in a sullen/discontented manner. I was called on it a couple of times and my now-married brother felt the need, several times, to reiterate how happy he was that I made it to Oregon, earlier than originally planned, even.

Maybe I didn't disturb them so much as it was more noticed or they were more wanting to talk about it with me, or something. Not that I really let anyone actually talk to me about how I was feeling at any given moment.

JTI: On that note, how's the fluoxetine treatment going?

JTA: Um... well... I'm sort of not taking it anymore.

JTI: What!?

JTA: Yeah, I stopped taking it, with my doctor's knowledge, about three-and-a-half months ago.

JTI: Why?

JTA: Because it evened me out in a not-so-good way.

JTI: Please explain.

JTA: Okay, let's put our days on a scale of 1 to 10:

A 1 is a day where you feel so down that you don't want to get out of bed. You're so miserable that you're willing to wallow in your own piss and shit rather than roll out of bed and walk ten feet to the toilet. A day where the only thoughts in your head are horrible ones.

A 10 is a day where you feel like your in a never ending orgasm. You know you'll succeed at everything. Everything you do feels good and right and wonderful. It just all goes your way.

Got it?

JTI: Yeah.

JTA: Most people live somewhere in between those two extremes.

JTI: Right.

JTA: From the way it looks to me, and I may be wrong, the average person's life fluctuates between 4 and 8, occasionally dropping to a 3 and having a few times at a 9.

JTI: Okay.

JTA: On that scale, I figure that my life floats between 2 and 6. I can't even remember the last day that I'd give a 7 to and I think I spend most of my time below a 5.

JTI: And the meds?

JTA: They evened me out, like they're supposed to, but I was hovering between a 3 and a 4 with dips and spikes going, maybe, a point either way. Just this side of feeling like nothing is good. Sure I spent less time thinking horrible things, but suddenly there were never any good days. Not a single day when I felt a moment of happy. Just days I got through and that made me feel even worse.

JTI: And that's why you quit the pills?

JTA: Yeah.

JTI: Now you think you feel more of a range?

JTA: Yeah.

JTI: Do you still have "horrible" thoughts.

JTA: Everyday.

JTI: Ever afraid you'll act those thoughts out?

JTA: No.

JTI: Why?

JTA: I'm not ready to go into that here.

JTI: Okay... okay, then why didn't you get moved to a different medication? There are tons of different antidepressant medications out there, why not a different one?

JTA: I don't know.

JTI: Did you ask?

JTA: Of course I asked.

JTI: What happened?

JTA: The first time I asked my GP told me to talk to the psychiatrist I was seeing then. When I asked him about it he told me it was between me and my GP. When I asked her about it she weened me off the ones that I was taking.

JTI: And?

JTA: And I went back to feeling like I felt before the pills.

JTI: Did you tell her that?

JTA: Yeah, I e-mailed her asking about other medication and she asked me how I was feeling and I wrote that I felt about the same as before and she said great and told me to talk to the psychiatrist.

JTI: Did you?

JTA: I asked him about meds and he said it was up to my GP, again.

JTI: Then?

JTA: I quit.

JTI: Quit?

JTA: Quit trying. Being pushed around in circles while being confused and depressed and wholly uncomfortable is worse than just... being what I'm feeling.

They tell you that when you're depressed, you don't have to feel the way you feel because it's not normal, and I believe that's true, but when trying to feel better makes you feel worse... well, what the fuck, right?

JTI: *sigh* Sure. Anything else you'd like to say.

JTA: No.

JTI: Okay. Thanks.

JTA: Thank you.

As Described to Heels About 2 Hours Ago

Interview felt like it went well. There was much smiling and some laughing and I think (i.e. hope) that I asked some surprising questions and made some good observations. The woman who was asking some questions, along with the two guys, recognized me from a previous interview I had, maybe two of them. When she saw, and recognized, me sitting on a chair waiting she said she was surprised that I hadn't found a job out there, yet. Here's to hoping that this'll be the one.

Answers

JtI: How was the interview?

JtA: Awful.

JtI: Could you elaborate?

JtA: Yeah, I guess.

My interview was the last one of the day, at 3:20 PM. One of the people was coming down with a cold and the other two just looked plain tired. I spoke too quickly when I answered their questions and some times, while answering, I thought I was pretty much repeating things I'd said when I answered past questions, but teamwork is important when working with a group or people, dammit! And when it came time for me to ask them questions I just couldn't draw them out. They answered in clipped sentences and then sort of looked at me with their exhausted eyes, except for the one who was coughing, her eyes were all watery.

JtI: Did anything seem to go well?

JtA: I got there on time.

JtI: Okay, moving on. How was your visit with your grandpa?

JtA: Strange, hard, sad.

I got there after a fourish hour drive a little after 10 in the morning. He was awake and watching TV. I asked him how he was and he said tired and hungry, but okay. He wasn't in any pain, he said.

JtI: How is he?

JtA: He's scared.

I know he'd never admit it and he'd probably get really angry if he knew that I think he's scared, but he is.

Part of it is that at the time we didn't know what the hell caused the infections in his blood. There was simply no information, yet. The focus so far had been on getting him cleaned up, clear those buggers out of his system so they could move on to the next step. He's never liked a lack of information.

Another part is that he's afraid to die. He doesn't know what's coming next and that worries him. When he was young he was going to go to seminary and become a priest. I don't know what happened, but he didn't and eventually became a staunch atheist. A few years ago, he sort of backpedaled. He started watching that John Edward guy and found some comfort that maybe a part of him lived on, but that comfort also frustrated him some. He still didn't know what was going to come next. He still doesn't and no matter how often he tells people that he's okay dying, I don't think he is.

JtI: And at your visit?

JtA: He was hungry because he hadn't eaten since the day before. They wanted to do an MRI the day, but found some metal in him and put it off until they figured out whether or not it was safe to do it. He'd had an x-ray the afternoon before, but by the time I got there his doctor hadn't looked it over yet to make any decisions or get advice from the radiology department. The x-ray results were what everyone was waiting for.

He's really weak. He's not allowed to walk or get out of his bed by himself. I don't think he could even sit up if he wanted to.

After some very small talk, I've never been able to sustain real conversation with my grandpa while I was on my own, my aunt and grandma showed up.

JtI: How were they?

JtA: Okay. I mean they were functioning and didn't break down into uncontrollable crying, but how is someone supposed to act when every time something happens they are told to wait? There's nothing they could do.

My aunt was scared and angry and frustrated. She's one of those people who are always just a bit too uptight. She's always so worried about how everyone else is that she never really has a good time anywhere. When a disaster strikes she gets ever more uptight because unlike other situations there is nothing she can do about it. She can't make sure people's glasses are full; she can't pull out more chips or crackers; she can't put on music. All she can do is sit there and listen and wait and even when the waiting is done there's still nothing she can do because she isn't a nurse or an internal medical doctor or a specialist, she can only watch them go to work.

I could tell it drove her nuts, but she put on a hard face for my grandma. A couple of times, though, when she was talking to me, her voice got shaky and I thought she was going to cry. She didn't.

My grandma is just putting up a brave front. She loves my grandpa even though he can be quite a butt. This year, actually just before my visit, was their 67th (I think) wedding anniversary. That means something, right? She didn't like being in his room when anything even slightly medical was going on. A nurse came in to take his blood pressure and temperature and she was up and out of the room before the velcro was ripped.

She told me two things, in some private time, that really surprised me:
First, she said that she'd been to the hospital a lot recently and none of it was for her and she wondered why she kept coming.
Second, she said that she was afraid that she was just going to fall to pieces and not be able to be rebuilt. She's not like a jigsaw puzzle, she said.

JtI: And you?

JtA: Me?

I don't know. I don't like hospitals because I don't like being around people in pain or who are really sick. Other than that, I was okay.

I tried to make some jokes to lighten the mood. I listened to a lot of talk. I asked the doctor questions that I thought might be important. I put my arm on a shoulder when I thought it might do some good. I walked around with those who could.

I felt like I was there more for everyone else than I was there for me. I mean I went to mostly say good-bye in case he's coming to the end. That's what I wanted to do for me. The rest was trying to help the others through all the crap that's happening.

JtI: What's been found out since your visit?

JtA: He had an MRI the afternoon of my visit, but I was on my way to Cowtown by then since I had another two-and-a-half hour drive.

My grandma called the next day to let us know that they found the cause of the infections. He has an obstruction in his common bile duct. Yes, even without your gallbladder you can get a gallstone.

Today is the surgery, a laparoscopy. The hope is this'll stop the cause of the infections so he can finish off the antibiotics in two weeks and have a clean system. I haven't heard anything about it, yet. Maybe tonight or tomorrow.

JtI: Thanks.

JtA: 'Welcome.

Wednesdays

My grandpa was sent to the hospital last Wednesday. He couldn't move and there were other things that were wrong with him.

There was talk about his kidneys and liver.

He was getting better, though. When my parents visited him he was awake and alert and wanting to get home.

Today I read an e-mail from my mom that said he has sepsis, which is infection in the blood stream.

Most old folks don't recover from that unless it's caught early.

Apparently, he still feels okay.

I've taken the day off tomorrow to take the four hour drive down to his hospital and visit for a bit. After, I'm going to visit my grandma to visit with her, too.

My brother was invited to ride with me, but I haven't heard from him, yet. I hope he comes. I don't think he's visited with them for a couple of years.

It's not that I'm worried about him dying. Yeah, I'll miss him and so will my grandma and the rest of my family, but that's our problem. I'm more worried about him being in pain before he dies. I don't want him to hang on by his fingernails when it's okay for him to go.

I'd rather he gets better, though.

On Wednesday this week, I have an interview in Cowtown. It's the first one I've done in nine months. I'm nervous about it.

Vacation Days

I mailed off applications and other stuff to Cowtown three weeks, or so, ago. The deadline for filing an application for the two positions was two weeks ago. I'd really like to hear something back.

A huge part of me is afraid that I won't get interviews there because I also asked them if they could schedule my interviews for a Friday or a Monday morning because of the long drive I have to make to get there. I left out the other reasons, like enjoying having an excuse for a long weekend. Yeah, it makes me feel better when I take a day off from work because I have an interview, how about you? Can you just take any old day off without an excuse and feel okay about it?

Along those lines, I've been thinking a lot about setting up some sort of tour vacation. Sure, I can't afford it right now and probably not next year either, but if I stay on schedule I'll have my final student loan paid off at the end of 2009. 2010 I could go. Get some package and go to Salzburg and Munich and Bern, or a cruise from St. Petersburg to Moscow, or Rome and Florence and Venice, or go to Viet Nam or Thailand or Pakistan or Egypt or New Zealand. I don't know, yet. 2010 is a long way away. Hell, I don't even have a Passport; kind of need one of those if I ever want to get out of the country.

I guess the only, realistic, thing I have to worry about between now and then is how much this sort of thing will cost me in two years. What with gas prices going up and the value of the US dollar going down by a flight across an ocean may more than double. I bet my salary won't.

I could probably start more local. You know, like Alaska or New York or Hawaii. Probably be cheaper, too. Well, maybe not Alaska. Alaska would sort of have to be done on a cruise to be able to see a large amount of the immense state. And I'd rather not do the other two with a tour group, but also not by myself.

Well, two years is a long time. Who knows what'll happen between now and then?

Right?

My Interview, Questions by Johnny Logic

Ambitions
1. Whatever happened to your comic book collaboration with Michelle? Have you ever considered collaborating with Matt on a comic?

The comic collaboration was supposed to be with Michelle, Matt, and Mario. (I never realized that they're all "M" names until just now. Jeez.) The book was going to be about three interconnecting stories for at least six issues, two drawn by each artist and each artist's story focused on one character. My job was to plot each book with a page, or less, of text and then I'd work with the artist to do the dialogue when we got to that point. Two and a half years ago, Matt, Michelle, and I got together and hammered out the basic characters and the world they lived in. About two years ago Matt, Michelle, and I met and talked about the three artists' sketches of the characters and I'd written sort of detailed plots for the first three issues so they'd be able to work on a comic and when we met next, we could see what'd been done. About eighteen months ago we all met and only Michelle had actual pages penciled and had thumbnails plotting all the pages of her issue, Matt had some more sketches and a couple of thumbnails, and Mario had a few more sketches; at that time I gave them all my basic plots for the next three issues and some reference material for drawing. That Thanksgiving, Mario, Michelle, and I got together and talked about the business end and I learned that neither one of them had done anything extra. (Mario had just had his kid and Michelle figured she could slow down because the other two had done squat.) Since then, Matt has sort of quit; Mario occasionally calls or e-mails, but still hasn't worked on anything; and Michelle and I have sort of talked about just the two of us trying to do six issues for the character that was going to be her focus.

That's pretty much where we are. Michelle has some pages and thumbnails. I have print outs of all the sketches that had been e-mailed between us. I still have my notes and plots. And I don't think anything is going to be done.

Michelle's working of getting her architecture license, or something like that, so that's what she needs to focus on. Matt is being Matt and sometimes other things. And Mario's probably being a family man supporting his wife and son.

Me? I'd love to see this thing happen, but I can't draw a bean, so I can't do this on my own.

2. I know that you have written fan fiction—is there any chance of us seeing it? What was the plot?
Other than the fan fiction story based on Queenie's Punks stories, I haven't really written any fan fiction. I've read way more than I'd like to admit to. (And for the record, I prefer the hetero slash stuff, if the regular slash gets too into the squishy details, I just don't find myself reading it, I skim. Actually, I like the stuff that does the sort off "boots scene" love stuff better than any slash. I'm there to read a story about characters I like, if I want sex scene after sex scene there are other websites that have much better written jerk material.) If I ever said that I've written fan fiction, I was lying. I really haven't.

I wrote the beginnings of a Star Trek: Voyager spec script a long time ago. I think I got the teaser and the first act or two and then plotted the rest. I know it's posted here, but I don't want to look it up right now. That script I started writing to send to Paramount, but I didn't finish it and the show ended and then I never finished it, but often wished I had.

I also plotted script for how I would have started the sixth season of Gilmore Girls and wrote the teaser out and, I think, a few lines from the first act, but nothing more.

And that's all the fan fiction I've written. In a notebook there are some ideas for stories based on the Harry Potter stuff, but taking place in the USA wondering what sort of an impact Voldemort had across the Atlantic and how the wizards of the US are different from the British wizards. I have an idea that'd take place in the Marvel Universe about a young woman who doesn't want to register with the government and how she tries to hide herself. And then there are the obligatory Star Trek stories that rattle around in my brain.

Will you get to read any of them? I doubt it. Since they're not written and who knows if they ever actually will. If they are, though, they'll probably be posted as a Fiction Friday.

3. As an eighteen year old, what did you imagine yourself and your friends doing ten years from then? Does this question depress you as much as it does me?
When I was eighteen years old, I didn't imagine myself ten years down the line. I knew what I was going to school to learn, but I never pictured myself actually working. Even when I figured out that engineering wasn't the path for me, I still didn't really have a picture of myself in the future. Well, I sort of did: I was older, balder, and fatter, but nothing else. There were the occasional flashes of fame and fortune and hot, sweaty love, but I knew those were only dreams.

Friends, though, I thought I had some idea for a few of them. You, I was sure, would have your PhD and be teaching at a university slowly becoming cynical about the laziness and listlessness of your students and wishing that you could just focus on your research. Many, I thought would go on to much more creative endeavors than they did. One turned out exactly as I feared. And then there are those who I don't know how they turned out, but wish I did.

Sometimes it saddens me that my friends aren't necessarily as successful as I wish they were, but maybe they will be one day.

Entertainments
4. I love getting recommendations from you, so what are your top ten television series?
(First, thanks. I sometimes think that people ignore things I recommend until someone else says they're good or I physically force the DVDs or books on them. That tires me.)

This is an impossible question for me to answer, in the way it's stated.

I don't like doing top ten lists; that's so limiting and, I think, sort of demeaning to the people reading them, as if they can't figure out that if I list my favorite things they have to know which I like better than the other so they can find the BEST. It's especially hard when things may be similar in form, but so different in content. I don't think that's right.

Another reason is because me just rattling off my favorite shows will be full of many tried and true shows that nearly everyone likes. How many more lists do we need that have I Love Lucy and All in the Family on them? Sure, those shows are probably the two most brilliant and influential and funny sit-coms ever, but should I go on about them here? I don't know. Yeah, they're two of my favorite shows, but it seems like they'd end up on a lot of top ten lists. Or what about my love of Star Trek, even the crappy ones, or Buffy, or the new Battlestar Galactica, do I need to expound upon those? Or even the drastically under-watched Freaks and Geeks or Firefly or My So Called Life that everyone now seems to have watched? I don't think that would be worth anyone's time unless I go well into the details of why I like them.

So, what I'm going to do is list some shows from the more recent past that I can't get enough of and rank them in three categories: Shows That Weren't Watched, Shows That Didn't Find An Audience, and Shows that Made It.

Shows That Weren't Watched:
Popular.
It was, sort of, about two girls, one blonde cheerleader and the other brunette geek goddess, who were forced to live together. What it really was was a scathing satire of the teen dramas that were once all over TV. The first season, it started out seeming like a normal teen soap, but its satire quickly moved into the scripts building to the season finale that had all the finale clichés you've ever seen. It's still one of the funniest things I've ever seen on TV. The second season wasn't so good. It seems like the network decided it didn't was the comedy as much as the overwrought melodrama that's found in most teen soaps. Still, I like this show a lot and think more people would enjoy it, especially the first season, if they tried it out, too.

Grosse Pointe.
Like Popular, it's a satire of the teen drama genre, but it's a behind-the-scenes sit-com of a teen soap rather than pretending to be one. The premise basically is that the way things are among the cast and crew behind-the-scene is more like high school than the high school drama these people are working on. I also like seeing the difference between the characters on the show and the actors who are playing the character, which makes me want to know what the actors playing the actors are like in real life.

Wonderfalls.
I don't get what's wrong with the world that this show only aired four episodes. You bastards out there have to get with it. What's wrong with people?!... That's enough of that.

Shows That Didn't Find An Audience
Arrested Development.
I have to admit that for as much as I watch them and try, I don't understand people. People say they want something new and different, but when it comes, they don't go with it. Or maybe people were uncomfortable with the way that this show took the family sit-com type and decided to build it around a family of narcissists who were much more concerned with money than with each other, even though they kept on saying, "Family first." Me, I thought this show was brilliant. From the narrator to the odd bits of self awareness to the quirky characters to the running gags, there isn't an episode that doesn't make me laugh.

Everwood.
I don't think I've ever watched a show that had more heart than Everwood. Sure, some times it sank into the depths of angst, but most of the time it carefully balanced itself between the sweet and sour that shows can fall into. It was the story about a distant father moving his kids to a small town after their mother died. It was about a family trying to become a family. It was about the adults as much as it was about the kids. The producers actually came up with true reasons that brilliant kids wouldn't go to top schools. They weren't afraid to let the emotions be honest. And while I think that the series finale was too pat for such a rich and complex show, it was nice that they had the opportunity to end it rather than leave it hanging. The worst thing about this show is that only the first season's on DVD. When can I get the other three? Hell, if all of Roswell can be put out, this show deserves it. Oh, and even though it had four seasons I say it didn't find an audience because after it's second year, it was always on the bubble as to whether or not it would come back the next year because it's audience, although loyal, was on the smallish side, even for the WB.

Veronica Mars.
The first season was as close to perfect as I've ever seen. There is not a crappy episode in the bunch. The second season was less focused, but it had enough really good episodes to more than balance out the not so good ones. I still haven't seen the third season, but I'm sure it's good. I like me some spunky, modern Nancy Drew, which is who Veronica Mars was. And the supporting cast was so strong that I thought if they ever wanted to do an episode where Veronica was missing, they could have pulled it off. Not that I'd have wanted that to happen.

Shows That Made It
Gilmore Girls.
Fast paced, sharp dialogue was the reason I started watching this show. Well, the dialogue and Lauren Graham, who delivered so much of the dialogue. Back when the show started there were rumors that Aaron Sorkin was really the creator because the words popped like they did on The West Wing. He didn't, though, but it's a nice comparison for the show about a mother and daughter who were as much friends as they were anything else. All fans will agree that there were five excellent season of this show. Many will say that it went way off track during the sixth, I wouldn't, though. I saw that sixth as taking a deeper look at the relationship between mother and daughter and how similar they are. Most would say they lost their spunk. I'd say the spunk was always a cover and the other fans didn't pay attention to what the characters were really like. Most would tell me, politely, to fuck myself. I didn't see the seventh season, but I know how it started, and it didn't start happily. Still, the first six are some of the best hours TV has produced.

King of the Hill.
While The Simpsons and Family Guy started out at a slower pace, they quickly became more and more frantic until it got to the point that the beginning of the episodes didn't have anything to do with the end. King of the Hill has, to me, always seemed proud how it could take its time to tell a story. I like the pacing. I like the confused relationship that Hank and Bobby have. I like Dale's love for his son who isn't really his son. I like Bill's insecurity. I like Peggy's over confidence. It's one of the few cartoons out there that seems more character driven than plot driven because the characters are so well realized. All in a quiet town in Texas.

South Park.
Often crude, sometimes mean, but always funny. I don't really know what else to say about this show. I like it. The animation's pretty awful, but that's the point. The kids are sometimes way to smart to be kids, but I can get over that. It has scenes that are amazing, like Cartman riding an ostrich in the future surrounded by otters riding their own ostriches. It's willing to call bullshit on religion, the best example was when the boys started a church to save the souls of the kids and Cartman stared asking for money so he could get $10,000,000. Cartman is one of the most brilliant evil little bastards ever.

Farscape.
Some may have a problem with me labeling this show that it "made it," because it was cut off after a cliffhanger, but it had four seasons and a miniseries to tie everything up. Sure, the miniseries felt like it was 13 episodes worth of plot in four hours, but how's that any different than Serenity? Anyway, this is a show that I really like because of the insane science fiction, like the worms that brush your teeth, and it's willingness to make pop culture jokes. How often does the hero on a spaceship get to make a crack about Star Wars? Not often enough, in my opinion. Then there are the wonderful special effects, I'm still always impressed with the starburst effect, beautiful. Oh, and Muppets. There are Muppets. Sure, Rigel looks like a puppet, most of the time, but practical puppets are so much better for the actor to act with. The other major puppet star, Pilot, hardly looks like one; he's brilliant. And the alien make-up, by the Henson Company, is outstanding. Only Michael Westmore comes close to them, but he rarely has the mandate to use prosthetics with gears and motors.

5. What are your favorite nonfiction books?
Well, I don't really read nonfiction. Ever. I have some books on myths, but are those considered nonfiction? I don't think they are.

I've read some memoirs and biographies, but not many and I was rarely satisfied when I finished them. Do those count? If they do, then I'll choose Dancing Barefoot, by Wil Wheaton. It only has four stories and it only has a hundred and some odd pages, but I liked it a lot.

Nonfiction doesn't often tell stories. People may use them to make arguments, but no matter how good the writing is the books always seem to be broken into points. They read like: Here's what I think; Here are a bunch of chapters that support what I think and hopefully help you to think what I think; Here's why those things should have made you think the way I thought. I fought against that form of writing in college and I'm not a fan of reading it.

I bet, though, that if I picked up a book of essays that analyzed a TV show I liked, I could get into it. Like something about feminism and Buffy or the metaphysics of Star Trek. I'd rather buy a novel, though.

Beliefs
6. Are you an agnostic? If so, are you an agnostic about Zeus and the Easter bunny as well? Why, or why not?
I'd consider myself an agnostic, yes. No so much because I want to save my ass in the end, but because I'd really like to be able to believe that there was real magic in the universe. Sure, science does and shows some amazing things, but wouldn't it be nice to be able to think things into existence?

While I try not to limit my agnosticism to the Judeo-Christian-Muslim singular God, I am not an agnostic toward the Easter Bunny. If there are fuzzy creatures like the platypus and the echidna out there that can lay eggs, why not something that looks like a rabbit? Really, though, my agnosticism, toward beings, has to do with gods and such. Beings that are supposed to be omnipotent and omnipresent. Higher than us. And, in fact, looking at how messed up and chaotic our world can be, I think the idea of a pantheon of petty, asshole gods, like the Greek or Egyptian or Norse gods were, interfering with people makes more sense than one God doing it to us. I think I could only really believe in the one God theory if I took It as the clockwork type, who built the universe and let it go while It went off to do something else and occasionally comes back to see what's going on, but doesn't really care about it.

7. You have seemed pretty jaded this political cycle. Is there anything that would make you give a monkey's tit about it? What would your ideal presidential candidate look like?
I've been pretty jaded about the last several political cycles. I just don't have the idealism that I once had about our process. It really started at the 2000 election. It wasn't because Bush got the presidency because the Supreme Court decided to over rule Florida law and stop the recounts. No, my problem was how all sorts of people suddenly started to think they were politically aware.

I was in a basic writing class in college and we had to write an essay that explained something, anything. Over half the class wanted to write essays explaining how the Electoral College worked. Why did they want to use that as a topic? Because they were shocked that the President of the USA wasn't actually voted into office by the popular vote. These were students at a university, ranging from first to fourth year students, who had just learned about the Electoral College! The first time I remember hearing about the Electoral College was in fifth grade. I didn't understand how it worked until my civics class in eighth grade, but I definitely knew how the popular vote was turned into electoral votes which actually elected the president by the end of that school year. And it clicked, these people are the reason that morons and criminals get elected all the time and if most of the electorate is that dumb, how could I be surprised anymore?

The recall election here in California was the next thing that pushed me deeper into my pit of political cynicism. Recalls are to boot people who commit crimes out of office. It was not a crime to let failing business fail and die and therefore have less tax money. Yes, the deficit was large, but that's not a crime. I don't care who anyone voted for on that ballot to replace the governor, I care that more than 60% of the people voted to recall an elected official who just happened to be the man in charge during an economic slump. Even if there was a recall on the governator for the $15 billion dollar deficit, which I believe was the number that we had back then, the state's running now, I'd vote no, because he didn't commit any crime but being stupid, and that's not a good enough crime.

I guess the only way I'd really care is if I thought the average person voted based on more than sound bites, more than a smile, more than a slogan, and more than because the other choice is worse. I'd like to know that the average voter would read the slogan "Change We Can Believe In" and wonder how wanting to build more fences and increase patrols along the border is a change that we should believe in. I'd like to know that the average voter would ask if all the oil company contributions have something to do with why she's been such a staunch supporter of the war. I'd like the average voter to get "The Straight Talk Express" to actually talk straight and explain why a man who pushed for campaign finance reform no longer wants matching funds so his campaign doesn't have to deal with the restrictions he helped to create.

None of that's going to happen, is it?

As for my ideal presidential candidate... well, my candidate would have to be absolutely candid with the people. My candidate would be willing to admit that taxes are necessary to the nation we have. My candidate would forcefully speak out against the military spending. My candidate would be realistic about the bullshit war on terror and admit that there's no good way to deal with the shit this administration got us into. My candidate would say that the best way to stop illegal immigration is to help build up the economies of the Central and South American nations rather than keep then under the heel of the US. My candidate would admit that the only way to save Social Security is to make it so that all Social Security funds are only used for Social Security and not a place for the Representatives and Senators to dip into when ever they want to build bridges to nowhere. My candidate would want to rebuild the USA's reputation in the world and use that to bring about a more peaceful world. My ideal candidate would never be able to be a candidate. He or she probably wouldn't get enough money to even enter one primary.

My Interview, Questions by Heels

1) If you could be doing anything for a job right now, regardless of education or perceived skill, what would it be?
Right now, at this point in my life, I'd like to be a studio musician for my day job and in the evening I paint and draw what ever I want and occasionally sell something.

2) With your current education and skill-set, honestly- what do you WANT to do with yourself? Stop evading this question!
If I had the money, or knew a person with money who I completely trusted, and thought I could get good people to work for me, I'd like to open a genre book store. The novels would be science fiction and fantasy and horror, only. I'd sell comic books of all varieties, trying to sweep those novel readers into comics as well. And there'd probably be some Dungeons and Dragons and other D20 stuff there. No Magic or Pokémon or other CCGs in my store. I’d only sell things that involve some sort of storytelling.

Since I don’t have the money and I get scared just thinking about owning a store, it’s not going to happen soon, if at all.

Sometimes I still want to write for a living, but I don’t think I have some of the basic skills -- mainly structure stuff and a lack of discipline, resolve, self control (you pick the word) -- to pull it off even in a part time capacity.

So, given the education, skills, and money that I HAVE right now, I don’t know.

3) What is your absolute favorite comic strip and "graphic novel" ever? Why?
Favorite COMIC STRIP (Which I’m declaring as funnies that appear in the paper or most online comics.): Calvin and Hobbes. It’s just the best. It’s funny and at times poignant. It bounced from gag-a-day to storylines with an ease most creators are jealous of. It examined the imagination of kids better than nearly anything out there. It wasn’t afraid to show parents getting angry with their son and it wasn’t afraid to show how much they loved him. It dealt with the confusion of having a crush and the odd desire to be liked by everyone even though you’re most happy when you can just be yourself with honesty and humor.

Favorite "GRAPHIC NOVEL" (Which I’m declaring everything else comicy.): It’s so easy to give an answer that’s obvious, like Watchmen or Marvels or Bone or Fables or something like those, but, honestly, my favorite is The Tick; the first stuff done by Ben Edlund. It has nearly everything I like -- superheroes, science-fiction, ninjas, a spy, a samurai, aliens, a monolith, a chainsaw wielding madman, a man eating cow, good, evil -- and mocks it all! It’s pure fun. You’ve seen the cartoon, take that and make it a little more adult (Tick asks Arthur if he’s "funny" and when Arthur says "no" they go out and get some "manly" beers) and you have fun for nearly the whole family in some slick art. Plus, that’s basically me in the moth suit, so that makes me happy.

4) Do you want to get married and have kids someday?
Sometimes I do want to get married and have kids, yeah. Sometimes I ache I want those things so much. To find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with who is always willing to spend the rest of her life with me and then spawn kids who could grow up and live a bit through their discoveries often seems wonderful.

Other times kids seem like too much but wanting to be with someone who wants to be with me would be perfect.

Most of the time, I don’t. I don’t because that much trust and intimacy, from me and from someone toward me, scares me.

5) When you first went into college, it was for engineering. Do you ever wish you could go back and stay with that?
Once in a while I wish I had because I’d be making a lot more money, but those moments are very rare. I spoke with my professors and learned what the competition is like out there in the industry and I would have been miserable. I would have had to depend on other people to get their part done so I could complete my part and if they were late I’d be the one, or one of many, who’d have to eat the loss of time or force the next person to be running late. If I’d done that, I’d probably have gotten an ulcer before I turned 28.

6) Would you ever want to go back to school? What would you study?
No, I do not want to go back to school. I do not want to do the cramming and the paper writing. I do not want to put up with the other students and the teachers who are so wrapped up in their own projects that they don’t want to give you any time. I don’t want to do that.

Just because I don’t want to do it now, doesn’t mean that I won’t in the future.

If I did, I’d either start over, sort of, and study film and theater stuff or I’d get my Masters in literature or writing. The main problem is, what would I do with a Masters?

7) You asked it of me, so... What draws you to sci-fi, fantasy, and other fiction of the sort?
I like the imagination. I like how the stories can be allegories for events in our life. I like how the out of time settings can give the themes a new relationship to what’s happening now even if the story was written almost a century ago. I like the sense of hope so many of sci-fi and fantasy stories provide and I like the way that other sci-fi and fantasy stories are willing to let everything collapse into Hell, sometimes literally. In science fiction and fantasy there can be stories that are romping adventures through time and space or there can be stories that are quiet, in one place in one day when nothing but regular life happens.

I like the sense of wonder I get from these genres from the character who think of it as their normal day to day business.

8) Where did your comic strip go? Did I miss its retirement party?
It stopped being fun, so I stopped doing it.

Hell, I think that’s exactly what I wrote under the last one that I posted. If I didn’t, I should have because that’s what happened.

Most are still online. Check out this link they should be there. I did two years worth, I think, but some were removed because I used other people’s art a couple of times. Oops.

9) Do you really want to move back to Cowtown, or is it actually that you want to get away from where you are, regardless of the end location?
Okay, a big part of moving is to get away from here, yeah, but I like Cowtown. I like many of the people. I like how it’s not too far for a day trip to SF if I want to go to a show. I like that there are three theaters that do plays. Much of my family live there. I’m more comfortable with the small(er) town setting that I am in any sort of city. There’s real nature there. In the winter snow falls and skiing is really close, if you have the time and money. And most people there want to get on with their lives rather than try to impress other people with stuff (although the more city-folk who move there the less this is true).

I'm not a large or even medium-sized city person, so I'd like to move some where that the town or city's population is less than 20,000.

In some ways Cowtown bothers me, but for the most part, it's home.

10) What qualities attract you to a girl? (You don't have to answer this one if you're uncomfortable.)
One of the main things that attract me to girls/women, in a general way, is that I rarely feel a sense of competitiveness from them. With most guys they immediately want to set up a pecking order, of some sort, and using brain or brawn or whatever set about trying to prove that they are your better. With girls, probably because I’m not female myself, I don’t get that. I don’t like to be competitive, and that probably one of the reasons I’m usually more comfortable around them.

In a more romantic (for lack of a better word) way, I like women who can challenge me so that I want to learn and grow and stretch out into areas I hadn’t before. I like girls who are smart, funny, and honest and are (or at least act) comfortable with who they are and don’t change much when they’re alone, with me, or in a group of twenty. I like girls who smile easily and can laugh at their foibles as easily as they can laugh at mine. And confident women, I like confidence, too.

Also, there are the physical features. Shining eyes and a nice smile on a sweet face are good. I like a variety of body types because it’s not so much the shape of the woman (although that does come into account) as the way she carries herself that makes her attractive.

11) What are YOUR favorite cookies? Favorite food of any sort?
My first thought when it comes to favorite cookies are peanut butter cookies, but when I eat peanut butter cookies I’m always a little disappointed. They’re usually too dry and don’t taste enough like peanut butter, for me.

Ginger snaps and the minty chocolate one that the Girl Scouts sell run neck and neck in the favorite category. (And unlike some *cough* I don’t have to be the one that makes them.) They’re both so different and leave my mouth feeling fresh and I like the way they pop when my teeth go through the cookie.

As for other foods, I’m not that picky. I really like good Thai. The stuff that’s not greasy that’s spicy and a bit sweet. That’s always good.

But maybe fresh, warm sourdough even beats that. The smell, the texture, the crunch of the crust -- fresh sourdough is like a feast for all senses.

12) Wonder Woman vs. Big Barda- who wins?
In the comics universe there’d be a misunderstanding and they’d fight for a bit before they figure out that they were being manipulated by the villain and then they’d work together to crush a common enemy.

In a fight to the death, or unconsciousness, Big Barda’d win. Barda would win because Wonder Woman wouldn’t be willing to start out fighting her strongest, Barda would. Those early hits that Barda got in at the beginning wouldn’t seem to do anything at first, but they’d make Wonder Woman wear out just a little faster than Barda. Plus, Barda has a freakin’ Mega-rod. What can a lasso that forces people to tell the truth do against a freakin’ Mega-rod? Nothing, that’s what. In the end Barda would be bruised, bloodied, and broken, but she’d be the one standing.

13) What the hell should I do with the 10 grapefruits currently residing on my kitchen counter?
For me, there are only two things to be done with so many grapefruits:
1. Candy them.
2. Let them get nice and soft and then hurl them at the house of someone you don’t like.

14) How do you feel about your muzzer? Just kidding! Actually, IF you have kids someday, how many would you want to have (we'll just say that, for our purposes, your partner is cool with whatever)?
I like my muzzer. She’s weird and funny. And every now and then she still wonders how that guy makes doughnuts.

If I had kids, two seems like the best number. Life evens out with me and my wife and our kids. The kids would always have each other. They could be friends if everything goes well, and if it doesn’t at least they always have family if my wife and I die unexpectedly in a plane crash or something.

15) If you were given enough money to live comfortably for a year, but you had to write a book that would be published in that time, what kind of book would you write?
If I had the money and a comfortable place to live and the dedication to write a book, I’d write this book, although it feels more like it’d be novella length, that I’ve had buzzing around in my head for a many years now. (I actually mention it in a very early post on my blog.)

It’s fiction and it’s more bitter than sweet. The main characters are a high school student, his teacher, and his teacher’s wife. I’d use a devise at the beginning of each chapter that’d be what the wife says in her therapy sessions and spin that out into the action of the regular chapters, sort of.

I know the basic beginning of the book and I’m absolutely sure of the last word right now. The middle is very sketchy, though.

But if I had the means, that’s what I’d write.

16) Do you want to travel? Where? Why?
I want to travel everywhere. It’s a cliché, I know, but it’s also true.

First, I’d travel through Europe, though. It’s the place that’s full of the history of my history. It’s where my family came from and it, arguably, sprung the most influential cultures that our planet has ever seen. I’d have to go to England and Italy and Greece, but I also want to see and experience France and Germany and Russia and Turkey and Spain. There’s so much in Europe.

17) If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? (Name the movie!!)
"I'd have good strong roots in a town like Mt. Rose, a solid Christian trunk, and long, leafy branches to provide shade for handicapped kids on a hot summer day."
(I remembered the movie, but I had to look up the quote. Thanks IMDB!)

If you want a real answer, I’d be the kind that people leave alone. Probably something out in the middle of nowhere, like those oaks that live at really high altitudes. I wouldn’t want to live at long as those do, though.

18) Do you honestly like musicals? I mean, really? WHY?!
Yes, I honestly like musicals. Really. I do. If you want me to, I'll look through myPod and tell you how many musical soundtracks I own and how many I have to listen to because I "borrowed" the music from my dad.

Musicals are another form of fantasy. People don't (or rarely) break into song out on the street in real life, right? But in musicals, they do. Not only do people randomly (sort of) break out into song, but when others are around, they all know the words and they all agree on the music. And even when there are conflicting words and conflicting music, the two sounds meld together into something that sounds beautiful and is more powerful than the either tune was separately.

You've seen Amadeus, right? There's a scene in that where Mozart is explaining a part of his opera that starts as a solo and grows into a duet and grows and grows and even with more people singing, it's always music. That's something that I like, even though it doesn't happen in many American musicals. There's a song in Sondheim’s A Little Night Music where there are three people singing at the same time and one of my favorite things to do is try to focus on one voice at a time, to pick out that one character's words, then switch to another character and then the other and then let the three work together to create something else entirely.

Musicals create a sort of an ideal world, too. Characters who hate each other will sing at opposite ends of the stage, but they're using the same music and singing in harmony. Lovers are linked, not only through their desire for each other, but through the songs that they sing for one another.

Also, it's fun to sing along with the sound tracks. Unlike most albums out there, musical soundtracks have all these songs that, much of the time, tell a part of the story and even if they don't tell a narrative, listening them in order often do a good job of showing a character's emotional arc during the story. How often do you get that when you buy a regular album?

I must admit, though, I'm not so much into the dancing. Sometime it can be kind of fun -- the fighting in West Side Story, or the way Harold Hill uses it to seduce River City's people -- but most of the time it feels like filler to me, an excuse to pay a choreographer. I like the music and words a lot more. I'm sure there are people who are just the opposite

19) Buffy Summers- Hot or Not? How about Faith? Or are you more a Fred kind of guy?
Buffy and Faith are both hot, but I’m way more of a Fred kind of guy.

Buffy’s too afraid of not being liked. She’s too afraid of not getting attention when she’s part of a crowd. (Even when she was invisible, she called attention to herself.) Also, she seems comfortable around people, but she never seems to be comfortable with herself, she's always second guessing who she is and any time she comes back to Slayer, she curls up and tries to deny it.

Faith is scary, plain and simple. I’d always be afraid that I’d piss her off and she’d knock my head off.

Fred’s the type of girl who I’d want to be better for. I’d want to learn about what she knows so we could talk about it. ('Course, the Illiyra/Fred thing would bring me right back to the Faith answer.) Fred started out uncomfortable around people, that was after being stuck in a demon dimension for years where she was basically cattle, she got more comfortable around other, but she always seemed to be comfortable with and confident about herself. She also has one of the greatest smiles of all the women who appear in the Buffyverse, except for, maybe, Jasmine.

20) What thing that you have done in your life are you most proud of?
Nothing. I have done nothing that I am proud of, let alone most proud of. Also, I haven't done anything that I'm disappointed in, so that's okay.

21) Can I stop asking questions now, because thinking them up is hurting my brain! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STAAAHHHHHPP!!!!!!
Sure, you can stop, if you want to.

Heels

The questions have now been answered.

Read, please.

Okay...

So, I didn't care for the questions Heels was asked during her part of The Great Interview Experiment. She challenged me to ask her questions. (It's a little unfair since I've known her for a very, VERY long time. Still the woman who interviewed her should have read Heels's blog before asking questions to get to know her and her interests rather than sticking to general questions.)

I wrote her my questions. I await hers for me. We shall see.

Elsewhere

It's been six days since my interview. I keep hoping that I'll be hired this time. Not because I particularly want this job, but because I want to be elsewhere.

And that's all I have to say, today.

In Which I Had A Good Weekend

The interview seemed to go well, but we all need to remember that every interview I've gone to and thought went well (or great) I still didn't get hired.

The whole thing was very déjà vu-y. It was in a room I've been to before with two people who have interviewed me before, sitting in the same seats as before, who asked me the exact same questions in the same order as they did before for the same job I interviewed for before. My answers were different though, and they weren't wearing the same clothes as before.

The last question they asked was what teamwork means to me. I said, "It's like Mike Brady says, we're like sticks, together we can't be broken easily, but by ourselves, it's easy." Immediately, I wasn't sure whether it was smart to refer to The Brady Bunch at this interview, but it was too late to take it back. The woman sort of laughed and the guy smiled. Still...

After the interview I was off to my grandparents' house for a cousin's birthday. She turned 17. It was pretty nice. The food was good. Some of the conversations were interesting. I told my cousin, who was opening her gifts, that the way to get one gift out of the box was to lick it until it deteriorated. That earned me dirty looks from her and some of my grandma's friends, buy my grandpa had a huge grin on his face and my great uncle gave me a smile and a nod. Also went down the hill to an uncle's house and met the new kittens.

On the way back to my parents' house, I noticed a cat laying in the road and told my mom about it. As we passed, I noticed a long line of drool coming out from its mouth and knew that it wasn't warming itself on the asphalt. I stopped the car, backed it up, and parked in my uncle's driveway. We got out and saw that it was the daddy cat. My mom went to tell my uncle and I wrapped it in a sheet from the back of their car. It couldn't have been hit too long before because it was still really loose. My uncle, who had gotten some of his spine fused a week or so ago, really couldn't come out and deal with it, so we ended up taking it up to the grandparents' where my grandpa said he'd take care of it in the morning, which he did.

Saturday morning, my mom introduced me to a new form of entertainment for her and my dad. They have two humming bird feeders hanging outside of the dining room window, and they sit and watch the humming birds (here are some pictures, at times there are fifteen to twenty birds out there) and listening to Bach's Little Fugue in G minor (hear it performed on organ by Ian Tracey here) sung by The Swingle Singers, off the Thank You For Smoking soundtrack. It's really fun because the humming birds swoop in and out and dart around and it meshes very well. Mom and I think it would make a fun YouTube video. Too bad they can't record digital movies, yet.

After my mom left for her watercolor class, I headed over to the house of Heels and Johnny Logic. There I spent an hour, or so, rolling up a D&D character. Not only has Mr. Logic gone easy on the rolling since I last play, but I rolled some awesome numbers. I didn't even have to think about fudging. How often does a person get to place two 17s on their stat sheet? Not very. (When we played, that night, though, I didn't really play my stats, except for the intelligence, Raede is a wizard after all, so I'd be okay if his stats, other than intelligence (I earned that roll and that number! And I'd sort of like to keep the high charisma, too.), were bumped down a point or two to even him out some.) When I was finished, Johnny, Heels, their kid, Kamice, and Elex all headed off to a Mootown for some shopping and then a work related BBQ and baseball game.

While they were out, my mom and I saw The Simpsons Movie. I liked it a lot, but, then again, I like The Simpsons, a lot. The plot was wonderfully absurd, with touches of heart through out, just like the best episodes. The beginning makes fun of us for watching the movie, which was great. And we all get to see Bart's doodle. It was fun seeing it with my mom, who laughed nearly as much as I did.

Around nine, I got a call from Mr. Logic telling me that they were nearly back and I headed off for the Logic/Heels house once again, this time with Snapple, soda, and homemade caramel corn. I showed up around 9:30 and we played until a bit after 1:30. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. I got to be someone who's both annoying and useful to the party. We laughed. We argued. We fought barbarians. And I caused a moment that dropped DM Logic's jaw a little bit. (A huge guy, like seven feet tall, who carried a six foot sword covered in runes showed up in the camp and stared stomping toward the fighter-guy of the party. (I decided early on that my character was bad at remembering names, so I didn't think I'd have to.) Raede had been sleeping under a wagon and after the alarm was sounded he crawled out and forgot his weapons, but still had his (few) spells. After the big guy took a huge chunk out of the fighter guy, Raede cast the spell Open/Close on the big guy's hood and closed it. DM Logic looked surprised, a little angry, and surprised again before he said, "Okay, the hood is closed and the big guy is blinded." Best feeling a player can have.)

Sunday, I had to drive back, but "Wait, Wait... Don't Tell Me!" was on NPR and when that ended I plugged in myPod and sang along with The Producers, The Rocky Horror Show, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Wicked, and A Little Night Music.

Today, I'm back at work hoping that soon I'll be living in Cowtown so a game of D&D with really excellent people can become a (semi-)regular thing because I need more good weekends in my life.

Well

I'm in Cowtown today.

I have another interview later this afternoon.

I guess there's a little bit of hope in me, since I came to it.

Maybe I'm an emotional masochist.

Weekend, all.

Dry

So, uh, yeah. Tomorrow's Fiction Friday probably won't be up until I get into work tomorrow, hopefully. Maybe later in the day. Probably. I'll get it up tomorrow. That is to say (write?) Friday.

*sigh*

In other news, the one of the people I interviewed with on Tuesday called SHTK, one of the personal contacts I listed, to ask her about me. She was honest with them, which is for the best, I think, which is also to say that she said some really great things about me (apparently, I have a very dry wit.) This is the first time any of the people I interviewed with have called one of my personal contacts. (The look of shock on SHTK's face when she was asked for was pretty funny, but I quickly reminded her that way back in December or January she said she'd be one of my contacts.) I don't think The PJ has been called, though. Maybe they don't think they have to call The PJ though, since they did ask for a copy of my most recent evaluation.

I'm not going to get all excited about this, though. There's no reason to. I won't get excited until I get the phone call that tells me that I'm hired. Then, I'll think about doing cartwheels down the hall and dancing up and down the stairs. (I won't actually do any cartwheels or dance, but it's the thought that counts, right?) Until then, I'll just assume that I'm not hired and barely being considered because, honestly, I don't mind being an ass.

All Day Blog

We had rain this morning, as I walked to work, but no lightening, no thunder. The rain didn't pound down, either. It wasn't a real storm, but the drops were too big for a drizzle.

Now the clouds have broken up. The sky is clearing. Once they pass, they'll be all gone. The sky's not any more blue than it was yesterday, though. I guess there wasn't enough rain to scrub the sky.

I think I heard some of the first drops fall last night as I was finished reading The Westing Game again. It's been one of my favorite books for a long, long time. I think I've read it at least once a year since I was in the fifth grade. It seems like someone should make a really good movie out of it. Too bad they haven't, yet.

Once I finished The Westing Game I started reading Neil Stephenson's Zodiac. For those who haven't read it, it's the best summer movie you'll ever read. Heels loaned me her/Johnny Logic's copy during the summer that I lived in Cowcity. After I returned it to them, I went out and bought my own copy to read it again. Since then, I try and read it each summer. It's got everything a great popcorn flick should have. Scruffy hero? Check. Chases? Check. Satanists who use PCP? Check. Interesting and sort of creepy settings? Check. Girl who likes the hero but is also annoyed by the hero? Check. Nutty science? Check. Enough real/plausible science to make the nutty science believable and fun? Check. Lobster fishermen? Check. Retarded sidekick? Not so much, but there are plenty of little people could who fill that role.

Books this week are to be quick. One or two days worth of reading, at most. They are also to me entertaining, which is why I've read them before. This is all to lead up to the new Harry Potter book on Saturday. No, I will not be buying it at midnight, I have ordered it. And if it's not in front of my door by Saturday evening it's free. Most, if not all, of Sunday is for reading the new Potter. And then, I start the series from the beginning to get them all in one lump. It'll a fun week or two.

Most of that was written before lunch and it's now almost four.

Work has been worked upon. Files moved from the shelf to my desk to where they need to go. There are more at my desk, but I've found that keeping things stacked at my computer allows people to believe that I'm doing work, rather than not doing work.

The sky is now clear. The temperature has risen. And the humidity has dropped. How I miss the overcast morning. I like to watch the clouds rolling through the sky on their way East to the mountains. Sometimes, if I look carefully enough, I can see where it's raining by how some areas of the clouds smear.

Oh, I finally learned what Athena (often called Minerva, but the Romans were just hack when it came to their religion) is doing on the California state seal. I suppose the story makes sense, but I don't think the casual observer is going to know. Hell, I've been wondering about it since I started working for the State, and I've just found out. The worst thing about it is that it doesn't really connect in an obvious way. Athena is the goddess of wisdom and battle and weaving. She supports the cunning characters in the mythology, like Odysseus. She brought the olives to Athens. And even when she punishes a mortal, like Arachne, she lets the mortal live.

What does she have to do with California?

Nothing, that I can see, but she's there and the people in charge back in 1849 came up with a reason to put her there. Just not the right reasons. Honestly, Demeter or, maybe, Hephaestus would have made more sense. At least then, upon seeing them on the seal, I'd be able to think of a reason for either of them to be there.

Well, shit. I just found out that for each interview I have, I'm only allowed 4 hours of free time off. The other 4 hours are for me to make up. So, that's my trip there for free. FUCK! I don't think I'm going to take any interviews as far away as Cowtown, anymore. The one I have on the 24th will be the last. It's my 6th or 7th interview and if they don't want to hire me then they can go fuck their asses with a fat, spiny cactus.

Fuck this.

And fuck them.