Tuesday, June 04, 2013

"I don't care much..."

I think that one of the main reasons I'm so bipolar about my job is
that I can't find a reason to care. Even when I was miserable in past
jobs, and I was very miserable in past jobs, there was something that
made me want to keep going.

Usually it was because I liked several of the people and knew that if
I failed they would fail and I didn't want to be responsible for that.

Here, I just don't care for the people. Sure, I've only been here two
months, but I just don't care. The only thing I care about is that
certian people don't get overwhelmed just because it just doesn't
occur to others that those at a lower level are being piled upon. And
that makes me sad and angry, too.

Recenly in interviews when I've been asked about a weakness I've been
answering that I tend to gather work to me. I pick up bits of work
here and there when I'm not busy or when someone needs some help and
then I just keep it all the while still gathering more. And while I
haven't done so well at stopping this behavior I have gotten better
about talking about it with my supervisor and they help to spread the
work back out among staff.

Here, I keep gathering work so that other's don't get too overwhelmed
and becuase I was promoted, sort of, I will be giving a lot of this
work up. When I talk to my managers they seem to grasp my complaint
while we are talking, but it's gone from their mind once I'm out of
sight. And I'm starting to get to the point where I just don't care.
I'd rather keep a rat's ass, thank you very much.

Today, I was caught in the middle of a situation that I had no
information about, but I was doing my best to get things settled. At
one point I went to someone who was directly involved for an
explaination and I asked if she would come up front and explain if a
more thorough explaination was needed. She told me that I have been
promoted and I need to start settling these things on my own. I told
her that I wasn't involved in the original situation, but thrown into
a small part of it on Friday. She just gave a shut-the-fuck-up look. I
left because it wouldn't have done any good arguing.

I've only been here two months and I'm sick of the bullshit and I
really don't care if we fail. In fact, part of my might be a little
happy if we fail.

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