Monday, January 31, 2005

Janus is Leaving Again

So, I go to work yesterday morning and do what's expected of me. It's my job, right? When she gets there, Assistant Manager #1 came up to me, while I'm on my break, and said, "Where were you Friday." It wasn't a question, it was a demand.

"I wasn't scheduled," I said, not looking up from my book.

"But where were you?"

"Not at my apartment." I really didn't want to look up.

"Yeah, but why weren't you there?"

"At my apartment?" I looked up at her. "I had somewhere else to be."

"No, at the Christmas party."

"Christmas party? Didn't we do that in November at Round Table?"

"No. That was our Christmas meeting. Friday night was our Christmas party. We," she gestured around the back room as if all the other employees were behind her, backing her up on this, "decided that the party would be after Christmas so everyone," she pointed at me, "could be there," and jabbed her finger toward me on each of the last three words.

"Okay," I said. "It's too bad I wasn't told about this."

"Yes, you were."

"When, at the thing in Round Table?"


"I can barely remember last week, do you really expect me to remember two months ago?"

"Well, I wrote it up on the board Wednesday. Why didn't you read it?"

"Dunno, guess I just didn't look."

"You should have been there. It was a store thing. Everyone was there, except for you." She started pointing again. "It's embarrassing when someone is missing. I was embarrassed. You should have been there."

"But I wasn't." I stood up. "I didn't know about it." I put my bookmark in and closed the book. "I doubt I would have gone anyway." I folded up the chair I was sitting in and put it back. "I was visiting my brothers and some friends." I pushed my way past her, my break had ended. "You're the one who gave me two days in a row off. Do you really expect someone with two days off in a row to stick around?"

"You should have been there," she bellowed as I turned the corner to the front. "Everyone else was there! You should have known!"

Thursday, January 27, 2005


Well, I'm off to the store, then work, then The Bay. I'm so glad to be away from Cowcity for a couple of days. It's too bad I have to work at 6AM on Sunday. *sigh* I think I can handle it, though.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Travel Time

Plans for The Bay are comin' along nicely. I want to visit a museum or two and not understand most of the art. One brother is lending me a space to sleep on and a toilet to pee in. Other brother hasn't gotten back to me, but I'm sure a visit will be workable. One old friend has posted a comment and wants to get together. Another old friend has e-mailed me and it looks like lunch is in the works. Two days away from Cow City, thank goodness. Too bad I have to wait until Friday.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Feelin' Better?

I ordered some books that I don't need, but want, to make me feel better. Unfortunately, I have a week before they get here. *sigh* I want to go to The Bay next week, I have two days off. I want to stay at Purplehobbit's place because I've never been there. I should call him. I should call the other brother and Wingb too, see what they're doing. Huh.

Horrible Horror

I am a coward.

Anyone who knows me well should know that.

I rarely take risks.

I do my best not to stand out.

I fear confrontation.

I wrote that to help to explain the rest of this.

This evening/morning, I told my only teacher that I'm dropping one of his classes and had to see him look really disappointed. It was a look like he wasn't sure if he should feel like he was the failure or if I was. I had no idea how to answer that question, so I looked away.

I told him, quite honestly, that the reasons I had for leaving the class were the group I was placed in and my lack of knowledge.

I have had only one good experience working in a group in my whole life. Only one, out of more than I want to count. In every other group, I've had to do more than the fair share of the work. Maybe that's not true, but it sure felt like it. The group that I was put in was going to be one of these. They're going to be much concept, little production. They're aiming for perfect and don't want to hear that perfect can not be reached in nine weeks. One of the guys in the group think that because he's been working with the program the longest, he should be able to make all the decisions and really hates it when someone pokes holes in his ideas. (That was me, for those who need to know.)

And then there's the fact that I only know how to model objects and take pictures of still lifes. Supposedly, the class is designed to allow people who have no skill with the program, but I don't think it's practical. If I can't help with the animation of the character, objects, lights, and camera, I feel like I'm wasting my time. What's the point? What will I learn? The teacher suggested learning from osmosis, but not from the guy who wants to be in charge. He has no interest in teaching, only in doing. Too many times tonight I heard him mutter, "That's another thing that I'm gonna have to do." As if he has no choice in the matter. As if we don't want to learn. So, I don't think this class is the right environment for me to be in to learn anything.

So I told him this and he seemed disappointed. I assured him that I'm sticking with the character animation class. There's a lot for me to learn in there. Maybe, if I'm still in Cow City, I'll give this class a chance the next time it's offered.

He didn't seem any happier. He told me that I'm a creative guy and that I do really well with the modeling and that's always useful. He told me that I'd be welcome to come back if I wanted to in a week and he wouldn't hold it against me (which means he'd waive his absence policy for me and not lower my grade).

I said thanks, but I don't think that's going to happen and that I'd see him on Tuesday. Then I walked away.

What I didn't tell him was that when I registered for classes, I didn't think I should take this class. Not because of the late hour, but because I don't feel ready. If I can't pull my weight, what's the point of being there? Way back in November, I knew I shouldn't take it. I shouldn't have even signed up. And if I hadn't then I wouldn't be such a disappointment.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Who Knew?

I want to eat food from somewhere that isn't this apartment, but I don't want to go out.

I could get pizza delivered, but I don't want pizza. Usually, the whole of my being is willing to accept pizza into it's small sphere, not today though. Maybe it was the pasta I had out on Friday with some friends. It was just okay. The sauce was too sweet for me. I suppose I like my red sauce tasting more like tomato and less like candy.

I've been on auto-pilot for the last several weeks. The basic day has been: wake up, shower, go to work, come back, eat a bit, watch some tee-vee, read, and sleep. All the days blend into each other. I only remember a few specific days since school got out. It seems like four weeks were removed from my memory because they were so similar. Which, I suppose, is why I haven't written much about myself, or anything for that matter, in quite a while.

School starts Tuesday, for me and everyone else that has classes on Tuesdays. My work schedule gets a drastic shift this week as well. I made it so I can only work early on weekends. Most of me thinks this is a good thing because there are more good people who work in the evenings now than there were before December. The smidge of me that doesn't think it's a good idea is the part that will miss GIESW and FLIG. They're the best reason to work early.

There are only two shift supervisors now because ASGG has stepped down to being a normal, for him, barista. The two shifts left are only available to work evenings, one because she's a mother and the other because she's a student at Cow City State. So, for this month, at least, all the managers have been scheduled to work mornings and early afternoons and working evenings/nights, I can avoid the managers and my life at work will be better. Well, for two weeks, at least.

In February, a few things are happening. First, JFCG, the one who goes to university, is transferring to a store closer to her apartment and school. Second, the other shift supervisor, SFMR, is taking three and a half weeks to go to Europe to visit her husband's family. Supposedly, two people in the store, neither one me, are being promoted to supervisor, but, as usual with this store, there's a problem. One of the people, GGWB, is gone for two and a half weeks, which started this Thursday, because of some surgery. That means she won't be able to start training until the beginning of next month and, I think, it takes two weeks to finish everything. The other person, DFFB, has been dicked around with this promotion thing since before Christmas. He's been interviewed by the evil District Manager twice, both times DFFB was told that he was awful young to be a shift. DFFB told me that The Manager said that before he got promoted he has to train two people, which is a job shifts are supposed to do. DFFB told me that he didn't thing he was going to be a supervisor. DFFB told me that all the managers should go to hell. He is, however, still doing all he can to be promoted, even though his training hasn't started.

I looked up prices for plane tickets to Pittsburgh yesterday, or was it the day before, I can't remember. Round trip, on the three sites I saw, would be between $300 and $400, depending on where I left from. I want to go in June to visit Mr. Logic and Ms. Heels, not that I've actually communicated this with them, but I'd like to. If Heels isn't yet in the "family way," perhaps a trip to roller coasters could be arranged, I'd probably be willing to pay for gas and admission. Who knows what'll happen.

I'm getting to be very uncomfortable here. I live in a city and I'm not much for cities; they make me claustrophobic. I work at a place I hate, but can't seem to get hired elsewhere. Something has to change. Either a change of place, somewhere with less people, or a change of job. If there is no change, I'm afraid of what might happen.

Still haven't decided what I'm going to do about food. Maybe I'll just call a place and pick-up. Maybe I'll eat the ice cubes in the freezer. Maybe I'll just curl up in bed and sleep until I have to be at work in the morning and not eat until after work.

Who knows?

Friday, January 14, 2005

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Too Many Quizes!

You are 40% Aquarius

You Are a Retrospective Soul
The most misunderstood of all the soul signs.
Sometimes you even have difficulty seeing yourself as who you are.
You are intense and desire perfection in every facet of your life.
You're best described as extremely idealistic, hardworking, and a survivor.

Great moments of insight and sensitivity come to you easily.
But if you aren't careful, you'll ignore these moments and repeat past mistakes.
For you, it is difficult to seperate the past from the present.
You will suceed once you overcome the disappoinments in life.

Souls you are most compatible with: Traveler Soul and Prophet Soul

You are 60% Cancer

You Are Socks!
Cozy and warm... but easily lost.
You make a good puppet.

You are 27% Aries

Your Famous Blogger Twin is Wil Wheaton
You're a friendly, funny guy (or girl) next door
With more than a touch of geekiness

You are 47% Scorpio

I guess I was born too early, or too late, depending on how you want to look at it.

Something I'd love to say and mean, in real life:

"In spite of the fact somebody is up from the bottom, he can still be quite a heel."

Friday, January 07, 2005

A Story In As Many Parts As It Takes, Part IV

Ada's Dance
Last Time Before That Even Earlier

Derrick pulled Ada closer and moved them in a slow turn to the right. She took a deep breath through her nose, smelling the musk of his deodorant. The music was stupid, but she refused to be annoyed by it; all she wanted was the comfort she felt at that moment.

Derrick’s body warmed hers. A slight pressure on her back told her to move to the left or right and how fast to do it. She was dancing, really dancing. His feet helped hers to find the beat. The beat had found its way into her feet with a little help from her friend. She felt good. She felt right. If only . . .

“If only you were Chip,” she whispered into his chest.

“What?” he asked, leading her to the left.

She looked up at him. “I said you’re such a dick. How could you do that? How could you do that to me?”

“D-do what?”

“Quote Steve Martin at me and actually make it work. Make me dance. Look at me, I’m actually dancing.”

“You could always d-dance.”

“Not like this. Not with the music. I’ve never been able to do this. Ever.”

They swayed where they were on the floor, slowly turning. Ada darted her eyes to quickly to the left. She didn’t see Chip. She darted them to the right--no Chip. Eventually, she knew, they’d come around until she could find Chip again, but she wanted to see him now. Some pressure on his shoulder would get Derrick to turn faster, right? And it did work. Soon, she found Chip out of the corner of her eye. She let up the pressure on his shoulder and they’re turning slowed. Once again, she could see a Beethoven symphony made flesh. Her knees wobbled.

She had to get over to him. She had to move Derrick and herself over to Chip. Could she do it even though the guy is the one who’s supposed to do the leading during a dance? She’d led him to the dance and then actually into the dance, why shouldn’t she be the one leading the dance? She could lead herself right to Chip. She could make him desire her the way she desired him. He could take her in his arms and pull her close and--

“A-ada,” Derrick said, drawing her off in a new direction, “thank you.”

Her eyes snapped away from Chip, she lost her desire to lead, let herself be swept away by him. “For what?”

“F-for all of this. You know, for c-coming here with m-me.”

She didn’t know why, but him thanking her sent her stomach fluttering and the back of her throat tingling. “Y-your welcome,” she said. She felt like she was going to throw-up her dinner. Her stomach flopped and she took a deep breath. She was not going to be sick. Not here. Not now. Not on Derrick. Not where Chip could see her. She closed her eyes, took another deep breath, swallowed, and pulled herself closer to Derrick.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “Y-you’re kind of c-c-convulsing. You feel weird.”

Ada inhaled, deeply. “I’ll be fine,” she said. “Just a little gas,” she gave him a wry smile. “Hopefully they won’t smell like rotten meat and broccoli.”

Derrick smiled back, “G-good. I wouldn’t w-want you, you know, to be getting sick or s-something.”

“Why not? I thought you hated these things?”

“I do.”

“Then why are you glad that I’m not getting sick? You’d get to go home if I threw-up all over you.”

“Who w-wants to get b-barfed on?” His smile grew wider.

“No one, but that’s not the point. Why do you want to be here now? You wanted to leave when we walked through those doors over there. What changed?”

He leaned down and whispered, “I f-figured out why you want to b-be here.”

“What?” Ada said, her voice getting higher.

Derrick moved his mouth closer to her ear and whispered, “I figured it out.”

Ada pushed herself away from him. He didn’t know why she was there. He couldn’t know. He was just screwing with her. This was some sort of sick revenge for not going to get cheese cake and ice cream. He didn’t really want to be here with her. She looked up at him and in a voice sweeter than honey said, “I’m here because you asked me. What other reason could there be?”

“Oh,” he said, pulling her harder, “t-there’s another reason. A b-bigger reason.”

He started moving across the floor faster. They spun so quickly she started to get dizzy. She felt him moving his hand on her back up higher.

“A-are you ready?” he asked.

Before she could answer, he took his hand off her back and forced her into a spin. A spin she didn’t know how to control. She felt like she was flying across the floor. She crashed into someone, knocking this person, whoever it was, onto the floor and falling herself.

“Shit,” she said, trying to get up. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t my fault. I’m so sorry.” She looked over at the person she’d hit and saw the black spiky hair she usually saw only from a distance. She had knocked over Chip.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

A List

Taken from Slackbastard (on this day). Dunno where he got it.

I am not: quite what you think I am
I hurt: more than I want to
I love: less than I want to
I hate: as little as possible
I fear: everything
I hope: to no avail
I hear: voices with tales
I crave: choices
I regret: more than I probably should
I cry: when I'm kicked in the nuts
I care: but don't help
I always: swallow my screams
I long to: dance with the right person
I feel alone: in groups of people
I listen: but rarely acknowledge
I hide: in public
I drive: as little as possible
I sing: under my breath
I dance: when I'm safe
I write: less than I want to and rarely about the things I want to
I breathe: without trying
I play: with myself
I miss: the moments of comfort
I feel: with my fingers
I know: less than you think
I say: enough to convince people I'm something I'm not
I search: for answers
I learn: all I can
I succeed: rarely
I fail: because I don't try
I dream: all the time
I sleep: less than I'd like
I wonder: about the end
I want: but don't need
I worry: all the time
I have: more than I need, but less than I want
I give: little
I fight: myself
I wait: patiently
I need: very little
I am: confused
I think: too much
I can`t help the fact that: people want more, not better
I stay: because I'm afraid

Comic Strip

I'd like a shirt like this one.

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A Question

When a body is blown out into space, does it become freeze dried?