Sunday, October 29, 2017

Always Different

How much am I like everyone else?

I've been asking that questions since I was little. All I wanted to be for so many years was like everyone else because when you're like everyone else it's the only time you're accepted. I would have given away everything. Given up anything. But I was never enough like everyone else. Never could be. Never would be.

I've said it elsewhere in this blog, but I've always been fat. That right there separates me from the majority.

Can't be like everyone else if you're not like everyone else, no matter how you wish or try.

My mother once got angry at me for repeating that I've always been fat. She insisted that I wasn't. That I'm not remembering correctly. But I remember... in the "husky" section for pants. I learned to hate the word "husky." A special word separates like numbers and adjectives never can because numbers and adjectives never have their own section. At the worst they have their own hanger.

...having my blood drawn when I was seven to check my thyroid. I wasn't sick. Not even the flu. But there I was, sitting in a hospital hallway, my little hand in my Dad's, waiting to have a needle suck some blood from me. When the results came back, nothing was wrong with me, according to the tests, but not according to my parents' faces.

...the nurse at my doctor's office taking me aside and reassuring me with a chart, that although I was, she paused before saying, heavier than others my age, it was following my growth chart perfect. I was consistently fat. I think I was eight and my tonsils came out a few months later.

...sitting in a nutritionists office hours away from home. The whole family had to come on this stupid trip on a Saturday so that the nutritionist could give me lists of food that it was okay for me to eat. I was handed lots of piece of paper filled with never and sometimes and anytime food. Pickles and unflavored rice cakes were anytime foods. I'm glad I liked pickles, even though I didn't like them THAT much. I don't remember this list being shown to my brothers. I don't remember the basic meals we ate as a family changing. I guess it was supposed to be up to me to follow the new rules on my own. I had just turned nine a couple weeks earlier.

...filling out a chart in a book listing the calories of all the food I'd eaten and the calories I'd burned and my weight each morning. I was ten and it was summer. In the back of the book my mom had stapled some graph paper so that I could graph the ups and downs and the sames of my weight. So I could SEE the change. My mother had a book and so did my grandmother. My brothers and father did not.

(The numbers set off other problems I have that I hid. Numbers and tracking and more tracking and numbers and running numbers to see how they could be combine. These are notes and such that I hid from my family, that I'd stuff under my bed, that I'd burn in the fireplace if I woke up early enough to make sure no one would find them.)

The weight thing was always there even after that, but I don't remember any really direct efforts from anyone to change it because NOTHING changes. I went through a growth spurt, but I stayed fat. Friends and enemies in school hit their growth spurts and they had at least a year or two before they got fat again. I just never wasn't fat.

Which is why I knew I would never be normal. No matter what, I would always be different. Always be noticed for being different. Unable to blend, properly, into a crowd. Maybe not standing out, but never being like the crowd enough to just be part of the crowd.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Stronger Than You?

So, I'm sitting here listening to Steven Universe songs because, for a while now, they're the only things that really make me feel. And I mean FEEL... something... anything. Mostly lost because it's so hard to feel. I don't know how much of it is the depression or the medication or what we're taught to just be from a young age. So I sit and I listen and I start to feel a lump in my throat and then my eyes swell up with water. And I wait. I wait for the water to leak. For that physical expression of feeling. It doesn't come. It never comes. It just sits there until the tears dry in my eye and there's only something little to wipe out of the corners.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

On How to Help?

Dear S--,

I've been trying to write this for about a month, now.

I ran into your Grandpa at the grocery store and although it had been five months since you killed yourself, he looked shaken up. I suppose that the nice thing to do would have been to offer him some sort comfort? I should have acknowledged what happened and then told him how sorry I was about it, I suppose.

I couldn't though. Don't think I ever can.

So I asked him how his foundation work is going and we chatted a bit about my shitty job. I mentioned that I had recently visited family up your way and he said he was heading up in a week or so to see your family and your Aunt's family. His family. I still didn't have anything to say to him. And we left it at that.

It's not like I had nothing to say, but what I had to say wouldn't have been a comfort to him because knowing what you did... I can't say that you were wrong.

The last time I saw you was almost exactly four years ago. I was at your Aunt's house visiting briefly before I headed down to my family. It was your cousin's birthday party. You were the oldest one there, by several years, which isn't easy, but you were trying. Trying to be included. Trying to one of them. Trying to keep it up.

I've known you for a long time. Not quite since the day you were born, but pretty close. I remember meeting your father, back when your mother and him were lying to themselves about themselves. They were idiots. Then he was gone and you were with your mom and the stream of guys she kept promising you she'd marry until she didn't. How many time was it? Five? Six? Seven? No matter the exact number, it was too many.

And so I watched you. I wasn't really friends with your mom, but with your aunt and her husband. They were my friends. But your aunt was very careful to be around you as much as possible. I don't think she trusted your mom. So, when I visited we ended up at a lot of places your mom wanted to be with her friends to keep an eye on you, I think.

I think that because I can remember several occasions when I was the one watching you. You would walk off looking for rocks, you really loved rocks for a while there, and I'd see you go and your aunt would see you go (and your uncle may have seen you go, but before he had kids, I don't think he had ever thought about how easy it is to lose a kid). I'd look at your aunt and jerk my head in your direction. She'd give a weak smile or a stony look and nod. I'd get up and follow you. I'm sure she would have if I hadn't been there, but I was and since I wasn't really wanted anyway I wouldn't be noticed.

Mostly, I just followed you. You'd pick up rocks, look at them, compare them to each other, and put them in your pocket. When you found an acorn, you threw it as hard as you could and then look for another rock. Occasionally, you'd call me over and talk about your rocks. You'd talk like you were a scientist, even though you didn't have a clue what you were talking about. You sounded authoritative, though. I didn't say much. I just listened. I knew that you weren't listened too very much. Most of the time you were just talked at and told what to do. You needed to do some talking.

In time, your mom moved, with you, and I saw you less because, again, I wasn't really friends with her. I'd ask your aunt about you, though because I could see, even when you were little, that something was hurt and hurting. Something that wouldn't be easy to shake and I wanted you to be well.

I did see you on occasion, though. I'd visit your aunt on holidays and you'd be around, so I saw you get bigger. I saw that you always wore your hair long. Was that your idea? I think it was. The main reason I think so is because you always kept hair in front of your face. Trying to hide. Even when you laughed, it was from behind a curtain of hair.

At your cousin's birthday four years ago, your hair was the longest I'd ever seen it and it was always blocking your face. All day long. All day long.

I mentioned to your aunt that I though something was wrong. That you weren't happy. That it might have been deeper. She said she'd mention it to your mom. Your aunt was going through her own shit at that time as well as trying to raise her kids. I'm sure she mentioned it to your mother and was blown off.

Your mother always seemed to attribute your actions and attitude to something you were eating. The nitrates or nitrites or whatever else the liberal mommy blogs were saying at the time. Plus you probably weren't acting much different from usual. Was she dating at the time? I can't remember. It was only a year or so ago that she finally got married to one of the guys that she'd always say she married. Did you do things to try to drive these guys away, or did you want a dad?

Anyway, after you killed yourself, I didn't feel surprised. I felt more like it had been a long time coming. That's not fair and not nice, I know.

The problem is, though, that I've been near that point myself and ever since then I can't say the suicide is a bad decision. I can't. It doesn't feel like a bad decision in the moment, and it doesn't now, either. Even in these moments where I can hope for a future I can't say that suicide is not an option.

In the moments when I imagine talking to you before you kill yourself, I imagine telling you that it's an option. Not necessarily the best, but it's an option. I can't promise you that things would get better either. I could tell you that things change, though; that things would be different. I would tell you that people would miss you. Your aunt would. Your grandpa would... does.

Would any of that helped to stop you? I don't know. Would you have heard the honesty, though? I think so because at my lowest, even when I couldn't feel like anything but a burden on the world as a whole, I could recognize honesty.

Still thinking about this won't bring you back. It's unlikely that any of your family will know that I wrote this and I don't think it would bring them comfort. Probably just make them angry. And you'd still be gone.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Companionable Coworkers

I've spent way too much time in fast food places over the past week and I noticed something, something that I should have remembered.

Today, both of the places I went to were empty inside, except for me. Plenty of people in the drive-thru, though. And I could hear the teasing and mockery and genuine comradity (pardon the spelling). That sense of a team that functions well together and like working together.

I found myself missing that.

At my "grown-up" job, we may use teamwork, but we don't work as a team together. Everyone does their part and we hope all the parts fit together in the end.

Maybe that's why so many people there seem so desparet to connect to others.

Tuesday, September 05, 2017


I was reading an article about asexuality and I broke the number one rule of the internet. I read the comments.

Homosexual men and women are supposed to be forward thinking and accepting of people who are different, right? They're supposed to want to encourage the growth of diversity of human sexuality, right?

Too many of them are just as awful as every other troll on the internets who refuses to believe or understand something that they simply don't feel or haven't experienced themselves.

Thank you, internet, for constantly lowering my expectations.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

The Exorcist

I just finished re-watching The Exorcist TV series.

The show is so very good. The way the tension builds from the first episode to the twist in the sixth to the power of the finale.

My favorite thing has to be that Angela's choice to fight back didn't come when Father Tomas embraces his destiny, but when she heard her family reciting the Lord's Prayer. It was her family, not a priest or God that gave her the will to fight and live again.

I've never been a person of Faith or religion, but I am a person of family. Family's worth fighting for.

Wednesday, August 09, 2017

Last One... For a While

1. Any scars? One on the top of my head from getting wacked by an oar.
2. Self harmed? Nothing serious.
3. Crush? Orange soda. A favorite of the Waponis
4. Kissed anyone? Not for a long time.
5. Coke or Pepsi? Don't care. Cola is cola.
6. Someone you hate? I try not to hate people.
7. Best Friends? I need friends, first.
8. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs? Nope.
9. What’s your dream job? Eccentric billionaire.
10. Ever been in love? I don't think so.
11. Last time you cried? Many, many, many years ago.
12. Favorite color? Blue.
13. Height? About 173 cm.
14. Birthday? Every year. But it's my day and I don't often share.
15. Eye color? Green, but with some variation.
16. Hair color? Brown, unless the sun is right, then auburnish.
17. What do you love? Dunno.
18. Obsession? Don't really obsess.
19. If you had one wish, what would it be? To know what to wish for.
20. Do you love someone? I think I love my family, but that's more something I do rather than feel.
21. Kiss or hug? Neither.
22. Nicknames people call you? Only one set of aunt/uncle call me a nickname and I do not care for it. I let them do it because. I will not tell the world the nickname, though.
23. Favorite song? These constantly rotate through my head daily: "These Apples," Barenaked Ladies; "Maybe I Will," Julia Nunes; "Narrow Your Eyes," They Might Be Giants; and "Overkill," Colin Hay.
24. Favorite band? I flop between They Might Be Giants and Barenaked Ladies
25. Worst thing that has ever happened to you? Dunno. When a bad thing happens, I can always imagine how it could be worse.
26. Best thing that has ever happened to you? When I was eight and Santa Claus knew my name and my brothers' names, that was pretty damned amazing.
27. Something you would change about yourself? Everything. Most minutes, I'd rather not be me.
28. Ever dated someone? Not on a regular basis.
29. Worst mistake? I can always imagine how it could have been worse.
30. Watch the movie or read the book? You're going watch the movie because it's easier, but try to read the book if you like the movie or the movie challenged you. Odds are there's something more in the book for you to find. Except for Forest Gump; do not read that book.
31. Ever had a heartbreak? I've had heartache, but not break.
32. Favorite show? Right now I really like The Good Place and The Excorcist. Both are so good.
33. Best day of your life? Still waiting for that.
34. Any talents? Not that I know of.
35. Do you wish you could ever start over? Only if I didn't have to be me again.
36. Any bad habits? My, yes.
37. Ever had a near death experience? Not that I can remember.
38. Someone I can tell anything to? I see a therapist, but I don't even tell everything.
39. Ever lost a loved one? Grandparents.
40. Do you believe in love? I do, but I don't think it's in the way most do or would understand.
41. Someone you hate/Dislike? I don't like my boss's boss. She's an erratic micromanager, so you never know what's going to set her off.
42. Are you okay? I tell people I am okay.

Monday, August 07, 2017

These Lists Are So High School

if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? Read The Tick comics from the beginning through Sean Wang's The Tick and Arthur. Watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. Listen to the Beatles Revolver and Rubber Soul. I think those things can give a sense of who I am, but nothing would really provide understanding.
have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who? I don't know if I could stand a person who thinks exactly like me. I don't like me enough. A couple of writers who helped me to understand myself better are Douglas Coupland, Nick Hornsby, Ursula Le Guin, and Octavia Butler.
list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.
Star Trek - Neelix
The Tick - Arthur
Steven Universe - Lars and Sadie
Star vs the Forces of Evil - Yvgeny Bulgolyubov
Farscape - Rygel
Gravity Falls - Dipper
The Wheel of Time - Loial
DC Comics - Ted Kord, aka Blue Beetle
Marvel Comics - Cyclops, aka Scott Summers
Daria - Daria
Song of Ice and Fire - Samwell Tarly
Harry Potter - Luna Lovegood
Shannara - Walker Boh
StarGate - Eli Wallace
I'll stop before I just go too nuts on fandoms. Feel free to ask for more, though.
do you like your name? is there another name you think would fit you better? I like my name fine. Although sometimes I think about officially dropping the extra syllables that appear on my birth certificate.
do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? Ha ha. A human being. I'm not much for doing. Can I be a human thinking?
do you identify yourself by the things you do? No.
are you religious/spiritual? No.
do you care about your ethnicity? I don't care about my ethnicity, but I'm white and accept the privileges that some with it. If I were a different ethnicity, it might matter in ways I'd rather not imagine.
what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime? They Might Be Giants.
are you an artist? No, but I wish I were.
do you have a creed? I had to look up creed. I didn't know it had to do with religious beliefs. No, do not have a creed.
describe your ideal day. Walk along the beach, barefoot, in the morning. Watch people play fetch with their dogs. Simple lunch. Matinee of a musical. Nice dinner. Asleep by 10PM.
dog person or cat person? Cat person. I've always liked cats a lot, but I like other people's dogs just fine.
inside or outdoors? Inside person, but with the right space I think I'd be more of an outdoor person.
are you a musician? No. Again, I wish I were.
five most influential books over your lifetime. "Influential" is a stumbling block for me. I don't particularly care for Fitzgerald's and Hemingway's books, but their books are important because I find myself trying to emulate parts of their writing styles when I fiction. I read To Kill a Mockingbird every spring, but that's because it touches me differently each time I read it. Heinlan's Stranger in a Strange Land was very important to me when I was 18; it's not so important now. But are any of these books "influential"? I don't know. I've never read a book, or experience any kind of media, that changed my life or made me want to change my life. Is that what an influential book does?
if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same? There might be similarities, but I wouldn't be who I am.
would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”? It's the "real" me because I don't feel the need to lie and even share and erotica, which I had never done before my tumblr. It's not me because it's mostly about my fanfiction and other fan tendencies, which isn't all that I am.
what’s your patronus? I think Pottermore gave me a swan or goose or something, which (hyperbolically) sickens me. I'd rather it be a sea turtle, or elephant, or mocking bird, or firefly. Something that feels like me.
which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle? I'd probably be a muggle, but if I was lucky enough to be a witch, I'd choose Ravenclaw.
would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else? I'd rather be in Oz or Xanth. Those are the fictional fantasy worlds I long to live in.
do you love easily? I crush easily, but do not love easily.
list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order. How about I use some psychosis to work this out with math! 1. Sleep, 48-60 hours per week. 2. Work, 40 hours per week. 3. Unterburps related stuff, 20-30 hours per week. 4. TV, normaly during unterburps time. 5. Read, 10-15 hours a week.
how often would you want to see your family every year? I wish my immediately family -- parents, sibs, significant other's, nieces and nephews -- could have a family meal/day each month. Maybe if I had friends I'd think differently.
have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone? No.
could you live as a hermit? Yes. As long as I had stuff to read.
how would you describe your gender/sexuality? I think my gender is right for me, but shouldn't matter to anyone. My sexuality is asexual. I'm not sure if I'm aromantic or simply not looking/content.
do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”? No, but I think that if other are willing to go past that to find the "real" me then it doesn't matter.
on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin? Most of the time I'm hard to annoy. I'm not sure if that's a low number or a high number. so a level 2-3 or 8-9.
three songs that you connect with right now. "Stronger Than You" from Steven Universe always puts tears in my eyes. "Settle for Me" from My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, but you could probably choose any of Greg's songs and I'd connect with it. I haven't been listening to much music recently, so I'll stick with these two.
pick one of your favorite quotes. " I've done far worse than kill you. I've hurt you. And I wish to go on... hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me. As you left her. Marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet... buried alive... buried alive."

Friday, August 04, 2017

Just to Post

Post a picture of u? Nobody wants to see that.
Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? I don't date anyone. So, no.
Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? I've found it easier to be friends with girls, but I don't prefer one to the other. I prefer nerds and that requires no gender.
Would you ever smile at a stranger? I do it all the time.
Can you commit to one person? Probably. Right now that person is me.
How do you look right now? Through my eyes.
What exactly are you wearing right now? Polo shirt, black slacks, grey sneakers.
How often do you listen to music? At least 30 minutes a day, but it tends to repeat.
Do you wear jeans or sweats more? Sweats, I guess. I don't wear jeans. Cheap slacks are more comfortable.
Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2015? When was this written again? No for back then and no for 2018.
Are you a social or an antisocial person? Antisocial.
If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? It depends on how friendly we are. If we're not friendly then I don't say a thing. If we are casually friendly then I probably only say that it's nice when directly asked. If we're good friends I ask what they like about the other person. I wouldn't do or say anything to hurt this person's feelings. It's my fault for not moving.
Are you good at hiding your feelings? When I have feelings I think I'm good at hiding them.
Can you drive a stick shift? In the USA I can. I don't know how well I'd be able to do it in the UK or other drive on the left nations.
Do you care if people talk badly about you? Not really, but I do get bothered if I think about people talking about me. It doesn't matter what they're actually saying.
Are you going out of town soon? I hope to see a play soon.
When was the last time you cried? Long, long ago. Why is this question so important to these types of questionnaires?
Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Is this like a suddenly you're crushing on your friend that you've known since kindergarten thing? Or more you're crushing on the evil super trash who hates everyone -- you can tell by the racial and sexual slurs used -- thing? Every time I've like-liked someone it was a surprise because I don't expect it.
If you could change your eye color, would you? Probably not. Unless I could do like bee stripes concentric circles or something.
Name something you have to do tomorrow? Grocery shopping.
Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. Work.
Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? I've always like my friends of the opposite sex. I'm not friends with people I don't like. Have I like-liked any of them? Yes.
Are you nice to everyone? I try not to be rude to everyone, but I'm not neccessarily nice.
What are you sitting on right now? My ass. A rolling chair.
Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Yes. Absolutely. But I don't relationship, so I'll never test this out.
Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? I've never tried, so how could I know I couldn't have had that someone. Pining from the distance assuming that person would never romantically is not knowing. The only way to know is to ask. I don't ask.
Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? The last person I would have talked to is a coworker before we locked up for the night. After that, I only talked to myself. Oh, and some cats.
Do you get a lot of colds? Usually only one bad one each year.
Have your pants ever fallen down in public? No. When your a fatty, you worry more about splitting your pants in public.
Does anyone hate you? I don't think so, but I spend as little time with people as possible and would do my best not to spend time with someone I knew hated me. Unless I was getting paid, that is.
Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? My therapist is the opposite sex of me, but I would never tell anyone everything.
Do you like watching scary movies? Yes, but I didn't start enjoying scary movies until I was in high school.
Are you a jealous person? Rarely.
If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? Sixth grade. Let's erase from August 1 before school started through the next July 31. Good fucking riddance!
Did you have a dream last night? Yes. I seem to dream every night with this current antidepressant. Sometimes they are crazy vivid.
Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? In theory I COULD tell everyone everything. In practice, no way.
Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? No.
Do you think someone has feelings for you? I assume my family and coworkers have some feelings for me, but I also assume that no one has romantic feelings for me.
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? God, I hope not. I get twitchy when I think someone is thinking about me.
Did you have a good day yesterday? It was average. I don't like my job, but I also don't hate it. So...
Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? Romantic relationship? No. Never have been, probably never will be.
Is your life anything like it was two years ago? Eerily similar.
If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? Waiting in line for a roller coaster arguing which was better/more important, Wonder Woman or Captain America: First Avenger?
What’s the best part about school? Those times when a teacher takes your thoughts seriously and you're not treated like an average asshole.
Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Yes, but I don't post pictures of me.
Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? I was lucky enough to rarely have friends in the same class as me
Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Yes. Mostly when I'm trying to plan for the future or figure out if a memory is real or from a TV show I watched as a kid.
Were you single over the last summer? Over every summer.
What are you supposed to be doing right now? Reviewing applications.
Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? My mother is adorable.

Friday, July 28, 2017


I read a fic this evening and it had this written in it:”’her tone turned pitiful, ‘or maybe you just don’t feel the same way about me as I do about you!’”

Emphasis is mine.

I’ve had this said to me so many times and it was never true. I HATE it when people assume that because you don’t act out you feel differently, or, worse, feel less.

So angry even thinking about those stupid words.

People can fucking suck.

Sunday, July 23, 2017


Found these 100 on a tumblr. Thought, what the hell.

The meaning behind my url: Created in the days of only 8-character names. Combines one of my favorite superheros with his big blue buddy.
A picture of me: Here.
How many tattoos i have and what they are: None.
Last time i cried and why: 1997, I realized that I am an afterthought.
Piercings i have: None.
Favorite band: Fluctuates between They Might Be Giants and Barenaked Ladies.
Biggest turn offs: Close talking? I don't deal with peoples socially, so it doesn't come up much.
Top 5 (insert subject): I guess someone would actually have to ask me this one.
Tattoos i want: 阴茎 on the left forearm and 阴道 on the right.
Biggest turn ons: See two questions above.
Age: I’m the sum of the first six primes minus the second prime years old, until my next birthday.
Ideas of a perfect date: November 2nd?
Life goal: To have a life goal.
Piercings i want: None.
Relationship status: I think I understand about them.
Favorite movie: Fantasia.
A fact about my life: I don't think I have one.
Phobia: So far, none that I can't work though.
Middle name: Dannon
Height: 173 cm
Are you a virgin? Yes.
What’s your shoe size? 8.5-10 depending on the width.
What’s your sexual orientation? Asexual.
Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs? Only meats and cheeses, tea and water mostly, to keep me from hurting myself.
Someone you miss: Old friends, long gone.
What’s one thing you regret? The past.
First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive: Anne Hathaway
Favorite ice cream? Mint Chip. Unless I'm making it, then I have a tough decision because possibilities are endless.
One insecurity: All of them. Everything.
What my last text message says: "K"
Have you ever taken a picture naked? I've taken very few clothed. No.
Have you ever painted your room? Yes.
Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex? No.
Have you ever slept naked? Yes.
Have you ever danced in front of your mirror? No.
Have you ever had a crush? Yes.
Have you ever been dumped? No.
Have you ever stole money from a friend? No. Christ no!
Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met? Yes.
Have you ever been in a fist fight? No.
Have you ever snuck out of your house? Sneaked. And no. Never had a reason to.
Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? Probably, but I didn't ask.
Have you ever been arrested? Nope.
Have you ever made out with a stranger? No.
Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? For sex? No. For a movie or drink? Yes.
Have you ever left your house without telling your parents? Yes.
Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor? Never had much of a neighborhood living in the hills.
Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun? Yes, but I got my parents' permission, first.
Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes.
Have you ever seen someone die? I have not watched someone die. I've seen the dead.
Have you ever been on a plane? A few different kinds.
Have you ever kissed a picture? No. Do people really do this?
Have you ever slept in until 3? The latest I've ever slept is 10AM and than includes the night I stayed up until 8AM.
Have you ever love someone or miss someone right now? Awkward phrasing, but no to both parts.
Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes.
Have you ever made a snow angel? Whenever possible.
Have you ever played dress up? Not for a very long time.
Have you ever cheated while playing a game? Only when I play by myself.
Have you ever been lonely? Yes. I'm pretty sure everyone gets lonely sometimes.
Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school? I don't think so.
Have you ever been to a club? Yes, but not exactly the thump-thump kind a dance club thing.
Have you ever felt an earthquake? Yes.
Have you ever touched a snake? Wrapped around my arms and neck.
Have you ever ran a red light? Yes. And I was happy to learn that there wasn't one of those ticket cameras.
Have you ever been suspended from school? Nope. Goody-goody here.
Have you ever had detention? Yes. I was reading a newspaper in class rather than pretending to work on the work I'd finished.
Have you ever been in a car accident? Not that I can remember. Looking forward to being in a car on purpose someday.
Have you ever hated the way you look? Oh my, yes.
Have you ever witnessed a crime? I'm pretty sure I watched a drug drop in near a Catholic church.
Have you ever pole danced? Nope.
Have you ever been lost? Not so lost that I couldn't find my way. Except for that one time that the map was sucked out the window. I couldn't get where I was going, but had no problem getting home.
Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country? If I live in Kansas, what the hell would the opposite side of the country be? I've been to San Francisco and New York, so I've been to both coasts of the USA and touched the both big brineys.
Have you ever felt like dying? All the time.
Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? Not that I can remember.
Have you ever sang karaoke? Alone.
Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Not that I can remember, but probably.
Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes, and it stings.
Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger? When I used to babysit my cousins overnight they'd crawl under my covers. But I don't think that's what this question really wants to ask.
Have you ever kissed in the rain? No and I'd rather live out this song. It's more my style.
Have you ever sang in the shower? Almost every day.
Have you ever made out in a park? No.
Have you ever dream that you married someone? Long ago.
Have you ever glued your hand to something? To the other hand, to paper, to a table, to the wall.
Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? No. It doesn't get that cold here. No hard frosts.
Have you ever ever gone to school partially naked? Only in my dreams.
Have you ever been a cheerleader? Never. I have no spirit.
Have you ever sat on a roof top? Yes. It gets very hot up there in the summer.
Have you ever brush your teeth? Brushed. And Yes.
Have you ever ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? Do you mean "been too scared"? I've watched most scary movies alone. The others were mostly in the theater.
Have you ever played chicken? Nope.
Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Nope.
Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger? HAHAA! Nope.
Have you ever broken a bone? Not one of my own, nor a human beings, nor a living animal's, but lots of chicken and turkey bones have been broken because of me.
Have you ever been easily amused? Often.
Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? Once. Not only did I cry, I couldn't breathe.
Have you ever mooned/flashed someone? Nope.
Have you ever cheated on a test? Never needed to.
Have you ever forgotten someone’s name? Almost every day of my life.
Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real? I've met some unreal people, but they all seemed real to me.
Give us one thing about you that no one knows. I don't like being touched. Hugs, handshakes, friendly pats on the shoulder, jostling on the bus, I hate them all. After the touch, my skin feels tingly and I try to rub it away. So, horribly uncomfortable.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Posted to my Fanfic Blog

Preemptive Apology

As stated by the title, this is a preemptive apology to fans and fandoms and those who may find their way here. This promises to be rambling and possibly pointless. I expect some personal things will be tossed out there that may make some uncomfortable, but nothing personal that makes me uncomfortable will be posted, maybe just written and erased.

Maybe this whole preemptive apology thing, too.

I apologize for disappointing the expectations of those who decided to follow me. My self-esteem is low enough to wonder why you would do follow, but I appreciate the follow. I've always wanted to tell stories for a living. This is the closest that I've come. Probably the closest that I'll ever come. I don't know what kind a storyteller I am. I have some idea about what kind I'd like to be, but I'm unclear on the future. I can't know what you expect except for maybe more of what I've already written and I hope I won't be, though. So, I'm sorry about not meeting any expectations that may be out there.

I apologize for all the time between one story and the next, whether they are or are not related stories. In no way am I a perfectionist, just see the errors that riddle this and anything else I've written and been willing to post. Some people can write a few hours every day and be happy tossing it out for our reading pleasure right away. I am not one of these people. I don't write stories every day. If I'm lucky I'll do something every week. And when I do write, it's in hard to stop chunks of time. My fingers pound across the keyboard trying to finish, like they're afraid that I'll forget or lose my ability or something, which I have done before. Also, I'm unable to serialize. I don't like posting something that's unfinished. Serialize is a promise to finish. A promise not always met. A promise I'm afraid to make. I don't need to live with that guilt. So, I'm sorry for waiting instead of starting and stopping and starting and stopping again.

I apologize for shipping your ship and then turning around and shipping your ship characters with others. I've never had a "one true pair" as a fan. I don't really understand the OTP mentality. Part of the reason why is because I like to write post-canon stories and I don't believe that the pairings of youth carry through as time goes on. Yes, two of the best people I've ever know began dating in high school, married in college, and now have two school age children. I know it happens, but it's the exception, not the rule. I believe that it's much easier for friendship and feelings to span childhood to senility than it is for romance. Besides, in the end the best romances become the best friendships. So, I'm sorry for not backing your ship, or any ship, 100% of the time.

I apologize for rarely creating for things that are currently being produced. I prefer not to contradict canon. I like to answer a question not answered or imagine a future that can't be undone with a single word or come up with something outlandish that doesn't interfere with what happened. Yes, ripple (or butterfly, if that's your thing) effects are cool and fun and can alter favorite stories in interesting ways, but that's not my thing. (At least for right now.) Things in production change so quickly and in such unexpected ways and I like for the stuff I make to "count," even though it doesn't "count." So, I'm sorry for often waiting for the end to begin.

I apologize for not sticking to one fandom. I did that for years in the beginning and I'm slowly re-posting the stories I wrote back then that I still like. Anyway, I'm not feeling that way anymore. It was finding this other fandom, and one drawing in particular, that gave me the bump I needed, the bump meds couldn't supply, to start writing again. Suddenly there was an itch again that wouldn't go away by ignoring it. When that itch was satisfied, another came along. And now I'm itchy to convert notes I've carried around for a while into the stories they were meant to be. These are shows that I enjoy and, ultimately, I write for two reasons: 1. practice, and 2. because I'd like these characters to be remembered. So, I'm sorry for not always writing for the fandom that encouraged you to visit but hopefully, other stories will keep you coming back.

I apologize for being a terrible part of fandom. I'm not great at cuddling and sharing and communicating. Years ago, when I first ventured from a passive member to an active member of fandom I did join in. I found a message board that was mostly devoted to my show of choice. I worked up the courage to share my thoughts along with my stories. I'd post a thought and a thread would die. No answer to my question. No acknowledgement of the joke. It simply died. I don't know if my perception was objectively right, but I got tired feeling like a conversation killer and I hardly ever commented anymore until the point I stopped commenting until the point where I stopped posting. Reason why, see the self-esteem issue mentioned at the top of this ramble, also the darkness became overwhelming. So, I'm sorry for not jumping in with gusto; I've not had good experiences trying.

I apologize for writing too much or not enough "not safe for work" content. I've marked this tumblr as adult content because occasionally I expect to write about naked bodies pressing against one another. However, I try hard not to keep my work from being smut, even though I quite enjoy smut. It's a fine line that I've just started trying to walk in my writing. Originally, this tumblr wasn't marked adult content because I think stories that include naked bodies pressing against each other are fine for teens, the fappable and non-fappable stories. Then I wrote about how panels are used in a comic and got called a lot of terrible things. It wasn't for my content, but I'd rather not deal with those people. So, I'm sorry for trying to write some NSFW stuff without making it too explicit.

I apologize for the times I'm not sensitive enough and the times I'm too sensitive. See: self-esteem issues. There's this one word that I've thrown around about myself usually after the modifier "socially" or "emotionally." Under its original meaning the word is fine, but the (recent) historical use makes that call much harder and I shy away from using it in conversation and writing to keep from alienating people over a word. Too sensitive, right? However, if I were to write a certain kind of character, say a scientist with a hard on for Szechuan sauce, then using the word could be very appropriate because the character has said the word before and there are plenty of character situations where I would write him saying it again. Not sensitive enough, right? This is one of the few places where I can't see a line to walk. You step on one side or the other, upsetting one side or the other. Where's the middle ground? Thank goodness I don't write Huck Finn fanfic because to be historically (and canonically) accurate would upset lots of people, but so would disregarding an important aspect of one of the themes that really can't be explored without. So, I'm sorry for over-thinking the meanings that individuals may or may not ascribe onto words due to popular usage.

I apologize for criticism that veers into the insulting and for the generalities. I have plans notes to write a bit about the writing quirks out there that drive me nuts. My notes aren't near me, but I think it's mostly word usage stuff that makes things unnecessarily hard to read or confuse. This isn't grammar-Nazi stuff, but phrases and choices that are grammatically correct and accepted that interrupt my flow when reading and take me out of the story. Not just in fanfic, but everywhere. The plan is to keep these things very general because I don't want to single out an individual. Just because it's writing that bothers me, doesn't mean that it's bad writing. (I also have a list of my own writing quirks that I can recognize. I plan to use those to explain myself and better understand why I constantly fall back on them.) There's also the possibility that if I write one of these, or any type of criticism, on the wrong day I could be perceived as insulting or actually be insulting. I recognize this about myself. So, I'm sorry for the generalities that I will be writing and the possible cruel things I could write about actions and individuals.

I'm a person who wakes up most morning and has to be reminded that the best reason for waking up, bathing, and going to work most days is because I get to do it all over again the next day. Without the reminder, I can't promise that I'll be able to do it again the next day. I want to find something more positive for the reasons and I think writing may be that reason. However, I don't want to get bogged down and overloaded with the petty, vitriolic minutia that fills so much of the unterblerbs and crushes the morale of some good writers and artists and critics. I'm afraid of being one of those and by getting my apologies out there now I hope I won't feel like I always have to explain myself.

Some may ask, why post the writings? To which I will reply that arts aren't complete without someone (who isn't the creator) reading/hearing/seeing/experiencing the artwork. While I can't prove that people actually do read what I've written, I can track numbers and see that someone landed here and I can tell myself that at least one person read it. (Bots may mean I'm lying to myself, but I'll live with that.) And if I believe that one person did read it, then I believe it's complete. Completing art, it seems to me, is very difficult for many artists to do. Maybe because they look at feedback instead of simple numbers. It's harder to lie to yourself when you have no comments or cuddles or whatever the site give you, isn't it?

Thinking of comments, this isn't about me looking for praise and guilting a reader into saying nice about my work. I'm not perfect and neither will my writings be. I know that. True critique is the best way to explain to me, though, not name calling. (This is one of the reasons I don't often write comments. I want to go into the hows and whys of the creation, not just the created. Also, I truly believe, deep down inside, that, the hypothetical, you are not interested in my opinion because self-esteem.) I have to assume that any praise I get isn't simply mindless or rote (again, see: self-esteem issues, it's a terrible theme!), and I have to work hard to assume that. My favorite comments, the ones I remember most clearly, are the ones that let me know that the person finished the story because that means I really succeeded. I kept interest for however long I needed to. That's success.

These are my preemptive apologies. I reserve the right to add a retroactive apologies list which has the potential to grow forever and ever until the day I die. Amen.

Wednesday, July 05, 2017

A Horrible Idea

I had this idea eight years ago and this is what I wrote:
It's like My Fair Lady, but with nerds. A gorgeous girl decides to learn how to be a nerd. She goes to an expert, a know-it-all comic book shop owner. He teaches her to talk the talk then plays down her look so she can walk the walk.

It's all okay, though, because in the end she decides that it's okay to like geeky things and still look gorgeous. End with her in a super slutty looking costume of some sort at a con being stopped to have her picture taken then pull back to the guy who "trained" her nodding in a knowing way, because he did his job perfectly.
I've pushed it forward as a draft for a long time because I thought I'd flesh it out. You know how well that turned out.

Tuesday, July 04, 2017

I have lots to say, but not tonight.

I'm writing fanfiction on tumblr.

Have a wonderful bit of Steven Universe fandom:

Monday, January 30, 2017

Bruno: The Bear Who Stayed Awake

My brother wrote a children's book and it's up on Kickstarter. Please take a look.