Friday, July 28, 2017


I read a fic this evening and it had this written in it:”’her tone turned pitiful, ‘or maybe you just don’t feel the same way about me as I do about you!’”

Emphasis is mine.

I’ve had this said to me so many times and it was never true. I HATE it when people assume that because you don’t act out you feel differently, or, worse, feel less.

So angry even thinking about those stupid words.

People can fucking suck.

Sunday, July 23, 2017


Found these 100 on a tumblr. Thought, what the hell.

The meaning behind my url: Created in the days of only 8-character names. Combines one of my favorite superheros with his big blue buddy.
A picture of me: Here.
How many tattoos i have and what they are: None.
Last time i cried and why: 1997, I realized that I am an afterthought.
Piercings i have: None.
Favorite band: Fluctuates between They Might Be Giants and Barenaked Ladies.
Biggest turn offs: Close talking? I don't deal with peoples socially, so it doesn't come up much.
Top 5 (insert subject): I guess someone would actually have to ask me this one.
Tattoos i want: 阴茎 on the left forearm and 阴道 on the right.
Biggest turn ons: See two questions above.
Age: I’m the sum of the first six primes minus the second prime years old, until my next birthday.
Ideas of a perfect date: November 2nd?
Life goal: To have a life goal.
Piercings i want: None.
Relationship status: I think I understand about them.
Favorite movie: Fantasia.
A fact about my life: I don't think I have one.
Phobia: So far, none that I can't work though.
Middle name: Dannon
Height: 173 cm
Are you a virgin? Yes.
What’s your shoe size? 8.5-10 depending on the width.
What’s your sexual orientation? Asexual.
Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs? Only meats and cheeses, tea and water mostly, to keep me from hurting myself.
Someone you miss: Old friends, long gone.
What’s one thing you regret? The past.
First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive: Anne Hathaway
Favorite ice cream? Mint Chip. Unless I'm making it, then I have a tough decision because possibilities are endless.
One insecurity: All of them. Everything.
What my last text message says: "K"
Have you ever taken a picture naked? I've taken very few clothed. No.
Have you ever painted your room? Yes.
Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex? No.
Have you ever slept naked? Yes.
Have you ever danced in front of your mirror? No.
Have you ever had a crush? Yes.
Have you ever been dumped? No.
Have you ever stole money from a friend? No. Christ no!
Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met? Yes.
Have you ever been in a fist fight? No.
Have you ever snuck out of your house? Sneaked. And no. Never had a reason to.
Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? Probably, but I didn't ask.
Have you ever been arrested? Nope.
Have you ever made out with a stranger? No.
Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? For sex? No. For a movie or drink? Yes.
Have you ever left your house without telling your parents? Yes.
Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor? Never had much of a neighborhood living in the hills.
Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun? Yes, but I got my parents' permission, first.
Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes.
Have you ever seen someone die? I have not watched someone die. I've seen the dead.
Have you ever been on a plane? A few different kinds.
Have you ever kissed a picture? No. Do people really do this?
Have you ever slept in until 3? The latest I've ever slept is 10AM and than includes the night I stayed up until 8AM.
Have you ever love someone or miss someone right now? Awkward phrasing, but no to both parts.
Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes.
Have you ever made a snow angel? Whenever possible.
Have you ever played dress up? Not for a very long time.
Have you ever cheated while playing a game? Only when I play by myself.
Have you ever been lonely? Yes. I'm pretty sure everyone gets lonely sometimes.
Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school? I don't think so.
Have you ever been to a club? Yes, but not exactly the thump-thump kind a dance club thing.
Have you ever felt an earthquake? Yes.
Have you ever touched a snake? Wrapped around my arms and neck.
Have you ever ran a red light? Yes. And I was happy to learn that there wasn't one of those ticket cameras.
Have you ever been suspended from school? Nope. Goody-goody here.
Have you ever had detention? Yes. I was reading a newspaper in class rather than pretending to work on the work I'd finished.
Have you ever been in a car accident? Not that I can remember. Looking forward to being in a car on purpose someday.
Have you ever hated the way you look? Oh my, yes.
Have you ever witnessed a crime? I'm pretty sure I watched a drug drop in near a Catholic church.
Have you ever pole danced? Nope.
Have you ever been lost? Not so lost that I couldn't find my way. Except for that one time that the map was sucked out the window. I couldn't get where I was going, but had no problem getting home.
Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country? If I live in Kansas, what the hell would the opposite side of the country be? I've been to San Francisco and New York, so I've been to both coasts of the USA and touched the both big brineys.
Have you ever felt like dying? All the time.
Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? Not that I can remember.
Have you ever sang karaoke? Alone.
Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Not that I can remember, but probably.
Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes, and it stings.
Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger? When I used to babysit my cousins overnight they'd crawl under my covers. But I don't think that's what this question really wants to ask.
Have you ever kissed in the rain? No and I'd rather live out this song. It's more my style.
Have you ever sang in the shower? Almost every day.
Have you ever made out in a park? No.
Have you ever dream that you married someone? Long ago.
Have you ever glued your hand to something? To the other hand, to paper, to a table, to the wall.
Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? No. It doesn't get that cold here. No hard frosts.
Have you ever ever gone to school partially naked? Only in my dreams.
Have you ever been a cheerleader? Never. I have no spirit.
Have you ever sat on a roof top? Yes. It gets very hot up there in the summer.
Have you ever brush your teeth? Brushed. And Yes.
Have you ever ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? Do you mean "been too scared"? I've watched most scary movies alone. The others were mostly in the theater.
Have you ever played chicken? Nope.
Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Nope.
Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger? HAHAA! Nope.
Have you ever broken a bone? Not one of my own, nor a human beings, nor a living animal's, but lots of chicken and turkey bones have been broken because of me.
Have you ever been easily amused? Often.
Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? Once. Not only did I cry, I couldn't breathe.
Have you ever mooned/flashed someone? Nope.
Have you ever cheated on a test? Never needed to.
Have you ever forgotten someone’s name? Almost every day of my life.
Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real? I've met some unreal people, but they all seemed real to me.
Give us one thing about you that no one knows. I don't like being touched. Hugs, handshakes, friendly pats on the shoulder, jostling on the bus, I hate them all. After the touch, my skin feels tingly and I try to rub it away. So, horribly uncomfortable.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Posted to my Fanfic Blog

Preemptive Apology

As stated by the title, this is a preemptive apology to fans and fandoms and those who may find their way here. This promises to be rambling and possibly pointless. I expect some personal things will be tossed out there that may make some uncomfortable, but nothing personal that makes me uncomfortable will be posted, maybe just written and erased.

Maybe this whole preemptive apology thing, too.

I apologize for disappointing the expectations of those who decided to follow me. My self-esteem is low enough to wonder why you would do follow, but I appreciate the follow. I've always wanted to tell stories for a living. This is the closest that I've come. Probably the closest that I'll ever come. I don't know what kind a storyteller I am. I have some idea about what kind I'd like to be, but I'm unclear on the future. I can't know what you expect except for maybe more of what I've already written and I hope I won't be, though. So, I'm sorry about not meeting any expectations that may be out there.

I apologize for all the time between one story and the next, whether they are or are not related stories. In no way am I a perfectionist, just see the errors that riddle this and anything else I've written and been willing to post. Some people can write a few hours every day and be happy tossing it out for our reading pleasure right away. I am not one of these people. I don't write stories every day. If I'm lucky I'll do something every week. And when I do write, it's in hard to stop chunks of time. My fingers pound across the keyboard trying to finish, like they're afraid that I'll forget or lose my ability or something, which I have done before. Also, I'm unable to serialize. I don't like posting something that's unfinished. Serialize is a promise to finish. A promise not always met. A promise I'm afraid to make. I don't need to live with that guilt. So, I'm sorry for waiting instead of starting and stopping and starting and stopping again.

I apologize for shipping your ship and then turning around and shipping your ship characters with others. I've never had a "one true pair" as a fan. I don't really understand the OTP mentality. Part of the reason why is because I like to write post-canon stories and I don't believe that the pairings of youth carry through as time goes on. Yes, two of the best people I've ever know began dating in high school, married in college, and now have two school age children. I know it happens, but it's the exception, not the rule. I believe that it's much easier for friendship and feelings to span childhood to senility than it is for romance. Besides, in the end the best romances become the best friendships. So, I'm sorry for not backing your ship, or any ship, 100% of the time.

I apologize for rarely creating for things that are currently being produced. I prefer not to contradict canon. I like to answer a question not answered or imagine a future that can't be undone with a single word or come up with something outlandish that doesn't interfere with what happened. Yes, ripple (or butterfly, if that's your thing) effects are cool and fun and can alter favorite stories in interesting ways, but that's not my thing. (At least for right now.) Things in production change so quickly and in such unexpected ways and I like for the stuff I make to "count," even though it doesn't "count." So, I'm sorry for often waiting for the end to begin.

I apologize for not sticking to one fandom. I did that for years in the beginning and I'm slowly re-posting the stories I wrote back then that I still like. Anyway, I'm not feeling that way anymore. It was finding this other fandom, and one drawing in particular, that gave me the bump I needed, the bump meds couldn't supply, to start writing again. Suddenly there was an itch again that wouldn't go away by ignoring it. When that itch was satisfied, another came along. And now I'm itchy to convert notes I've carried around for a while into the stories they were meant to be. These are shows that I enjoy and, ultimately, I write for two reasons: 1. practice, and 2. because I'd like these characters to be remembered. So, I'm sorry for not always writing for the fandom that encouraged you to visit but hopefully, other stories will keep you coming back.

I apologize for being a terrible part of fandom. I'm not great at cuddling and sharing and communicating. Years ago, when I first ventured from a passive member to an active member of fandom I did join in. I found a message board that was mostly devoted to my show of choice. I worked up the courage to share my thoughts along with my stories. I'd post a thought and a thread would die. No answer to my question. No acknowledgement of the joke. It simply died. I don't know if my perception was objectively right, but I got tired feeling like a conversation killer and I hardly ever commented anymore until the point I stopped commenting until the point where I stopped posting. Reason why, see the self-esteem issue mentioned at the top of this ramble, also the darkness became overwhelming. So, I'm sorry for not jumping in with gusto; I've not had good experiences trying.

I apologize for writing too much or not enough "not safe for work" content. I've marked this tumblr as adult content because occasionally I expect to write about naked bodies pressing against one another. However, I try hard not to keep my work from being smut, even though I quite enjoy smut. It's a fine line that I've just started trying to walk in my writing. Originally, this tumblr wasn't marked adult content because I think stories that include naked bodies pressing against each other are fine for teens, the fappable and non-fappable stories. Then I wrote about how panels are used in a comic and got called a lot of terrible things. It wasn't for my content, but I'd rather not deal with those people. So, I'm sorry for trying to write some NSFW stuff without making it too explicit.

I apologize for the times I'm not sensitive enough and the times I'm too sensitive. See: self-esteem issues. There's this one word that I've thrown around about myself usually after the modifier "socially" or "emotionally." Under its original meaning the word is fine, but the (recent) historical use makes that call much harder and I shy away from using it in conversation and writing to keep from alienating people over a word. Too sensitive, right? However, if I were to write a certain kind of character, say a scientist with a hard on for Szechuan sauce, then using the word could be very appropriate because the character has said the word before and there are plenty of character situations where I would write him saying it again. Not sensitive enough, right? This is one of the few places where I can't see a line to walk. You step on one side or the other, upsetting one side or the other. Where's the middle ground? Thank goodness I don't write Huck Finn fanfic because to be historically (and canonically) accurate would upset lots of people, but so would disregarding an important aspect of one of the themes that really can't be explored without. So, I'm sorry for over-thinking the meanings that individuals may or may not ascribe onto words due to popular usage.

I apologize for criticism that veers into the insulting and for the generalities. I have plans notes to write a bit about the writing quirks out there that drive me nuts. My notes aren't near me, but I think it's mostly word usage stuff that makes things unnecessarily hard to read or confuse. This isn't grammar-Nazi stuff, but phrases and choices that are grammatically correct and accepted that interrupt my flow when reading and take me out of the story. Not just in fanfic, but everywhere. The plan is to keep these things very general because I don't want to single out an individual. Just because it's writing that bothers me, doesn't mean that it's bad writing. (I also have a list of my own writing quirks that I can recognize. I plan to use those to explain myself and better understand why I constantly fall back on them.) There's also the possibility that if I write one of these, or any type of criticism, on the wrong day I could be perceived as insulting or actually be insulting. I recognize this about myself. So, I'm sorry for the generalities that I will be writing and the possible cruel things I could write about actions and individuals.

I'm a person who wakes up most morning and has to be reminded that the best reason for waking up, bathing, and going to work most days is because I get to do it all over again the next day. Without the reminder, I can't promise that I'll be able to do it again the next day. I want to find something more positive for the reasons and I think writing may be that reason. However, I don't want to get bogged down and overloaded with the petty, vitriolic minutia that fills so much of the unterblerbs and crushes the morale of some good writers and artists and critics. I'm afraid of being one of those and by getting my apologies out there now I hope I won't feel like I always have to explain myself.

Some may ask, why post the writings? To which I will reply that arts aren't complete without someone (who isn't the creator) reading/hearing/seeing/experiencing the artwork. While I can't prove that people actually do read what I've written, I can track numbers and see that someone landed here and I can tell myself that at least one person read it. (Bots may mean I'm lying to myself, but I'll live with that.) And if I believe that one person did read it, then I believe it's complete. Completing art, it seems to me, is very difficult for many artists to do. Maybe because they look at feedback instead of simple numbers. It's harder to lie to yourself when you have no comments or cuddles or whatever the site give you, isn't it?

Thinking of comments, this isn't about me looking for praise and guilting a reader into saying nice about my work. I'm not perfect and neither will my writings be. I know that. True critique is the best way to explain to me, though, not name calling. (This is one of the reasons I don't often write comments. I want to go into the hows and whys of the creation, not just the created. Also, I truly believe, deep down inside, that, the hypothetical, you are not interested in my opinion because self-esteem.) I have to assume that any praise I get isn't simply mindless or rote (again, see: self-esteem issues, it's a terrible theme!), and I have to work hard to assume that. My favorite comments, the ones I remember most clearly, are the ones that let me know that the person finished the story because that means I really succeeded. I kept interest for however long I needed to. That's success.

These are my preemptive apologies. I reserve the right to add a retroactive apologies list which has the potential to grow forever and ever until the day I die. Amen.

Wednesday, July 05, 2017

A Horrible Idea

I had this idea eight years ago and this is what I wrote:
It's like My Fair Lady, but with nerds. A gorgeous girl decides to learn how to be a nerd. She goes to an expert, a know-it-all comic book shop owner. He teaches her to talk the talk then plays down her look so she can walk the walk.

It's all okay, though, because in the end she decides that it's okay to like geeky things and still look gorgeous. End with her in a super slutty looking costume of some sort at a con being stopped to have her picture taken then pull back to the guy who "trained" her nodding in a knowing way, because he did his job perfectly.
I've pushed it forward as a draft for a long time because I thought I'd flesh it out. You know how well that turned out.

Tuesday, July 04, 2017

I have lots to say, but not tonight.

I'm writing fanfiction on tumblr.

Have a wonderful bit of Steven Universe fandom: