Sunday, October 15, 2017

On How to Help?

Dear S--,

I've been trying to write this for about a month, now.

I ran into your Grandpa at the grocery store and although it had been five months since you killed yourself, he looked shaken up. I suppose that the nice thing to do would have been to offer him some sort comfort? I should have acknowledged what happened and then told him how sorry I was about it, I suppose.

I couldn't though. Don't think I ever can.

So I asked him how his foundation work is going and we chatted a bit about my shitty job. I mentioned that I had recently visited family up your way and he said he was heading up in a week or so to see your family and your Aunt's family. His family. I still didn't have anything to say to him. And we left it at that.

It's not like I had nothing to say, but what I had to say wouldn't have been a comfort to him because knowing what you did... I can't say that you were wrong.

The last time I saw you was almost exactly four years ago. I was at your Aunt's house visiting briefly before I headed down to my family. It was your cousin's birthday party. You were the oldest one there, by several years, which isn't easy, but you were trying. Trying to be included. Trying to one of them. Trying to keep it up.

I've known you for a long time. Not quite since the day you were born, but pretty close. I remember meeting your father, back when your mother and him were lying to themselves about themselves. They were idiots. Then he was gone and you were with your mom and the stream of guys she kept promising you she'd marry until she didn't. How many time was it? Five? Six? Seven? No matter the exact number, it was too many.

And so I watched you. I wasn't really friends with your mom, but with your aunt and her husband. They were my friends. But your aunt was very careful to be around you as much as possible. I don't think she trusted your mom. So, when I visited we ended up at a lot of places your mom wanted to be with her friends to keep an eye on you, I think.

I think that because I can remember several occasions when I was the one watching you. You would walk off looking for rocks, you really loved rocks for a while there, and I'd see you go and your aunt would see you go (and your uncle may have seen you go, but before he had kids, I don't think he had ever thought about how easy it is to lose a kid). I'd look at your aunt and jerk my head in your direction. She'd give a weak smile or a stony look and nod. I'd get up and follow you. I'm sure she would have if I hadn't been there, but I was and since I wasn't really wanted anyway I wouldn't be noticed.

Mostly, I just followed you. You'd pick up rocks, look at them, compare them to each other, and put them in your pocket. When you found an acorn, you threw it as hard as you could and then look for another rock. Occasionally, you'd call me over and talk about your rocks. You'd talk like you were a scientist, even though you didn't have a clue what you were talking about. You sounded authoritative, though. I didn't say much. I just listened. I knew that you weren't listened too very much. Most of the time you were just talked at and told what to do. You needed to do some talking.

In time, your mom moved, with you, and I saw you less because, again, I wasn't really friends with her. I'd ask your aunt about you, though because I could see, even when you were little, that something was hurt and hurting. Something that wouldn't be easy to shake and I wanted you to be well.

I did see you on occasion, though. I'd visit your aunt on holidays and you'd be around, so I saw you get bigger. I saw that you always wore your hair long. Was that your idea? I think it was. The main reason I think so is because you always kept hair in front of your face. Trying to hide. Even when you laughed, it was from behind a curtain of hair.

At your cousin's birthday four years ago, your hair was the longest I'd ever seen it and it was always blocking your face. All day long. All day long.

I mentioned to your aunt that I though something was wrong. That you weren't happy. That it might have been deeper. She said she'd mention it to your mom. Your aunt was going through her own shit at that time as well as trying to raise her kids. I'm sure she mentioned it to your mother and was blown off.

Your mother always seemed to attribute your actions and attitude to something you were eating. The nitrates or nitrites or whatever else the liberal mommy blogs were saying at the time. Plus you probably weren't acting much different from usual. Was she dating at the time? I can't remember. It was only a year or so ago that she finally got married to one of the guys that she'd always say she married. Did you do things to try to drive these guys away, or did you want a dad?

Anyway, after you killed yourself, I didn't feel surprised. I felt more like it had been a long time coming. That's not fair and not nice, I know.

The problem is, though, that I've been near that point myself and ever since then I can't say the suicide is a bad decision. I can't. It doesn't feel like a bad decision in the moment, and it doesn't now, either. Even in these moments where I can hope for a future I can't say that suicide is not an option.

In the moments when I imagine talking to you before you kill yourself, I imagine telling you that it's an option. Not necessarily the best, but it's an option. I can't promise you that things would get better either. I could tell you that things change, though; that things would be different. I would tell you that people would miss you. Your aunt would. Your grandpa would... does.

Would any of that helped to stop you? I don't know. Would you have heard the honesty, though? I think so because at my lowest, even when I couldn't feel like anything but a burden on the world as a whole, I could recognize honesty.

Still thinking about this won't bring you back. It's unlikely that any of your family will know that I wrote this and I don't think it would bring them comfort. Probably just make them angry. And you'd still be gone.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Companionable Coworkers

I've spent way too much time in fast food places over the past week and I noticed something, something that I should have remembered.

Today, both of the places I went to were empty inside, except for me. Plenty of people in the drive-thru, though. And I could hear the teasing and mockery and genuine comradity (pardon the spelling). That sense of a team that functions well together and like working together.

I found myself missing that.

At my "grown-up" job, we may use teamwork, but we don't work as a team together. Everyone does their part and we hope all the parts fit together in the end.

Maybe that's why so many people there seem so desparet to connect to others.

Tuesday, September 05, 2017


I was reading an article about asexuality and I broke the number one rule of the internet. I read the comments.

Homosexual men and women are supposed to be forward thinking and accepting of people who are different, right? They're supposed to want to encourage the growth of diversity of human sexuality, right?

Too many of them are just as awful as every other troll on the internets who refuses to believe or understand something that they simply don't feel or haven't experienced themselves.

Thank you, internet, for constantly lowering my expectations.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

The Exorcist

I just finished re-watching The Exorcist TV series.

The show is so very good. The way the tension builds from the first episode to the twist in the sixth to the power of the finale.

My favorite thing has to be that Angela's choice to fight back didn't come when Father Tomas embraces his destiny, but when she heard her family reciting the Lord's Prayer. It was her family, not a priest or God that gave her the will to fight and live again.

I've never been a person of Faith or religion, but I am a person of family. Family's worth fighting for.

Wednesday, August 09, 2017

Last One... For a While

1. Any scars? One on the top of my head from getting wacked by an oar.
2. Self harmed? Nothing serious.
3. Crush? Orange soda. A favorite of the Waponis
4. Kissed anyone? Not for a long time.
5. Coke or Pepsi? Don't care. Cola is cola.
6. Someone you hate? I try not to hate people.
7. Best Friends? I need friends, first.
8. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs? Nope.
9. What’s your dream job? Eccentric billionaire.
10. Ever been in love? I don't think so.
11. Last time you cried? Many, many, many years ago.
12. Favorite color? Blue.
13. Height? About 173 cm.
14. Birthday? Every year. But it's my day and I don't often share.
15. Eye color? Green, but with some variation.
16. Hair color? Brown, unless the sun is right, then auburnish.
17. What do you love? Dunno.
18. Obsession? Don't really obsess.
19. If you had one wish, what would it be? To know what to wish for.
20. Do you love someone? I think I love my family, but that's more something I do rather than feel.
21. Kiss or hug? Neither.
22. Nicknames people call you? Only one set of aunt/uncle call me a nickname and I do not care for it. I let them do it because. I will not tell the world the nickname, though.
23. Favorite song? These constantly rotate through my head daily: "These Apples," Barenaked Ladies; "Maybe I Will," Julia Nunes; "Narrow Your Eyes," They Might Be Giants; and "Overkill," Colin Hay.
24. Favorite band? I flop between They Might Be Giants and Barenaked Ladies
25. Worst thing that has ever happened to you? Dunno. When a bad thing happens, I can always imagine how it could be worse.
26. Best thing that has ever happened to you? When I was eight and Santa Claus knew my name and my brothers' names, that was pretty damned amazing.
27. Something you would change about yourself? Everything. Most minutes, I'd rather not be me.
28. Ever dated someone? Not on a regular basis.
29. Worst mistake? I can always imagine how it could have been worse.
30. Watch the movie or read the book? You're going watch the movie because it's easier, but try to read the book if you like the movie or the movie challenged you. Odds are there's something more in the book for you to find. Except for Forest Gump; do not read that book.
31. Ever had a heartbreak? I've had heartache, but not break.
32. Favorite show? Right now I really like The Good Place and The Excorcist. Both are so good.
33. Best day of your life? Still waiting for that.
34. Any talents? Not that I know of.
35. Do you wish you could ever start over? Only if I didn't have to be me again.
36. Any bad habits? My, yes.
37. Ever had a near death experience? Not that I can remember.
38. Someone I can tell anything to? I see a therapist, but I don't even tell everything.
39. Ever lost a loved one? Grandparents.
40. Do you believe in love? I do, but I don't think it's in the way most do or would understand.
41. Someone you hate/Dislike? I don't like my boss's boss. She's an erratic micromanager, so you never know what's going to set her off.
42. Are you okay? I tell people I am okay.

Monday, August 07, 2017

These Lists Are So High School

if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? Read The Tick comics from the beginning through Sean Wang's The Tick and Arthur. Watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. Listen to the Beatles Revolver and Rubber Soul. I think those things can give a sense of who I am, but nothing would really provide understanding.
have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who? I don't know if I could stand a person who thinks exactly like me. I don't like me enough. A couple of writers who helped me to understand myself better are Douglas Coupland, Nick Hornsby, Ursula Le Guin, and Octavia Butler.
list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.
Star Trek - Neelix
The Tick - Arthur
Steven Universe - Lars and Sadie
Star vs the Forces of Evil - Yvgeny Bulgolyubov
Farscape - Rygel
Gravity Falls - Dipper
The Wheel of Time - Loial
DC Comics - Ted Kord, aka Blue Beetle
Marvel Comics - Cyclops, aka Scott Summers
Daria - Daria
Song of Ice and Fire - Samwell Tarly
Harry Potter - Luna Lovegood
Shannara - Walker Boh
StarGate - Eli Wallace
I'll stop before I just go too nuts on fandoms. Feel free to ask for more, though.
do you like your name? is there another name you think would fit you better? I like my name fine. Although sometimes I think about officially dropping the extra syllables that appear on my birth certificate.
do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? Ha ha. A human being. I'm not much for doing. Can I be a human thinking?
do you identify yourself by the things you do? No.
are you religious/spiritual? No.
do you care about your ethnicity? I don't care about my ethnicity, but I'm white and accept the privileges that some with it. If I were a different ethnicity, it might matter in ways I'd rather not imagine.
what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime? They Might Be Giants.
are you an artist? No, but I wish I were.
do you have a creed? I had to look up creed. I didn't know it had to do with religious beliefs. No, do not have a creed.
describe your ideal day. Walk along the beach, barefoot, in the morning. Watch people play fetch with their dogs. Simple lunch. Matinee of a musical. Nice dinner. Asleep by 10PM.
dog person or cat person? Cat person. I've always liked cats a lot, but I like other people's dogs just fine.
inside or outdoors? Inside person, but with the right space I think I'd be more of an outdoor person.
are you a musician? No. Again, I wish I were.
five most influential books over your lifetime. "Influential" is a stumbling block for me. I don't particularly care for Fitzgerald's and Hemingway's books, but their books are important because I find myself trying to emulate parts of their writing styles when I fiction. I read To Kill a Mockingbird every spring, but that's because it touches me differently each time I read it. Heinlan's Stranger in a Strange Land was very important to me when I was 18; it's not so important now. But are any of these books "influential"? I don't know. I've never read a book, or experience any kind of media, that changed my life or made me want to change my life. Is that what an influential book does?
if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same? There might be similarities, but I wouldn't be who I am.
would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”? It's the "real" me because I don't feel the need to lie and even share and erotica, which I had never done before my tumblr. It's not me because it's mostly about my fanfiction and other fan tendencies, which isn't all that I am.
what’s your patronus? I think Pottermore gave me a swan or goose or something, which (hyperbolically) sickens me. I'd rather it be a sea turtle, or elephant, or mocking bird, or firefly. Something that feels like me.
which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle? I'd probably be a muggle, but if I was lucky enough to be a witch, I'd choose Ravenclaw.
would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else? I'd rather be in Oz or Xanth. Those are the fictional fantasy worlds I long to live in.
do you love easily? I crush easily, but do not love easily.
list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order. How about I use some psychosis to work this out with math! 1. Sleep, 48-60 hours per week. 2. Work, 40 hours per week. 3. Unterburps related stuff, 20-30 hours per week. 4. TV, normaly during unterburps time. 5. Read, 10-15 hours a week.
how often would you want to see your family every year? I wish my immediately family -- parents, sibs, significant other's, nieces and nephews -- could have a family meal/day each month. Maybe if I had friends I'd think differently.
have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone? No.
could you live as a hermit? Yes. As long as I had stuff to read.
how would you describe your gender/sexuality? I think my gender is right for me, but shouldn't matter to anyone. My sexuality is asexual. I'm not sure if I'm aromantic or simply not looking/content.
do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”? No, but I think that if other are willing to go past that to find the "real" me then it doesn't matter.
on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin? Most of the time I'm hard to annoy. I'm not sure if that's a low number or a high number. so a level 2-3 or 8-9.
three songs that you connect with right now. "Stronger Than You" from Steven Universe always puts tears in my eyes. "Settle for Me" from My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, but you could probably choose any of Greg's songs and I'd connect with it. I haven't been listening to much music recently, so I'll stick with these two.
pick one of your favorite quotes. " I've done far worse than kill you. I've hurt you. And I wish to go on... hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me. As you left her. Marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet... buried alive... buried alive."

Friday, August 04, 2017

Just to Post

Post a picture of u? Nobody wants to see that.
Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? I don't date anyone. So, no.
Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? I've found it easier to be friends with girls, but I don't prefer one to the other. I prefer nerds and that requires no gender.
Would you ever smile at a stranger? I do it all the time.
Can you commit to one person? Probably. Right now that person is me.
How do you look right now? Through my eyes.
What exactly are you wearing right now? Polo shirt, black slacks, grey sneakers.
How often do you listen to music? At least 30 minutes a day, but it tends to repeat.
Do you wear jeans or sweats more? Sweats, I guess. I don't wear jeans. Cheap slacks are more comfortable.
Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2015? When was this written again? No for back then and no for 2018.
Are you a social or an antisocial person? Antisocial.
If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? It depends on how friendly we are. If we're not friendly then I don't say a thing. If we are casually friendly then I probably only say that it's nice when directly asked. If we're good friends I ask what they like about the other person. I wouldn't do or say anything to hurt this person's feelings. It's my fault for not moving.
Are you good at hiding your feelings? When I have feelings I think I'm good at hiding them.
Can you drive a stick shift? In the USA I can. I don't know how well I'd be able to do it in the UK or other drive on the left nations.
Do you care if people talk badly about you? Not really, but I do get bothered if I think about people talking about me. It doesn't matter what they're actually saying.
Are you going out of town soon? I hope to see a play soon.
When was the last time you cried? Long, long ago. Why is this question so important to these types of questionnaires?
Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Is this like a suddenly you're crushing on your friend that you've known since kindergarten thing? Or more you're crushing on the evil super trash who hates everyone -- you can tell by the racial and sexual slurs used -- thing? Every time I've like-liked someone it was a surprise because I don't expect it.
If you could change your eye color, would you? Probably not. Unless I could do like bee stripes concentric circles or something.
Name something you have to do tomorrow? Grocery shopping.
Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. Work.
Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? I've always like my friends of the opposite sex. I'm not friends with people I don't like. Have I like-liked any of them? Yes.
Are you nice to everyone? I try not to be rude to everyone, but I'm not neccessarily nice.
What are you sitting on right now? My ass. A rolling chair.
Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Yes. Absolutely. But I don't relationship, so I'll never test this out.
Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? I've never tried, so how could I know I couldn't have had that someone. Pining from the distance assuming that person would never romantically is not knowing. The only way to know is to ask. I don't ask.
Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? The last person I would have talked to is a coworker before we locked up for the night. After that, I only talked to myself. Oh, and some cats.
Do you get a lot of colds? Usually only one bad one each year.
Have your pants ever fallen down in public? No. When your a fatty, you worry more about splitting your pants in public.
Does anyone hate you? I don't think so, but I spend as little time with people as possible and would do my best not to spend time with someone I knew hated me. Unless I was getting paid, that is.
Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? My therapist is the opposite sex of me, but I would never tell anyone everything.
Do you like watching scary movies? Yes, but I didn't start enjoying scary movies until I was in high school.
Are you a jealous person? Rarely.
If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? Sixth grade. Let's erase from August 1 before school started through the next July 31. Good fucking riddance!
Did you have a dream last night? Yes. I seem to dream every night with this current antidepressant. Sometimes they are crazy vivid.
Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? In theory I COULD tell everyone everything. In practice, no way.
Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? No.
Do you think someone has feelings for you? I assume my family and coworkers have some feelings for me, but I also assume that no one has romantic feelings for me.
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? God, I hope not. I get twitchy when I think someone is thinking about me.
Did you have a good day yesterday? It was average. I don't like my job, but I also don't hate it. So...
Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? Romantic relationship? No. Never have been, probably never will be.
Is your life anything like it was two years ago? Eerily similar.
If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? Waiting in line for a roller coaster arguing which was better/more important, Wonder Woman or Captain America: First Avenger?
What’s the best part about school? Those times when a teacher takes your thoughts seriously and you're not treated like an average asshole.
Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Yes, but I don't post pictures of me.
Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? I was lucky enough to rarely have friends in the same class as me
Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Yes. Mostly when I'm trying to plan for the future or figure out if a memory is real or from a TV show I watched as a kid.
Were you single over the last summer? Over every summer.
What are you supposed to be doing right now? Reviewing applications.
Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? My mother is adorable.