Monday, October 07, 2013

And the Tears Won't Come

There are times when everything wells up inside and I feel like crying. Not just a few brief sobs and then done, but real tears that just don't end. Usually it happens at work or some other time or place where it would be inappropriate, so I refuse to let myself. At those times, though, when it would be okay to cry I try to let myself, but the tears just won't come. I sit feeling scrunched up inside with no release.

Sometimes, those moments, or at least a reason for those moments is understandable. Today I got some news that was upsetting. Not just because something was cancelled (to be honest I wasn't that excited about a party), rather it was the mindset of the person who cancelled. And it scares me and I hope this person will be well. For a good long while I was scrunched up. Now, not so much, but behind my eyes feels very heavy.

Makes sense, right? Last night, though, I was reading Jess Fink's outstanding We Can Fix It: A Time Travel Memoir and it happened. The book starts out with Jess traveling back in time to keep herself from doing embarrassing relationship/sexual things. Then it changes to her looking at some horrible things that happened in her life. After that she decides to look at these little moments in her life that made her laugh or brought her joy. Thats when the feeling started and nothing could come.

Of course before I could sleep I spent an hour dwelling on it, dissecting everything I had thought and felt while reading. In the end I figured out the why and fell asleep.

I'm not going to write what the why is because it actually has to do with the last time I cried and I'm not comfortable putting it out there right now because when I did the crying I was mocked for the thing that upset me. I really don't need to go through that again.


Lil said...

I know I haven't commented in forever, but I do read you and I am pulling for you.

This post resonated with me. I'm going through some nasty shit right now and I would so love to just cry my heart out; if I do though, I'm not sure I won't just fall to pieces.

Hang in there, we'll both eventually work our way out of it.

ticknart said...

Hi Jazz. I'm glad to know you still lurk around. I'm not at all sure what to write. I hate it when good people are going through crappy times. Sometimes, though, it's really hard to wait for eventually and sometimes I just want to stop the waiting. 'Couse that's why I see the brain doctor on a practically weekly basis. I'm in his top 5 after all.

Be well, Jazz. Look forward to your next trip somewhere warm.