Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Posted to my Fanfic Blog

Preemptive Apology

As stated by the title, this is a preemptive apology to fans and fandoms and those who may find their way here. This promises to be rambling and possibly pointless. I expect some personal things will be tossed out there that may make some uncomfortable, but nothing personal that makes me uncomfortable will be posted, maybe just written and erased.

Maybe this whole preemptive apology thing, too.

I apologize for disappointing the expectations of those who decided to follow me. My self-esteem is low enough to wonder why you would do follow, but I appreciate the follow. I've always wanted to tell stories for a living. This is the closest that I've come. Probably the closest that I'll ever come. I don't know what kind a storyteller I am. I have some idea about what kind I'd like to be, but I'm unclear on the future. I can't know what you expect except for maybe more of what I've already written and I hope I won't be, though. So, I'm sorry about not meeting any expectations that may be out there.

I apologize for all the time between one story and the next, whether they are or are not related stories. In no way am I a perfectionist, just see the errors that riddle this and anything else I've written and been willing to post. Some people can write a few hours every day and be happy tossing it out for our reading pleasure right away. I am not one of these people. I don't write stories every day. If I'm lucky I'll do something every week. And when I do write, it's in hard to stop chunks of time. My fingers pound across the keyboard trying to finish, like they're afraid that I'll forget or lose my ability or something, which I have done before. Also, I'm unable to serialize. I don't like posting something that's unfinished. Serialize is a promise to finish. A promise not always met. A promise I'm afraid to make. I don't need to live with that guilt. So, I'm sorry for waiting instead of starting and stopping and starting and stopping again.

I apologize for shipping your ship and then turning around and shipping your ship characters with others. I've never had a "one true pair" as a fan. I don't really understand the OTP mentality. Part of the reason why is because I like to write post-canon stories and I don't believe that the pairings of youth carry through as time goes on. Yes, two of the best people I've ever know began dating in high school, married in college, and now have two school age children. I know it happens, but it's the exception, not the rule. I believe that it's much easier for friendship and feelings to span childhood to senility than it is for romance. Besides, in the end the best romances become the best friendships. So, I'm sorry for not backing your ship, or any ship, 100% of the time.

I apologize for rarely creating for things that are currently being produced. I prefer not to contradict canon. I like to answer a question not answered or imagine a future that can't be undone with a single word or come up with something outlandish that doesn't interfere with what happened. Yes, ripple (or butterfly, if that's your thing) effects are cool and fun and can alter favorite stories in interesting ways, but that's not my thing. (At least for right now.) Things in production change so quickly and in such unexpected ways and I like for the stuff I make to "count," even though it doesn't "count." So, I'm sorry for often waiting for the end to begin.

I apologize for not sticking to one fandom. I did that for years in the beginning and I'm slowly re-posting the stories I wrote back then that I still like. Anyway, I'm not feeling that way anymore. It was finding this other fandom, and one drawing in particular, that gave me the bump I needed, the bump meds couldn't supply, to start writing again. Suddenly there was an itch again that wouldn't go away by ignoring it. When that itch was satisfied, another came along. And now I'm itchy to convert notes I've carried around for a while into the stories they were meant to be. These are shows that I enjoy and, ultimately, I write for two reasons: 1. practice, and 2. because I'd like these characters to be remembered. So, I'm sorry for not always writing for the fandom that encouraged you to visit but hopefully, other stories will keep you coming back.

I apologize for being a terrible part of fandom. I'm not great at cuddling and sharing and communicating. Years ago, when I first ventured from a passive member to an active member of fandom I did join in. I found a message board that was mostly devoted to my show of choice. I worked up the courage to share my thoughts along with my stories. I'd post a thought and a thread would die. No answer to my question. No acknowledgement of the joke. It simply died. I don't know if my perception was objectively right, but I got tired feeling like a conversation killer and I hardly ever commented anymore until the point I stopped commenting until the point where I stopped posting. Reason why, see the self-esteem issue mentioned at the top of this ramble, also the darkness became overwhelming. So, I'm sorry for not jumping in with gusto; I've not had good experiences trying.

I apologize for writing too much or not enough "not safe for work" content. I've marked this tumblr as adult content because occasionally I expect to write about naked bodies pressing against one another. However, I try hard not to keep my work from being smut, even though I quite enjoy smut. It's a fine line that I've just started trying to walk in my writing. Originally, this tumblr wasn't marked adult content because I think stories that include naked bodies pressing against each other are fine for teens, the fappable and non-fappable stories. Then I wrote about how panels are used in a comic and got called a lot of terrible things. It wasn't for my content, but I'd rather not deal with those people. So, I'm sorry for trying to write some NSFW stuff without making it too explicit.

I apologize for the times I'm not sensitive enough and the times I'm too sensitive. See: self-esteem issues. There's this one word that I've thrown around about myself usually after the modifier "socially" or "emotionally." Under its original meaning the word is fine, but the (recent) historical use makes that call much harder and I shy away from using it in conversation and writing to keep from alienating people over a word. Too sensitive, right? However, if I were to write a certain kind of character, say a scientist with a hard on for Szechuan sauce, then using the word could be very appropriate because the character has said the word before and there are plenty of character situations where I would write him saying it again. Not sensitive enough, right? This is one of the few places where I can't see a line to walk. You step on one side or the other, upsetting one side or the other. Where's the middle ground? Thank goodness I don't write Huck Finn fanfic because to be historically (and canonically) accurate would upset lots of people, but so would disregarding an important aspect of one of the themes that really can't be explored without. So, I'm sorry for over-thinking the meanings that individuals may or may not ascribe onto words due to popular usage.

I apologize for criticism that veers into the insulting and for the generalities. I have plans notes to write a bit about the writing quirks out there that drive me nuts. My notes aren't near me, but I think it's mostly word usage stuff that makes things unnecessarily hard to read or confuse. This isn't grammar-Nazi stuff, but phrases and choices that are grammatically correct and accepted that interrupt my flow when reading and take me out of the story. Not just in fanfic, but everywhere. The plan is to keep these things very general because I don't want to single out an individual. Just because it's writing that bothers me, doesn't mean that it's bad writing. (I also have a list of my own writing quirks that I can recognize. I plan to use those to explain myself and better understand why I constantly fall back on them.) There's also the possibility that if I write one of these, or any type of criticism, on the wrong day I could be perceived as insulting or actually be insulting. I recognize this about myself. So, I'm sorry for the generalities that I will be writing and the possible cruel things I could write about actions and individuals.

I'm a person who wakes up most morning and has to be reminded that the best reason for waking up, bathing, and going to work most days is because I get to do it all over again the next day. Without the reminder, I can't promise that I'll be able to do it again the next day. I want to find something more positive for the reasons and I think writing may be that reason. However, I don't want to get bogged down and overloaded with the petty, vitriolic minutia that fills so much of the unterblerbs and crushes the morale of some good writers and artists and critics. I'm afraid of being one of those and by getting my apologies out there now I hope I won't feel like I always have to explain myself.

Some may ask, why post the writings? To which I will reply that arts aren't complete without someone (who isn't the creator) reading/hearing/seeing/experiencing the artwork. While I can't prove that people actually do read what I've written, I can track numbers and see that someone landed here and I can tell myself that at least one person read it. (Bots may mean I'm lying to myself, but I'll live with that.) And if I believe that one person did read it, then I believe it's complete. Completing art, it seems to me, is very difficult for many artists to do. Maybe because they look at feedback instead of simple numbers. It's harder to lie to yourself when you have no comments or cuddles or whatever the site give you, isn't it?

Thinking of comments, this isn't about me looking for praise and guilting a reader into saying nice about my work. I'm not perfect and neither will my writings be. I know that. True critique is the best way to explain to me, though, not name calling. (This is one of the reasons I don't often write comments. I want to go into the hows and whys of the creation, not just the created. Also, I truly believe, deep down inside, that, the hypothetical, you are not interested in my opinion because self-esteem.) I have to assume that any praise I get isn't simply mindless or rote (again, see: self-esteem issues, it's a terrible theme!), and I have to work hard to assume that. My favorite comments, the ones I remember most clearly, are the ones that let me know that the person finished the story because that means I really succeeded. I kept interest for however long I needed to. That's success.

These are my preemptive apologies. I reserve the right to add a retroactive apologies list which has the potential to grow forever and ever until the day I die. Amen.

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