It's Gonna Happen, Sorry

 Dear Kid From the Autism Forum Who Doesn't Like Being Touched,

As someone like you, someone who hates being touched by people, but is several years older than you, it's my unfortunate duty to tell you that there is nothing you can do about it. People will touch you, on purpose and accident, for the rest of your life.

Accidental touches will happen. The only way that I know how to avoid these kinds of touches is to never go out. I haven't yet figured out how to do this. I have to go to work and go grocery shopping and I like to see the occasional motion picture and the picture house. I hope you understand that accidents happen and there's nothing you can do about it.

Unfortunately, on purpose touching by others will continue to happen, too, and there's nothing you can do about it because most people don't understand and touching COMFORTS them. They don't get a pain in their stomach when a hand is rested on their shoulder. They don't get an ache and prickles that can last for hours in the place where the hand was rested. For them the touching feels good.

When I was a kid, probably around your age, I got up to courage to tell my extended family that I didn't like being touched and asked them not to hug me anymore. For the months orI was ambushed with hugs by the people who were supposed to love me and care about my feelings the most. They thought it was hilarious. When I confronted them directly, they pretty much insisted I lied about not liking to be touched. Then, as I stood dumbfounded, I'd get hugged again. Eventually, because I stopped reacting, they stopped all the extra hugging and touching and went back to the normal amount. It was more than I wanted, but better.

A lot of people on the forum suggested that you tell a teacher or the principal. I don't think that would help.

Have you, or a friend, ever told a teacher that you were being bullied? And then the teacher talks to the bully and tells the bully that you, or your friend, told them that you were being bullied by the bully? And then the bullying gets worse? Yeah. What's going to happen if the teacher tells your class that you don't like being touched is that you're going to get touched more and, as long as it doesn't get violent, there's nothing that the teacher can do except remind the class that you don't like being touched. That doesn't help.

Maybe telling a teacher could help is the teacher is touchy-feely or has the class do massage circles. Maybe they'll stop calling for massage circles or allow you to sit out without drawing extra attention to it. Maybe.

Friends are an interesting case if you tell them. Some will treat it as a joke and will touch you more for a while. Some will understand and do their best not to touch you and if they do they will apologize. However, this will only last for a month or two at most and then they'll forget and the casual touching will start again.

And it doesn't stop once you get out of school either.

I have a coworker. I've worked with her for years. She's very kind person, with some horrible politics, but she's kind. She's also a toucher. As she moves past me, she'll put her hand on my back. When she comes up behind me to ask me a question while I'm sitting at my desk or checking my mailbox, her hand is on my shoulder. Every time.

I've told her that I don't like being touched, more than once, and she sort of stops for a while. But the touching comes back because, as she's told me, to her touching is REASSURING and COMFORTING. She's heard me when I say I don't like being touched, but I don't think she really believes me and I know she doesn't understand.

The one thing I haven't tried is just freaking out on people. I don't like making people uncomfortable. I hold in my desire to to let out a big reaction until I'm alone and let it out then. Maybe freaking out on them when they touch you is the answer. Maybe it'll get the message across and people will stop touching you. Maybe it'll get you sent to the principal's office in a conference with your parents. Who knows?

Who knows?

I know it's not the answer you expected and I'm sure it's not the answer you wanted, but it's my experience.

Good luck and be well.

ticknart

A Little Annoyed

 I watched The Fault in Our Stars this evening. I read the book, years ago, because emotionally I'm always a 15 year old girl, and remembered most of the details.

Anyway, spoilers for an 11 year old movie, there are two moments that bothered me:

1. When Isaac introduces himself he says he has a glass eye. The shot is close enough to then show both eyes moving with the exact same dexterity. Uh, not. That's not how it works. Sorry.
2. Near the end, while Gus is dying and in a wheelchair, for many scenes, he's still wearing his artificial leg. I mean, it's possible that he might continue to wear it, but it's unlikely that he'd wear it when he felt so tired and awful. It just bothered me.

Otherwise, the movie's fine. The acting is pretty good and the well deserved vitriol toward Van Houten works really well.

Stars granted.

Captain Janeway

So, I'm watching the Star Trek: Voyager documentary, To the Journey: Looking Back At Start Trek: Voyager, and I had to pause to get a thought out. It's a thought I had before, but didn't share.

Kate Mulgrew was not the first Captain Janeway. Geneviève Bujold was the first Captain Janeway.

For the most part, I adore Kate Mulgrew's Janeway. She is the cool aunt who knows everything about anything and will tell you bawdy stories and sneak you sips of wine. She loves you unconditionally and will run into a fire to pull you out.

Geneviève Bujold, from the few scenes that I've watched, was not like this. Her Janeway was more like the quiet, stunningly beautiful librarian. She saw you and respected you and wanted you to achieve greatness, but she lets you succeed and fail on your own merits. She might not jump in if she sees you having a problem, but if you ask, she will help you to the best of her ability and you will be all the better for it.

It's interesting to think what Voyager could have been if Geneviève Bujold could have handled the schedule. I don't know if it would have been better, but it would have been spectacular, in a very different way.

Hot Take?

To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Numar is an important movie.

It's definitely not a great movie. I'm not even sure that it's a good movie. It's an important movie, though.

Back when it was first released, I was in high school. There was only one actual city in the county I grew up in and that city had less than 5,000 people. Hell, the whole county, all 2,000 some odd square miles of it, only had about 50,000 people. Yeah, I grew up rural and it's pretty darn redneck, with the little good and lotta bad that brings with it. But...

To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar played in the local movie theater.

I got to watch a story about three drag queens traveling across the USA and being loved by a small town in middle America.

I got to watch this movie with my friends surrounded by a surprisingly large number of hetero couples who seemed to be enjoying themselves.

If I remember correctly, the movie was even #1 at the box office for a week or two. The movie wasn't just watched by New Yorkers and San Franciscans, you know.

Sure, there were better movies along similar themes that came out around the same time. Jeffrey and The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert come to mind right away. I still find Jeffrey delightful and Priscilla is wonderfully heartwarming/breaking. Unfortunately, both movies did not play at my movie theater. The nearest independent theater would have been over two hours away and, at the time, I didn't even know it existed. I knew these movies existed, but I couldn't see them. I did see To Wong Foo, though.

(Funny that, with only one exception I know of, the three movies I mention all starred cis, hetero men. But it was the '90s and, as the song says, you take the good, you take the bad.)

How many weird kids with the weird friends who were trying to figure themselves out got to watch this movie and, maybe, see a bit of themselves up on the screen?

Yeah, it may not be a good movie, but I think it's an important one.

Oh, and if you haven't seen any of these movies, but want to, please be aware that the language and some of the ideas are very much of their time. There's a good chance that parts will make you uncomfortable. 30 years of (some) positive growth will do that to a culture.