I will never be invited to host Saturday Night Live.
That being said, if I were to be invited I know what my monologue would be:
I'd go out on stage and say how wonderful it is hosting for my 5th time. I'd carry with me a threadbare, button down, Mr. Roger's style sweater with a crappy, cut-out paper "5" pinned to it. An "audience" member insists that I haven't hosted 5 times and we argue. In the end, I'd ignore the "audience" member and start demanding that Candice Bergen and Danny DeVito come out to invite me to the Five Timers Lounge. Finally, Lorne Michaels or a cast member comes out and says no one's coming and makes me understand that it's my first time hosting. I'd fall to my knees in tears and say, "We have a great show tonight..."
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