Yes, I'm taking someone else's pain and making it about me in a passive aggressive way, but it's been a while.

Just once, after giving someone physical comfort, and I don't mean right after, but days or even a couple of weeks later, I'd like for a person to come to me and say, "Thank you for that hug and holding me while I was upset. I understand that you don't like touching or being touched by people and the fact that you did it for me while it caused you discomfort shows that you are not the cold, unfeeling person that you can appear to be. Thank you."

It doesn't have to be those exact words, but it would be nice to have it acknowledged that while I was giving a person the physical comfort they desired I was physically, emotionally, and mentally uncomfortable because of the touching. It had nothing to do with the sniffling or the awkward way they reached out for me. The touching.

Back Off, Kitty!

How do you explain to your cat (or dog or whatever pet lives with you) that today you just can't handle touching her or being touched by her?

I mean, when I've tried to explain this to human adults who speak my language and they don't understand and/or they get angry at me.

CBT

Why do psychiatrists always insist on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy after a thirty minute meeting?

I HATE Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. HATE IT!

It's like being given hours of homework for the subject you hate most.

Assignment 1: Do something you hate doing it.

(After Assignment 1: Feel bad about myself.)

Assignment 2: Do something else you hate doing.

(After Assignment 2: Feel bad about myself.)

Theory: Do the things you hate doing over and over and you'll rewire your brain and you'll enjoy it.

FUCK YOU!

The Blurb

I learned the my nephew is my nephew this Sunday because he is starring in a play and used a traditionally masculine name for himself and he/him pronouns in his blurb. It was an unexpected thing to see. (Honestly, I thought he was more likely on a non-binary track.)

Yesterday, I sent him a text letting him know that I saw it and that I want to do everything I can to make him feel safe. (I also preemptively apologized for my future mistakes, because 15 years of habit will not disappear overnight.)

Here's the thing that bothers me, though: During and after the play, my brother, his father, and my parents, who spend far more time with him that I do, all used his birth name and feminine pronouns. Did none of them know? Did none of the see the blurb?

*sigh*

Part of me envies my nephew. I didn't even know the word for my sexuality until I was nearly 30 and didn't understand that it was who I was for another 5+ years.

Part of me is scared for my nephew because we live in a rural area and people who are awful about things like this are more aggressive in these times.

Lost in Location

 It's very rare for me to see a TV show or movie that takes place somewhere that I've spent a large amount of time.

That said, I'm watching Sacramento and been really bothered by some of the geographic choices.

Like the guys driving from LA to Sacramento and for some reason there's a brief point when they're on a two lane road with no building in site. Unless you're pulling off because you're desperate to go to the bathroom, there's no reason to leave the highway on that drive.

Also, they cross the Tower Bridge twice and it seems that both times are coming from West Sacramento into Sacramento. Once, it even suggests that they got of I-5 on to the bridge. There ain't no exit from 5 to the bridge.

Then, they're at Joe's Crab Shack in Oldtown, when they throw the "ashes" into the river, and then go to breakfast. I assume they'd go somewhere close, which is all of downtown and midtown. (It's not that big compared to other cities with a downtown and midtown.) It's Sunday and the road is completely empty. I'm not just talking traffic, but no one is parked on the street. Let me tell you, any place with a decent breakfast in that area, on a Sunday, wouldn't have parking for blocks. It must have been a really shitty diner.

While it didn't ruin the movie for me, it did take me out of the story.

Is it like this all the time for people who live in New York or LA or, London, or Paris?

I'm sorry, if it is. I don't like this feeling.

3 On a Scale of 10

 So, it's official: I'm on the autism spectrum.

I found out yesterday morning. I still don't know what I think/how I feel about this information.

It seem, though, that I was never/am never going to be able to be who/how I wanted. That makes me feel sad/hopeless, at the moment. Not because of what I am, but because of what I can't/couldn't be.

Processing will continue. I have to screw my courage to the sticking place and read the full report. Probably won't happen for a few days, though.

FOOOOOOD!

So, one great thing about being a BIG city for a while is the variety of foods.

Except for breakfast, which comes with the hotel stay, I've only eaten food that I can't get at home. (Things in the cold case at the supermarket don't count.)

I don't often eat out and the variety is so much fun.

One more full day surrounded by too much humanity.

Here's to delicious survival.