Christmas Songs

Because imitation is the simplest form of flattery, I'm stealing Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg's form for writing his Ratings to write about a few songs that are heard at Christmas time, so here I go:

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Well, I wonder what this song's gonna be about? A snowman? Santa? Maybe Nancy the Christmas Cow? No, the title tells us all we need to know, doesn't it. And what do we find out? The little guy is made fun of by the popular deer because his nose glows, because he's different. But when the guy in charge of the populars needs a glowing nose he makes the weird one popular and suddenly Rudolph's a hero, isn't that what life's really about? So, this song teaches people that the guy in charge of the populars can change the group structure on a whim. However, the song did have a decent special made with Burl Ives singing so I can forgive the message, somewhat. C+

Winter Wonderland

There's something magical about snow, isn't there? Okay, not really, but for some reason it's always associated with Christmas. This song has no mention about Christmas, but you don't hear it being sung after the New Year, do you? Winter lasts until March 21st people and snow can last a lot longer, depending on where you live, but still this is a Christmas song. It's a fun song, thought. We have a snowman marrying kids and then one being a clown which is destroyed by kids, good winter fun. We also have people conspiring by the fire, which helps feed my paranoia, although for years I used to think they were perspiring by the fire, which makes sense. My only real problem with this song is that the opening lines get cut out of almost every version I've heard. If the opening's missing B+ If it's there A-

Santa Baby

Christmas time sluts! Now there's fun for the whole family. Okay, so there's now lyrics that suggest that the girl wants to screw Santa for better gifts, but every version I heard is sung in that coy voice that sure implies that sex for better gifts may happen. And then there are the gifts she wants, talk about greed. I want a sable, a convertible, a yacht, a diamond mine. Come on, the only way she's getting those is if Santa's gettin' a little sumpin' sumpin', ya know? B-

It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

Oh... My... God. This... song... is... so... boring. So... slow. I... can't... take... it. Five... or... six... verses... that... just... go... on... forever... and... ever. Does... this... song... have... an... end? The... religious... theme... of... the... song... doesn't... bother... me..., in... fact... I... enjoy... most... of... the... overly... religious... songs..., especially... when... sung... by... Simon... and... Garfunkle... (two guys doing a three part harmony, amazing), but... I... kinda... like... those... songs. I... know... when... it... came. I... know... what... the... night... was... like. I... want... the... rest... of... the... story..., but... I... don't... want... it... to... take... thirty... minutes. D

The Night Santa Went Crazy

Ah, Weird Al knows how to work the spirit of the season to his advantage. This song, for those who haven't heard it, tells the story of Santa's madness for handing out gifts turned to rage and hatred and he takes it out on his crew at The North Pole. Almost every reindeer has a grisly death. Mrs. Claus is gonna make millions. The elves now work for the post office. And Virginia knows the real truth about Santa. Ah, the wonders of Christmas never cease to amaze me. A-