Horrible Horror

I am a coward.

Anyone who knows me well should know that.

I rarely take risks.

I do my best not to stand out.

I fear confrontation.

I wrote that to help to explain the rest of this.

This evening/morning, I told my only teacher that I'm dropping one of his classes and had to see him look really disappointed. It was a look like he wasn't sure if he should feel like he was the failure or if I was. I had no idea how to answer that question, so I looked away.

I told him, quite honestly, that the reasons I had for leaving the class were the group I was placed in and my lack of knowledge.

I have had only one good experience working in a group in my whole life. Only one, out of more than I want to count. In every other group, I've had to do more than the fair share of the work. Maybe that's not true, but it sure felt like it. The group that I was put in was going to be one of these. They're going to be much concept, little production. They're aiming for perfect and don't want to hear that perfect can not be reached in nine weeks. One of the guys in the group think that because he's been working with the program the longest, he should be able to make all the decisions and really hates it when someone pokes holes in his ideas. (That was me, for those who need to know.)

And then there's the fact that I only know how to model objects and take pictures of still lifes. Supposedly, the class is designed to allow people who have no skill with the program, but I don't think it's practical. If I can't help with the animation of the character, objects, lights, and camera, I feel like I'm wasting my time. What's the point? What will I learn? The teacher suggested learning from osmosis, but not from the guy who wants to be in charge. He has no interest in teaching, only in doing. Too many times tonight I heard him mutter, "That's another thing that I'm gonna have to do." As if he has no choice in the matter. As if we don't want to learn. So, I don't think this class is the right environment for me to be in to learn anything.

So I told him this and he seemed disappointed. I assured him that I'm sticking with the character animation class. There's a lot for me to learn in there. Maybe, if I'm still in Cow City, I'll give this class a chance the next time it's offered.

He didn't seem any happier. He told me that I'm a creative guy and that I do really well with the modeling and that's always useful. He told me that I'd be welcome to come back if I wanted to in a week and he wouldn't hold it against me (which means he'd waive his absence policy for me and not lower my grade).

I said thanks, but I don't think that's going to happen and that I'd see him on Tuesday. Then I walked away.

What I didn't tell him was that when I registered for classes, I didn't think I should take this class. Not because of the late hour, but because I don't feel ready. If I can't pull my weight, what's the point of being there? Way back in November, I knew I shouldn't take it. I shouldn't have even signed up. And if I hadn't then I wouldn't be such a disappointment.