It’s Been Awhile

The short: lithium poisoning.

It's a interesting experience to be sent to the emergency room, get interviewed by the check-in nurse, then be pushed to the front of the line, in front of people with their arms wrapped in bloody dishtowels, because your brain isn't working properly.

But the poisoning isn't what I'm here to write about.

In my ongoing attempt to correct my brain problems, I spent seven weeks doing TMS. Five days a week I had an electromagnet put to my for up to 20 minutes. Once a week, I met with two doctors who run the clinic, but weren't actually at the clinic because their main office is in another city, to check my progress. When it was becoming clear the I had no progress, the doctors started bringing up possibilities for what is causing my brain problem. After discussion, one of the doctors asked me if I am autistic.

This caught me off-guard.

To the best of my knowledge, autism is not a cause of major depressive disorder. Autism does not cause a person to wake up just as exhausted as you were when you went to sleep. Autism does not cause you to sleep more than 12+ hours a night, if you don't have an alarm to wake you up. Again, to the best of my knowledge. These are the things that I was hoping TMS would help fix.

And yet, it stuck with me because I have... tendencies.

Last year, I brought up autism to a psychiatrist, and he blew it off completely.

Having it brought up to me by a doctor, though, that's different. That's an external source, listening to me describe myself, and coming to a conclusion that maybe I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum in a way that affects my life.

I took several online tests for adults to see if I may fall somewhere on the spectrum. All of the, every one I've taken, say that it's quite possible that I am on the spectrum. Every. Single. One.

So, what next?

Based on the research I've done, diagnosis will cost me $4500-$8500. That's not counting travel and hotels, because nothing is local. Sure, everyone offers video conferencing for the testing, but I can't be myself, for better or worse, on a video call. When I'm on a video call for more than 90 seconds my brain starts shouting at me to get off as soon as possible; I'm the same way on a phone call, get off as soon as possible. So, if I am going to do this, I need to be able to do this in person.

If I do it at all.

Because, honestly, what good would an autism diagnosis do me?

Sure, there's that simple elation of getting a diagnosis. That moment of feeling not alone. But what's next?

I'm not suddenly going to want to join a community and make friends. My depression won't go away because I have a label. I won't feel again. I won't be able to stop masking. I still won't be whole.

But... knowing would be a good thing. Knowing more about myself, understanding myself better, would be good.

While I'm pretty sure that I fall somewhere on the spectrum, I don't know if I'd even be able to get a diagnosis because, based on my research, for diagnosing adults they want to speak with someone who was an adult when you were a kid so that they can get an idea of who you were back then because, again according to my research, an individual on the spectrum couldn't know how to mask when they were young. And I don't think I can trust my parent's to give an honest account of how I was when I was younger.

When I've brought up the idea of getting a diagnosis to them, my dad is indifferent. He says that if I'm autistic then I'm high functioning, his words, and it shouldn't matter because I live a life. Also, I don't know how much my dad actually saw me as a kid. I think, to him, I was a bit of a mystery: a kid who wasn't a kid the way he thought kids should be. My mother, on the other hand, seemed offended at me even considering that I might fall on the spectrum. She worked with autistic kids when she was an aide at an elementary school. Not the worst of the worst, but pretty bad. Kids that really couldn't function if they didn't have a constant guiding hand and I did not need that kind of help growing up. There are no other people, who were adults when I was a kid, who I spent significant time with. My parent's are my only option.

Am I willing to shell out up to $8500 to have my parents possibly derail the process? I've read too many stories online about someone who had their diagnosis process stop after the adult person was interviewed. To not even get the chance to describe yourself would be terrible. More than disappointing. Legitimately terrible.

****************

I don’t know if I’ll be writing again. I want to, but I just don’t know.

Be well.

Sitting

Have you ever gone to sleep and woken up the next morning and felt like you never slept, but you only remember getting up to pee once during the night?

Has it ever happened to you for five+ years?

It's why I'm sitting on my bed at 6:15 about to put my CPAP mask on. It won't help, though.

Dear Nobody

I am not well.

I am always tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Always tired.

The worst is mentally.

Long ago, I used to be able to read a couple of novels each week. Now I struggle to read one a month, if at all. I can only read three or four comic books in an hour. The less words and pictures there are, the faster I can read it, but I still can't read quickly.

I'm also way, way fatter than I've ever been in my life. I've always been fat (I remember when I was seven or eight being taken for a blood test to check my thyroid. I sat next to my Dad, waiting, and asked him what was going on and he explained to me that we were going to see if my thyroid was working right because it could explain why I was overweight.), but never like this. Never.

I sleep and don't feel better.

Yesterday I woke up. I did my laundry. I went back to bed. I woke up seven hours later. I ate dinner. I went back to bed.

I'm concerned about this.

I've been trying, for nearly two years, to get better.

I got a CPAP machine for sleep apnea. It hasn't worked. I keep using it, though, because when I have forgotten it on trips, my sleep is constantly interrupted. I don't wake any more rested.

Now I'm working on medication adjustment. Hoping that something will help. Hoping that a tweak will give me just a smidgeon of energy back and I'll be better able to move forward.

My doctors' don't seem so concerned about my concern, though.

They are more worried about the fleeting thoughts I have of killing myself. Fleeting because it just crosses my mind briefly a couple of times a day. No dwelling. No planning. Just a swish across my thoughts.

I keep trying to convince them that more energy would help with those thoughts. More energy would allow me to move forward with things. Work on hobbies. Write. Find healthy distractions. Be able to make decisions. Be able to think clearly.

My thinking is fuzzy. Especially after work. I put so much of my brain power into doing my job well that I have very little when the day is done. My focus isn't strong at the beginning of the day. It's pretty much non-existent at the end.

And there's no one who isn't a brain specialist who I feel like I can talk to about this.

I don't have friends. And even if I did, I wouldn't want to burden them.

Which leaves my family.

One of my brothers has cancer in his brain and it regrew earlier this year. He had surgery in May or June. He's been out of state getting radiation treatment since the end of July. He has burns on his face and is losing his hair. When he gets back, he may be back on chemo, again.

My mother is focused on my brother, his wife, and the grandkids. It's her way of coping. But it seems to make it hard for her to be elsewhere. And it makes her feel guilty that she's not doing more for others while she feels guilty for not being able to do more for my brother and his family.

My father doesn't understand because he's never been through something like this. Without first hand knowledge, he has a hard time being able to grasp the situation. In the past, I've been able to find a starting point he knows and then help him use that to lead him down a path that helps him understand. I don't have the brain power to do that right now, though.

My other brother live a long way a way. He's an Md. To be a bit cruel, I don't need anymore clinical bullshit. I don't need to hear statistics and about studies and blah blah blah. He might not do this, but he might, and I get it enough from the people I pay for help. Also, he has a family that he doesn't see enough and shouldn't be burdened with my crap.

So, that leave me. Me sitting in a shirt and underwear watching TV and clicking around the internets and playing mindless computer games. Sitting, trying not to think about being stuck. Trying not to think about faltering and sliding back into the worst. Being petrified of making decisions. Being scared of being who I am. Being scared of being who I may be. Being scared of being.

Theory

I'm in episode 14 of Attack on Titan. My guess is that the titans were created by humanity. Perhaps created to be a shared threat for humanity to unite behind. It may have been a virus released into the population that transformed a number of people and killed even more. The survivors were immune. That would explain how so few humans survived. Books from before the titans still exist, so chances are good that Eren's dad had seen some. (Perhaps through a benovolent secret organization.) What was learned in the book helped to recreate parts of the knowledge and gave Eren a form of the virus that allows him to become a titan and remain human at the same time.

I guess I'll see as I continue to watch.

To Sleep Perchance

When I'm feeling down in the dumps, like the air itself is trying to crush me, I tend to stay up later than I should. That is to say, tonight.

It's an illogical way to put off facing tomorrow for as long as possible. Unfortunately it also makes tomorrow harder because I'm tired.

Unfollowed

Except for my mother, sisters-in-law, and brothers are no longer being followed on Face-A-Gram. I didn't unfriend them. I simply can't see any more of their announcements.

I did this last night.

It's been weird looking at my feed today and seeing the same thing all day long.

I'm still following those few because I'm a good son and I want to see the posted pictures of my nieces and nephew. (Even though I'm uncomfortable with their parents posting pictures of their children because their children have no say in their own privacy.)

People from work keep asking me for friend requests and so do acquaintances I know through my job and people I know and I finally said "screw it" and added them. I just don't want to read their bullshit. I don't care about their kids and grandkids beyond the fact that I care about humankind in general.

There are a few people that I'll miss looking at and I may follow them in the future, but fuck it, for now. We haven't really be friends in a long time. I haven't seen them in five and a half years and I'm exhausted.

Just exhausted.

Two Things Before Bed

1. I keep thinking about a pie made with apple and brie. Crunch top. But does the brie go under the apple or over?
2. The longer I've been on Facebook, the more disturbed I get at parents, grandparents, and other peoples posting pictures of children. There's no real consent. Even if the child wants something posted or was asked, he/she can't really grasp what having that picture posted can mean now and in the future. Not only are kids going to dig up drunken pictures of their parents to try to use in hypocrisy debates, but they're also going to find their childhood, happy times and breakdowns, posted for the world to see. It doesn't seem right to me.

Dear Evan Hansen

Dear Evan Hansen got out about 45 minutes ago. I've been listening to the soundtrack, off and on, for the past year.

The play was excellent. I highly recommend those with the means to see it. However, there are a few elements that I found harder to deal with on the stage than simply listening to the songs.

The play's about a socially awkward and depressed high school senior who tries to do a good thing for a family after their son kills himself and they find a letter addressed to Evan Hansen in the son's pocket. Evan tries to tell them he wrote the letter to himself, but the parent's, in their grief, can't hear what Evan's saying. Evan let's them believe what they want at first, but soon starts actively lying to them because he wants to help and knows that the truth will only hurt the family. And that's what really rubbed me the wrong way. The lying.

I knew from the soundtrack that Evan lied, but it was easier to handle in songs because that's all it was: songs. On stage I saw Evan continuing the lies and adding to them every time he spoke to the family. He dug himself deeper into the lie-pit and the jumped in after. He liked making them feel better and he liked spending time with a "normal" family.

The family not only ate up the lies, but they began actively changing their memories of the dead boy to fit what THEY WANTED him to be. The sister says that her brother pounded on her door saying he wanted to kill her. (This info is not in a song.) Then she sings about how awful he was to her and how she will not sing a requiem for him. She knew he was a monster and didn't want the new information to paint him in a better light. She does read it, though, and begins to forgive the heinous things he did and, maybe, even forget them.

The lie gets spread to the school and then the rest of the world, to the point that our main characters defraud the public out of $50,000 on a Kickstarter campaign. (Yes, the farm gets refurbished and whatnot, but it's still based on a lie and is therefore fraud.)

When the truth comes our the family hate Evan and never want to see him again, but in the end they admit that they are better for Evan's lies. Evan is punished by his girlfriend, the sister, breaking up with him. Even then there's still room for them to be friends, we learn in the end.

I did enjoy the show. I enjoyed it a lot. This just stuck in my craw during the play and after because, ultimately, the play isn't about the lie. It's about isolation and loneliness and family and kids and parents and depression. And all of that is lovely and sad and hopeful.

Recognition

I'm watching Dear White People and the character Lionel makes me ache. My head. My heart. My stomach. I see so much of me in that character. Except for, you know, the talent and ambition and courage. His episodes have easily been the best.

Sorting Hat Quizes

Why is it that every sorting hat quiz that I take puts me in Ravenclaw, the house I'd prefer to be in, except for the one at Pottermore?

I keep getting Gryffindor and I would make a lousy Gryffindor. No one who would stand by watching a first year get wedgied and then feel guilty about it should be put in Gryffindor.

A Thought

I had a thought yesterday:

What if there were a sentient alphabet?

An alphabet that worked to make people understand how to read it and forced them to use it?

An alphabet that reproduces by people writing with it so others would use the same alphabet?

An alphabet whose very twists and edges to had meaning we couldn't understand, but changed how we think?

If there is such an alphabet, could we know?

Old Movie

I'm sitting in a theater waiting for them to start playing South Pacific. You know, the musical by Hammerstein and Rogers.

The weirdest thing is their playing disembodied audience sounds. Mumble, mumble, mumble.

It's disconcerting.

Normally, by now, my phone would be off and I'd be reading the book that's in my lap. This theater is way too dark. It's at the level that most movie theaters use after the previews start; dark enough to see the film on the screen, but bright enough to easily see the aisles and seats.

I know. Have you ever had your eyes dialated at the optometrist? It's at that level. Very uncomfortable, for me. I'm here by myself and I'm not going to ask a stranger, so I don't know if others find it as uncomfortable as I do.

The mumbles are strange. Constant. Part of me wonders if this is what He'll could be like. Unseen people having conversations around you, but you can't make out any words. Just sounds with enough structure to let you know it is language, but nothing distinct enough to be language. Listening to conversations in a language you don't speak would be easier on the brain because you would be able to make out individual words and sentences.

Lots 'O Questions

I think I answer these series of questions to keep myself honest to myself about me.

1: Full name
I'm not going to actually give my full name, but I'll let you work it out for yourself:
Jehovah is generous
Yogurt brand
Son of the stuff in ponds
2: Age
The first six prime numbers minus the first prime number
3: 3 Fears
That all the bad stuff I think about myself is true. Roaming packs of people. The possibility of an after life.
4: 3 things I love
I'm loathe to answer questions about this when people, including myself, say they love a movie or a hamburger. Does that really compare with love for family or a spouse or your friends? It also doesn't help that I don't know if I really experience this emotion anymore or if I ever did at all. I care for my family and want them to be well, but is that love? There are people who I've like being near because I felt comfort and at ease, but is that love? Dictionaries define love as feeling deep affection or feeling romantic or sexual attachment. Does that mean love is a feeling of other feelings? I know that I'm totally overthinking this silly question, but when confronted with "What do you love?" my mind's a blank. Nothing. I love nothing. Maybe that's why all the rationalization.
5: 4 turns on
Wit, Intelligence, Enthuse, Eyes (Which is strange because I don't like looking at eyes when eyes are looking back at me.)
6: 4 turns off
Willful Ignorance, Hate, Dismissiveness, Poop
7: My best friend
None of the above
8: Sexual orientation
Asexual and I think I'm becoming more biromatic as I get older. Hooray for fluidity!
9: My best first date
I have never had a good first date and I'd rather not choose best out of bad.
10: How tall am I
About 175 CM
11: What do I miss
Being able to fully trust.
12: What time were I born
About 10:30ish AM.
13: Favourite color
Blue
14: Do I have a crush
Like an orange soda? No. Like on a person I know? No. Like on a celebrity? No.
15: Favourite quote
I've been thinking about this one recently because I'm going there later this week: "The coldest winter I ever saw was the summer I spent in San Francisco." It's attributed to Mark Twain, but there's no actual evidence that it was his.
16: Favourite place
I haven't been there yet.
17: Favourite food
18: Do I use sarcasm
This question seems like a set-up to be sarcastic, but it's hard to hear the inflection in my voice when it's written on the page.
19: What am I listening to right now
The sounds of my office
20: First thing I notice in new person
That really depends on how I meet the person. If I'm looking down when I meet them, usually their shoes. If I'm working, usually their voice. If I'm introduced to them by someone then their hands because almost everyone wants to shake hands or, great celery god forbid, hug and I watch their hands to figure out their move.
21: Shoe size
Honest answer is that I don't know because it depends on how wide the shoes are. I have fat feet, which can add a lot of lenght to a shoe if the shoe is very narrow. I start with American size 9 most often.
22: Eye color
Greenish
23: Hair color
Brownish with some red mixed in.
24: Favourite style of clothing
T-shirt and underwear
25: Ever done a prank call?
Not that I remember.
27: Meaning behind my URL
The handle I choose for myself more than 20 years ago based on my favorite superhero duo
28: Favourite movie
I don't have a single favorite movie. I saw 2001: A Space Odyssey on the big screen for the first time and it blew my mind, again. Fantasia is still the most exciting and interesting animated feature I've seen. Superman: The Movie makes me feel like a kid, lost in wonder. Please Stand By hit me in all the feels and the feels well up when I think about the movie. Young Frankenstein may be the funniest movie of all time (unless it's The Producers or maybe Blazing Saddles). The Pirate Movie is the best bad movie/musical ever made. What do you want from me? There's too much good stuff to just have one favorite anything.
29: Favourite song
I can't even choose a favorite Beatles song. How could I choose one song from all the music I've every heard and enjoyed.
30: Favourite band
They Might Be Giants, Barenaked Ladies, "Weird" Al, Amanda Palmer. I've sort of limited to this to people currently making music. I mean, I mentioned The Beatles above and all.
31: How I feel right now
Hungry. It's lunch time.
32: Someone I love
Nope
33: My current relationship status
Single. I assume this is about romantic relationships and not my relationship to co-worker, or the homeless guys by the creek, or the stray cats by my apartments, or with television. Wow, there sure are a lot of different types of relationships.
34: My relationship with my parents
As a grown child
35: Favourite holiday
Easter, but that'll probably change from here on out.
36: Tattoos and piercing i have
None
37: Tattoos and piercing i want
Sometimes I like the idea of the Chinese symbol for penis on my inside left wrist and vagina on right. It's a set. I'd have to get both.
38: The reason I joined Tumblr
Sorry, this isn't tumblr
39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?
I have no "ex"
40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?
No
41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?
Well, it was my mother, so yeah.
42: When did I last hold hands?
I hold my hands at night as I fall asleep.
43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?
If I rush, 10 minutes.
44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?
No
45: Where am I right now?
Work
46: If I were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?
Me
47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?
Reasonable level to soft.
48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?
Not at the moment
49: Am I excited for anything?
No
50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?
No
51: How often do I wear a fake smile?
Most of the time.
52: When was the last time I hugged someone?
Saturday, probably. I saw my parents and brother. I try not to hug if I can help it and try to forget it if I do.
53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?
Meh
54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?
I don't feel like I really TRUST anyone. At least when it's important.
55: What is something I disliked about today?
Work
56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
On this Earth, like still alive? Maybe Mel Brooks? Although, "don't meet your heroes" seems to be a pretty good rule.
57: What do I think about most?
Pop culture.
58: What’s my strangest talent?
First I'd have to have a talent.
59: Do I have any strange phobias?
Not that I've come across, but the future is wide open.
60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
Behind. Like waaaaaaay behind.
61: What was the last lie I told?
That I am having a good day.
62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
Crisco! Neither. I prefer my communication like during the California Gold Rush: every couple of months when I go into town for groceries.
63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
I believe in the possibility of ghost, but am doubtful of their existence. I think the universe would be full of wasted space (HA, pun) if there aren't other beings out there.
64: Do I believe in magic?
I've seen Penn and Teller on TV.
65: Do I believe in luck?
When I think about it, I'm not exactly sure what luck is. Is it lucky that a person is born into a rich family when their parent's were trying to have kids or is it biology? Is it lucky that I wasn't seriously injured when the police car ran over my toe or was it me having awareness enough to stop walking? Is finding a penny on the street lucky or is it someone being careless? I guess not.
66: What’s the weather like right now?
Clear and warm. Not nearly as hot as late August days normally are for this part of the world.
67: What was the last book I’ve read?
Dragon Wing
68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?
My, no.
69: Do I have any nicknames?
Technically the name I go by is a nickname because it's the shortened version of my full name.
70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?
Probably road burn from riding my bicycle down a too steep hill while wearing shorts.
71: Do I spend money or save it?
Both? I mean, I have rent and enjoy eating.
72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?
Nope.
73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?
I'm fairly pink.
74: Favourite animal?
Walruses, Sea Turtles, Cats (big and small)
75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?
Sleeping.
76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?
God
77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?
I've been so severely depressed in my life that there were times when no song could make me happy. So, there is no song that ALWAYS makes me happy.
78: How can you win my heart?
You can kill all the other competitors and cut through my breast bone, and finally remove my heart. Victory!
79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?
"Fuck Off!"
80: What is my favorite word?
Whampum is a great word to say.
81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr
That would require access to my tumblr account and I don't have access to that while I'm at work.
82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?
"Fuck Off!"
83: Do I have any relatives in jail?
To the best of my knowledge, no. However, if you believe that all mankind is related through a single ancestor, then I have lots of relatives in jail.
84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?
Safe teleportation over short and massive distances.
85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
What would make you feel better.
86: What is my current desktop picture?
The moon Titan.
87: Had sex?
Nope
88: Bought condoms?
Yup
89: Gotten pregnant?
That would be a miracle of science!
90: Failed a class?
No
91: Kissed a boy?
I've kissed family on the cheek.
92: Kissed a girl?
Yes, but no tongue.
93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?
No
94: Had job?
Currently, in fact.
95: Left the house without my wallet?
Yes, but I find it much worse to forget my keys. Especially if I locked the door on the way out.
96: Bullied someone on the internet?
No, but I used to troll an economics forum.
97: Had sex in public?
No. Not even with myself. I'm so repressed.
98: Played on a sports team?
When I was much younger.
99: Smoked weed?
I tell people I have, but I haven't. With the right story it keeps people from offering it to me when they want to go smoke.
100: Did drugs?
Like ibuprofen? Yes. Like meth? No.
101: Smoked cigarettes?
Yuck, not.
102: Drank alcohol?
Not really.
103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?
Never even seriously considered it.
104: Been overweight?
Since the day I was born.
105: Been underweight?
Not one day in my life.
106: Been to a wedding?
Too many.
107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?
Five hours is nothing!
108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?
Five hours is nothing!
109: Been outside my home country?
I've been just over the boarder to Mexico.
110: Gotten my heart broken?
No, but I fully expect my arteries to harden enough and get covered in plaque to have it broken, eventually.
111: Been to a professional sports game?
Yes.
112: Broken a bone?
Chicken, turkey, cow, pig, lamb. Never a human bone, though.
113: Cut myself?
Only on accident. Never on purpose.
114: Been to prom?
Did not go to prom.
115: Been in airplane?
Big and little ones.
116: Fly by helicopter?
I remember flying past a helicopter in one of the little airplanes I rode in.
117: What concerts have I been to?
"Weird" At, They Might Be Giants, The Dead Hensons, Australian Pink Floyd, The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, Amanda Palmer, others that I don't remember. Oh, Alanis Morissette. (There were these two hardcore guys sitting in front of me singing along with each song. They were so excited when she sang You Oughta Know.)
118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?
Briefly, but he had a girlfriend that I crushed on at the same time, too.
119: Learned another language?
I'm still trying to learn this one.
120: Wore make up?
Hasn't almost everyone in the USA worn makeup on Halloween?
121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?
It's too late for that. Also, 18 what?
122: Had oral sex?
No.
123: Dyed my hair?
Temporary dye.
124: Voted in a presidential election?
For many years now.
125: Rode in an ambulance?
"Ridden" in an ambulance, and no.
126: Had a surgery?
They pulled my tonsils out when I was eight years old.
127: Met someone famous?
Who decides who famous? Also, no.
128: Stalked someone on a social network?
I've looked for certain people on social media and it took me a long time, but I don't visit their stuff much after that.
129: Peed outside?
Many, many times.
130: Been fishing?
In a lake and along a river.
131: Helped with charity?
No, and sometimes I feel bad about that.
132: Been rejected by a crush?
You can't be rejected if you don't try. You don't try because there are plenty of things worse than a person saying no.
133: Broken a mirror?
Probably, but I can't remember any specific times.
134: What do I want for birthday?
Enough money so that I can live fairly comfortably and never have to work again.
135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?
I want zero kids. As for names, I always thought it would be funny to have a girl named Clara and a boy named Phil. Only for the joke, or course.
136: Was I named after anyone?
I mean, my name's been used for centuries, but I wasn't named after anyone specifically.
--OR--
Of course I was named after someone. A lot of someones. There are billions of years of history here on Earth.
137: Do I like my handwriting?
I like the way I write certain letters.
138: What was my favourite toy as a child?
If I were to go for the easy joke, I'd say my ding-a-ling.
139: Favourite Tv Show?
I'm excited that The Good Place will be back soon.
140: Where do I want to live when older?
A house I own.
141: Play any musical instrument?
I sort of played the saxophone in elementary school. I played the trumpet in high school. I learned to sort of play the piano in college. I can currently nail a few chords on my uke, but I can't strum the darned thing correctly.
142: One of my scars, how did I get it?
Whacked in the head with an oar.
143: Favourite pizza toping?
Just about anything is good on a pizza. I'm mostly always happy. Pepperoni is pretty safe for everyone. Or is the answer cheese. I don't like to eat pizza without cheese on it.
144: Am I afraid of the dark?
Only of stubbing my toe or banging my shin.
145: Am I afraid of heights?
I'm more afraid that the bridge I'm walking across will collapse, not so much how high up I am.
146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?
I don't do things that I bad. I was a boring teen and as I approach middle age I'll be boring at my mid-life crisis.
147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?
Yes. Hasn't everyone?
148: What I’m really bad at
Pooping while standing up.
149: What my greatest achievements are
I don't have enough self-esteem to thing I've had any good achievements, let alone great.
150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me
I don't remember. If someone says something mean to me, I usually say something even meaner back to them. Also, I'm much meaner to myself than anyone has ever been to me.
151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery
That really depends on how much I win. Can't even pay for a movie ticked if I only win $5.
152: What do I like about myself
Nothing much.
153: My closest Tumblr friend
I don't have any friends on tumblr. Barely have followers. I'm not good at being part of a community. (Or is that taking part in a community? Probably both.)
154: Something I fantasise about
Walking on the Moon and looking up at a crescent Earth.
155: Any question you’d like?
Well, this is silly since I'm not following the rules as originally posted.

Look, Another List of Questions

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth? strawberry lemonade iced tea (homemade)

2. Do you sleep naked? On occasion.

3.Worst physical pain? Probably when I was born. I imagine that was really painful.

4. Worst emotional pain in your life? I lost most of my emotions about 20 years ago. I'm slowly bringing them back. I think I'd like some serious emotional pain to prove I'm getting better.

5. Favorite place you’ve been to? A small beach just as the fog burns off.

6. How late did you stay up last night? 9:20 PMish

7. If you could move somewhere else, where would it be? The Moon.

8. Which of your Facebook friends lives the closest? Blarg. Who cares? I'm not even sure any of them are really friends.

9. When was the last time you cried? I was a senior in high school. So, around 21 years ago.

10. Who took your profile pic? I drew the one here, but I took a photo of the painting I use as my Facebook profile pic.

11. What's your favorite season? Winter.

12. If you could have any career what would it be? Eccentric Billionaire.

13. What was the last book you read? Dragon Wings, book one of the Deathgate Cycle, for the ninth or tenth time.

14. If you could talk to ANYONE right now, who would it be? My parents circa 1990.

15. Are you a good influence? I don't believe I am an influence.

16. Does pineapple belong on a pizza? Of course.

17. You have a remote, what channel will you be watching? Which has the best cartoon on right now.

18. 2 people who you think will play along? Does anyone check this blog semi-regularly?

19. Last concert you attended? Weird Al. It'll probably always be Weird Al

20. Favorite type of food? Is questions about way food is presented, i.e. sandwich, pizza, pie, etc.? Is it about the nation of origin, i.e. Thai, Mexican, Ethiopian, etc.? I like all kinds of foods and my favorites are usually what I'm cramming into my face at any given time.

Trickster

A fanfic story I wrote was listed as one of this person's favorites.

I'm flattered, but part of me feels like I tricked this person.

I know I didn't, but still.

The Humor of the Situation

Even with all the medication and seeing a brain whisperer every week, there's still a voice in my head that would like me to get rid of me. Probably the most dangerous part of that voice is that it's funny. And funny is seductive. And funny is comforting. And funny is insidious.

Y'know

I just want to feel good about being me for once. Is that too much to ask for?

He Lives with Chronic Depression

So, Wil Wheaton wrote a speech about living with depression and posted it to his blog. It's a good read and it's making rounds on Facebook. I hope it's actually read by lots of people, rather than just giving it a thumbs up. I hope that they take it to heart.

To me, the most important line of the whole speech, which I think most people will miss, because it's in the beginning of the speech, is this:

"When I tried to reach out to the adults in my life for help, they didn’t take me seriously."

I was a kid who fell into the depression well and when I tried to talk about it, I was ignored or blown off or told that I didn't really feel that way or that I'd get over it. I quickly learned not to bring it up anymore, not to bring up how I really felt at all. I learned to fake a smile. I learned to eliminate my feelings so that the well grew deeper. I learned the different signs that adults picked up on that made them think that something was wrong (guys growing their hair long, girls cutting their hair short, anyone dying their hair black or odd colors, dressing in too much black, the stink of not bathing enough) and made damn sure that I didn't do any of them because when those kids were talked to, it seemed to only be accusations from authority, no discussion. No understanding. And I didn't want to be hassled about something that they thought was somehow my fault. Even if these things were noticed by adults and taken as cries for help they were ignored. I did my best to hide everything. I kept my hair short. I made sure to shower. I kept my clothes in colors with a joke on the shirt, if I could.

No one would have seen how I felt inside on the outside because no adult would listen to me when I literally cried for help.

I hope that Mr. Wheaton's speech gets more adults to listen to children because usually a haircut is just a haircut and how do you know what it means unless you hear what's being said.

May the Fourth Be With You

It's Up

I finally put up the white board I bought month ago. It's being used for writing ideas. The first two columns are novel (pun sort of intended) ideas. The rest is fan fic stuff.

Here's to hoping it helps having things to cross off that I see every time I go to the fridge.