Something I'll Never Say To My Coworkers Ever Again

Yesterday, I was asked by a coworker, "When it's raining, like it is today, do you still walk to work?"

"Sure," I said. "I keep an umbrella in my bag all the time, just in case."

"Aren't you worried?"

"About what?"

"Getting hit by a car?"

"Nah," I said, smiling. "The only way a car is gonna hit me is if it hits a large puddle of water causing it to hydroplane out of control and once the wheels hit the pavement again it's pointing toward me and the idiot driver had slammed his foot onto the gas so it catches the road really well and bucks the car over the curb then races forward and slams me into a wall pinning me there where I whimper in the cold and rain as the driver fiddles with his cell phone and other cars slow down to see what happens, but don't stop to help. But I don't see that happening."

She looked at me like I had just died and walked away.

The rest of the day I had lots of coworkers take me aside and ask if everything was okay in that calm voice that is supposed to make them sound like they care about me and my state of being.

And that, dear peoples, is why I try not to say anything at work. Especially things that I think are funny.