Interview

A while ago, I conducted and interview with myself. Today, I did it again.

JtI: So, how are things?

JtA: Things are... okay, I guess.

JtI: And work?

JtA: Boring as… well, I don't think I've ever experienced anything as boring as this job, except for maybe my World Cultures class in high school and Geometry and Algebra II and Economics and lots of other things that I didn't choose to do but was stuck doing.

JtI: Isn't boring what you expected when you took the job?

JtA: Sort of. See, I was expecting the work that I do to be very repetitive, but I also expected that I'd be kept busy by the work. I thought that there'd be so much work that I wouldn't have to stop doing it. I thought that no matter how much I completed today there'd be more for me to do tomorrow. I never expected that I'd only be given enough work to, while working at my regular speed, fill two out of my eight hour work day. If I slow down, I can usually stretch my work to fill three or four hours total. Any slower than that and I'm reading crap on the internet more than actually working, which is actually how I spend most of my work day.

JtI: Then why are you working there?

JtA: The money and benefits. To pay off my student loans, mostly. And my credit card.

JtI: And after your loans are paid off?

JtA: To buy some land somewhere and build a decent house on. I'm so sick that I actually drew up a floor plan for the kitchen. I want one of those gas stoves with a big sheet of iron in the middle that can be a skillet and then flipped over to do some grilling, but not have the fat drip into the depths of the stove. Of course by the time I've paid off my loans and saved some money to buy some property, the price of land in California will be so artificially inflated that I'll never be able to afford even a smidge. I don't actually see that happening in my lifetime.

JtI: Then are you still going to be working for the state after your loans get paid off?

JtA: Probably.

JtI: Why?

JtA: I don't care for change?

JtI: Was that a question?

JtA: Yeah. I'm one of those weird people who don't really like to see things change, but I really don't like it when things are always the same, either. Ruts bore me. Alterations scare me. So I guess I'm saying that I'd be really happy if everything was always the same, but in a way that made it completely different. Does that make sense?

JtI: No. Moving on, other than paying off your loans, what would you like to do with the money you're now making?

JtA: Go on a vacation. I haven't been on a real vacation since spring break my last year of college. Sure, I didn't go anywhere exciting, but I also didn't have to think about anything that had to do with anything. Sure, I went and visited some friends in the East in August, but that was only a weekend and a weekend isn't really a vacation. Plus, I had just been hired by the job I have now, so that was on my mind the whole time and even though I didn't have to be back to work for a few days after my trip East I traveled to North Bay to look for a place to live and packed. I didn't really have any time off. I would really like a vacation.

JtI: Where would you go?

JtA: Right now, no where. I can't afford to go anywhere.

JtI: If money were no object?

JtA: Where wouldn't I go? Europe; England, France, and Italy mostly (I'd gorge myself on bread and cheese). Visit my friendish person who's still living in China and force him to show me the sites, but keep me from getting run over by tanks. Australia. Hawaii. Antarctica would be cool. (BOOO! HISSSS!) On a more realistic scale, Disneyworld or Disneyland would be a lot of fun. I want to go to New York and watch a bunch of plays on and off Broadway; it'd be really cool to see RENT on stage. Or maybe spend a week in Washington DC exploring the Smithsonian. I'd be willing to do all this on my own, but it'd be more fun to do them with someone coming along, though.

JtI: So why not just take the time and do something?

JtA: First, not enough money. Second, no one to do things with. Third, no drive or ambition. Fourth, no passion f--

JtI: No passion?

JtA: Not really.

JtI: Isn't there something that you want that drives you forward toward something better in life?

JtA: No.

JtI: Really?

JtA: Well, not that I can think of, at least.

JtI: Then think about it!

JtA: I have thought about it. I've thought about it a lot and the more I think about it the more I keep drawing a blank. There are some things that I like doing, but people don't get paid for doing those things, but I'm not really passionate about those things. Hell, I've tried to remember what I was passionate about when I was a little kid, tried to remember things I dreamed about being that lasted more than a week. I can't remember anything like that. There were times later in my life when I considered thing, but mainly because they seemed the practical thing to do, not because I really wanted to do them or felt any passion toward them. Last weekend, I finally admitted to my dad that I'm not going to go to grad school. I've known ever since I moved away from Cow City that I wasn't going to go back to school for a master's degree, but I continued to tell everyone else that I wanted to. I don't, though. I haven't for almost a year now.

JtI: So, what do you want?

JtA: Well, that's the multimillion, life altering question, isn't it? What the fuck do I want? Is it okay for me to say that I want nothing and I want everything? That I don't know what I want, but what I want is so unrealistic that I try not to think about it? My mom once mentioned giving me something that said “Dare To Dream” on it to help me to free my mind. Ignoring the fact that I think the idea is hokey, I don't think lack of dreaming is my problem, I think it's not having something to dream about that is.

JtI: So, what are you going to do?

JtA: Live my life like I'm living it until I find a way, a thing, or a person to make me want to live it in a different way.

JtI: That's not the happiest thought, is it?

JtA: No, but it's an honest one.

JtI: Thanks for the interview.

JtA: You're welcome.