Monday, December 08, 2008


I am anxious about my appointment to see the psychiatrist on Thursday.

Why am I seeing a psychiatrist? Well, when I went to speak to my general practitioner about getting on an anti-depressant, I freaked her out by being honest. Not my normal sort of honest where I leave more scary bits out to make me sound like I'm better off than I think I am, but totally honest. Like I wrote before, it freaked her out.

After our talk, she left the room to call the psychiatric department to get me an appointment the next day and then gave me a number to call as soon as I got to my apartment. I called the number and it turned out to be the emergency psychiatric help line and the woman I talked to started out by trying to convince me to head up to the psychiatric center and getting a room, there, for the night. After explaining myself to her, by telling her the same things I told the GP earlier just more slowly, she agreed that I could stay in my apartment as long as I'd go and see the psychiatrist the next day, which I had already told the GP I'd do.

I went. I told him the same stuff that I told the other people the day before. He wanted me in a group situation. (I went to a class the next week. I signed up for a group that starts in January.) He set up an appointment for me with him for this Thursday.

This time, I have no idea what we're going to talk about.

I have nothing new to say.

I don't feel or think anything different after four weeks of it.

Will it just be a waste of a co-pay?

I know, it'll be what I make of it, right? It's up to me to turn this into something positive for me, right? It's a fucking choice that I have to fucking make, right?

Well, shit.

I'll see what comes.

It's what I do.

I go to sleep. I wake up. I go to work. I leave work. I go to sleep. And I see what it was.


heels said...

Just my opinion, but I think it's really important to have someone professional review your progress while you're on any kind of treatment program. There may be changes that you, stuck in your own head all day, don't notice but that s/he will. I also think that you should take any opportunity you get to speak with someone outside of the group "therapy." I know that I would have trouble opening up to a group much more than to an individual.

ticknart said...

The group things here don't work like I think you think they work. We don't all sit in a semi-circle and introduce ourselves and blah-blah-blah about our lives/problems. It's about going over homework and identifying the thoughts that lead to whatever the problems are and then trying to counter the bad thought with something positive that we can actually believe. (I have a lot of trouble with the last part.)

Opening up to one person may be easier than opening up to a group, but since I've never felt good, during or after, spilling my shit on anyone.

Still I agree that it's important to have that professional help, I just hope that I'm not the one who's supposed to lead the discussion. I can't think of anything more to say than I've already said.

geewits said...

I can't tell you how happy I am that you are taking these steps. Some of your posts really had me worrying about you. I can tell you have a good heart and you deserve to be happy. Just go in there and tell the guy, "I'm willing to do my part to make my life better, and I'm looking forward to your help. What do we do now?"

Jazz said...

What Geewits said.

It's great that you're taking steps to help yourself. Good for you.

ticknart said...

I don't know what to say, except thanks.