3

At this moment, I can rank this day as a 3. This day was a 2. I've experienced one 1. I'd rank my usual day at 6, sometimes crossing over to 7, rarely dipping into 5. Off the top of my head, I can remember one 9 and several 8s. I don't think I've ever had a 10.

I my entire lunch hour walking. It's been raining today, so the air on the small roads smelled fresh. Sort of like the breeze of the ocean early in the morning. I think my walk is what has kept the day from slipping into 2 territory. I went for a short walk on my break at three.

Part of me wishes for a 2 because I'd tell them I have to leave and just leave. At a 2, it's nearly impossible to function. It's more like going off of instinct, thought just evaporates. A 3 is a different beast all together.

At a 3, the brain function just fine and I find myself thinking things that I don't like to think and that most of you wouldn't like to believe I think. One thing I keep thinking about is going to see someone about these infrequent moments of... I'm not sure what word to use here. (At first I thought "horror," but that's not right. "Pain" was next word to pop into my head, but to me pain is more physical than emotional and intellectual. That's when I got stuck and wrote those eight words.) I don't want to see someone, though. Why should I pay someone who I don't know and don't trust to tell half-truths to so I can either have everything I say "reflected" back at me, or be asked how things make me feel, or be told things about myself that I already know. And thinking about seeing someone makes me think about pills and how expensive they are and how after a time your body can start blocking the chemicals causing you to have to abandon that one for another and then there's always the question about the placebo effect. I don't want to go see someone. I don't want to take any pills. (I have enough trouble taking aspirin or Tylenol for headaches.) I only feel this way, at most, twice a year.

I can get through this just fine.

Tomorrow, I'll feel okay.

All I want right now is get back to my apartment and shut the world out.

I'll be okay tomorrow.