Meditation

I've never been able to do it. Ever.

I remember when I was little, my dad used to meditated every morning. He'd sit cross-legged in the living room, close his eyes and just be, or something. Sometimes, I'd sit near him and imitate his posture. After a few minutes, my back would start feeling sore from actually sitting up straight and I get up and leave. I didn't get why he'd did it each morning. Eventually, I asked and I was told that it was a way for his mind and body to relax so they'd be ready for the day ahead.

To this day, that answer satisfies me. I know that meditation done right is more complicated and can lead to an opening of the mind and body, but I think the relaxation is something more immediate.

At on point in college, I was going a little nuts. I thought of meditation and thought that maybe it could help me focus and relax.

I didn't want to join any yoga or Eastern philosophy clubs, so I went to the library and read about meditation. The gist, that I got, was that one should sit in the "power" position and try to concentrate on one thing until that is all your mind is focused on and then let it go so your mind is free.

On a day that I didn't have to go to class and my roommates were gone, I cleared a place on the floor of my room and sat. I closed my eyes and thought of a candle flame. (It was on my mind since I had just re-read The Wheel of Time books.) At first everything seemed to be okay. The flame was all there was. There was nothing else.

Then a question popped into my mind: What's feeding the flame?
Followed quickly by another: Why yellow and not orange?

Soon came even more: Is it the fuel? What kind of fuel could make it blue or green? If there isn't fuel, how’s there a flame? Is the flame just floating in space? Is that how a flame would look without gravity? Is it air pressure that defines "up" for a flame? Would it look more like a ball than a drop in zero g? Would it still look like a ball if there's a wick? How would a flame thrower look? The gas is propelled, but would the actual flame still billow that way or would it look more like a cylinder?

More and more questions came until I wasn't even thinking about the flame any more.

I only lasted a few minutes that time before I realized that it wasn't going to work for me.

The next time I tried to meditate, I fell asleep for an hour. And like every nap I've taken that I could remember, I woke up tired, angry, and with a headache.

Then next time, I tried concentrating on a sound. Just a monotonous hum. Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Hummmmmmmmmm. I had to try hard not to hum a rhythm and not start singing in my head. Eventually, I gave up.

I tried several more times with the results falling into these three categories. Not once did I feel more relaxed or focused afterward.

Occasionally, I still try to meditate. It still doesn't work. I'd like it to work, but my brain just doesn't want to shut down.