A Painting My Brother Did

 

It now belongs to me.

A Beehive State of Mind

 Each morning, shortly after I wake up, I wish I were in Utah.

Sometimes while I'm peeing. Sometimes while I'm showering. Sometimes while I'm brushing my teeth. Always withing twenty minutes of rising out of my bed.

During the rest of the day, thoughts of Utah intrude. Over and over again.

I wish I were in Utah as I turn off the lights and close my eyes.

As I've written in the past, I have not plans to send myself to Utah, but many times a day, I wish I were already there.

Dear Critics,

Please stop using words like "you," "we," and "us" when describing how a book/song/movie/TV show/whatever makes you feel.

You are not me. You do not know me. You do not tell me how things make me feel. (Sometime I have trouble knowing how things make me feel and I'm me.)

You are you. You know you. Tell me how the things make you feel.

Then take the time to explain why the thing makes you feel the way it makes you feel.

The delicious prose. The rocking riff. The color of the lighting. Why do they make you feel what they make you feel? Help me to understand why creators make the choices they make through your lens.

But don't say that the things make us feel the same. They may, but they may not.

*hugs*

ticknart

Over and Over Again

 I think I've listened to "Conventioneers" more than sixty times today. It was the only song I listed to as I drove from work to the house.

A lot of my favorite songs are the ones that sound contradictory to their lyrics and/or ultimate meaning. And "Conventioneers" is one of those songs.

The tune and the way Mr. Page sings are pretty darn sexy. And the first part of the lyrics are all about coworkers being attracted to each other and sneaking off to screw. The speaker (singer?) even says "I'm already thinking marriage / I know that in the past it was something I'd disparage" and "As we danced, I could see in your eyes / You and me as senior citizens in love." Clearly imagining something beyond the one night.

After sex, though, he sings, "Then you slept, and I dressed, and I left."

To make it worse, when they get back to work after the convention the speaker asks "How can I just avoid a conversation?" and ultimately decides that "It'd be great / If you transferred out of state" to solve what he sees as a problem.

He wants her to move. To. A. Different. State! Because he feels awkward now.

So unsexy and cruel and awful and against the tone of the music and voice.

So delicious to my ears.

Also, I really like this image: "You stationed in the warm glow of the TV / Too patient as I'm playing L1 O1 V4 E1." (The point value is important, even if the number aren't sung.) In my mind, the light flickers and changes colors occasionally as whatever they're watching (the hotel's info channel probably) cuts from scene to scene while the extra small tiles are placed.

And this bit as the emotional transition of the song: "Before all the fireworks exploded / Our conversations were so loaded, innuendo flying / Now what can we say?"

I want to hear it again.

A Moral Quandary

I learned yesterday that The Dresden Doll are touring again and will be with a couple of hours of where I live this fall.

On the one hand, this band was very important to me in the mid-2000s. I remember the good radio station playing Coin Operated Boy just enough that I kept the station on all the time so I could hear it again. The music is a fun tune with lyrics about loneliness and, I'll say it though many disagree, self pleasure. I'm a big fan of when the music is counter to message of the lyrics.

Then one night, while I drove home from work, after 11:30, the station announced a new song by The Dresden Dolls and played Girl Anachronism. Something in my brain shifted that night. The rawness of the emotion. The brutality of the lyrics. The wonderful piano bashing to emphasize frustration. The song was exactly what I needed in the moment and I had to buy the album. If vinyl had been the order of the day, I would have worn the grooves flat listening to the album.

On the other hand, even if the direct allegations against her aren't true, she was complacent in the sexual abuse her ex-husband performed while they were married. An open marriage is one thing, good thing, but not warning the women in your life, the women you bring into your home to care for your son, that your husband is a sexual predator and then not working to remove them from the situation is something else entirely.

Do I want to give my money and my time to a person like that?

Dear Fanfic Authors,

I have a request. It's a simple request: Please stop apologizing when you post a chapter.

I understand the impulse to apologize when you do something that you think is later than it should have been or when the ginger snaps you make aren't as snappy as they should be or the fire in the woodstove heats the house too well. (Yes, these are all my experiences.) It's an impulse (habit?) that I've been working on for several years.

I also understand that the apologies hit differently when a fic is read as the chapters are posting.

But it's annoying when the fic is complete(ish) and every other chapter has an apology attached to it. It's cool with me you acknowledging that the chapter is later than you'd hoped, but there's no need to apologize. Your fic is a gift that you are giving to all of us. We are not paying you for it. Fanfiction is not (and should never) be transactional. You do not owe us the chapter. People should be thanking you every damn time you post a chapter.

Please remember, your fic will be around for a long time. (Unless you get filled with a stupid, craziness and erase everything.) More people will, hopefully, read and enjoy your fic after you are done with it. If there's no reason to apologize to the people reading as you post, there's even less of a reason to apologize to those of us reading it later.

I enjoy your fic. I'm glad to have read it. I want you to enjoy writing the fic and I want you to know that it is appreciated.

Be well.

Maybe... Different Genders?

I've been (obsessively?) listening to the Maybe Happy Ending soundtrack. I'm looking forward to seeing it when it's in my neck of the woods in 2027.

For those who don't know, the the main characters are robots. One presents as male and the other female. They fall in love. Well, love-ish.

But I wonder, since they're robots, will they be cast presenting as the same gender or agender or non-binary? I think the show would be just a beautiful if they did. And since they are friggin' robots, gender presentation shouldn't be built into the script. Right?

I hope it happens soon, but considering how long it took to get a gender swapped version of Company...

You Don't Pass or Fail This Test.

It's been nearly six months since I did an autism assessment and my therapist suggested that I write this down because of, you know, dwelling.

I decided to share this because most of the information I found about doing autism assessments as an adult came from the UK. Having both public and private healthcare options at least gives some options. Also, the UK is less than 100,000 square miles. The state I live in, in the USA, is more than half again as big.

I expect that this will be long, disjointed, ramble-y, and that I'll go off topic.

So, a bit over 14 months ago I did a treatment called transcranial magnetic stimulation to try to help me with chronic depression. I got the treatment each weekday for 7 weeks. Once a week I would "meet" with two doctors via teleconference for 5-15 minutes. During the fourth or fifth meeting one of the doctors suddenly asked if I was autistic. The question seemed to come out of nowhere, especially because this doctor had only spoken with me for less than an hour over the course of several weeks. It made me wonder, though.

The next time I saw my General Practitioner, I mentioned it to her and she jumped on the idea. She said I should absolutely do it, with hardly a thought. One thing to understand is that I've known my GP since we were in high school together. We were friendly, but not friends. It was a friend-of-a-friend thing. Still, she's known me for more than 20 years and her quick reaction was intriguing and scary.

I went home and started to research what went in to getting an assessment as an adult because most assessments out there are for children and most clinics and doctors don't do adult assessments. I found some blogs and videos made by people who had an adult assessment, all from the UK. So, more research for USA assessments.

Here's what I found: None of the clinics and doctors I found who do autism assessments for adults take insurance, only cash. None of the clinics or doctors I found online would do an in-person assessment, only telehealth.

Fun fact about me: I HATE teleconferences. HATE them! Camera comes on and faces appear on screen and my brain starts screaming, "GET OFF! GET OFF! JUST SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO END THIS!" Not exactly what you want to have going on in your brain while going through a psychological assessment. Hard to give honest and complete answers.

My therapist didn't know of any local or local-ish options either. Autism is not her specialty.

The next time I saw my GP she asked me about my research. I told her I hadn't found anyone I could go to. She pulled out her phone and gave me the contact information for the PsyD who had recently done assessments for her wife and son. He wasn't local, but she assured me that he'd see me in person.

And so, I contacted the PsyD. Like everyone else, he did not take insurance, but his rates weren't horrible and I'm fortunate to have some savings. I scheduled three appointments, two for assessment times and one for the results. I could have done all the assessment in one go, but thought that a 4-5 hour appointment wouldn't be a good thing after the drive I was going to make. Also, I had to book hotels. Hooray! Now I have even less savings.

Anyway...

The title of this post was one of the first things the PsyD said to me when we started the autism assessment. I suppose it's a good thing to say to most people. I, however, went into the assessment not knowing the answer that I wanted. Without that, how could there be a pass or fail?

Anyway...

The assessment was sort of a lot of different games.

There was a set of letters and numbers on a page. I connected the numbers in sequence. Then I connected number 1 to letter A to number 2 to letter B and so on. These were timed.

The PsyD put a finger through holes in a piece of paper and then I repeated it.

There was a sort of Guess Who game. A series of images and I had to ask yes/no questions until I figured out what the PsyD had picked. I don't remember if I only had a certain number of questions. I don't think there was, though, because I figured them all out, eventually.

There was pattern recognition stuff. I got a series of images and had to pick the next one. I was given a bunch of cubes that were red and white then had to recreate the pictures that were on the tablet. It reminded me a lot of the tangram game that I used to play as a kid, Tangoes.

I did a couple of series of math and word problems. There was a word game where the PsyD would use a made-up word, like clest, and I'd have to guess the meaning and then the PsyD would give a sentence to add context and I'd guess again and a new sentence and a new guess for five or six times.

There were some listening exercises. One was the PsyD giving me instructions and then asking what the fourth step was or what was supposed to be done after such-and-such. Another was a series of recordings and answering questions about what was said.

Between the "games," the PsyD asked general knowledge questions. History. Life skills.

We discussed sensory sensitivities. Smells I don't like. How I reacted to noises. Textures that I can't stand. The fact that I don't like touching people or being touched by people. The difficulties of eye contact and the methods one can use so other people think you're looking at their eyes.

We talked about my enjoyment for fictious histories (science fiction, fantasy, and super-heroes especially) and my occasional obsessions over minutiae.

We also talked about the patterns I follow and how I park five minutes away from my office, out in the dirt, because I get to park in the same place 99 days out of 100 and my reactions to that 1 day that I can't park in my usual spot.

I also spent a while explaining, as I have for every mental health professional I've ever spoken with, the difference between being alone and being lonely and how being alone doesn't mean being lonely. It's discussion that is always, unfortunately, necessary.

I did several written self-assessments. One for depression. A couple on autistic traits. A few others for general emotional and intellectual health.

My favorite part of the assessment were the story telling sections because I really enjoy stories. For the first I was given a drawing and asked to explain what was happening and why in the picture. For the second I was given a picture book and asked to tell a story using the images; this was hard because I didn't know what was going to appear when I turned the page. Why the heck was there a knight from a chess game after the third page turn, but not on the ones before it and how do I fit it into the story I'd already started to tell. For the third and final story telling section I was given a bag of objects and told to pick five to use to tell a story.

During my assessment, the PsyD four times said, "Not in [blah blah] years of giving this test has anyone [blah blah]." I'm not sure how I feel about it now. I wasn't sure how to feel about it then.

The first and second times were during general knowledge questions.

The first was "Who is Catherine the Great?" I knew she was an Empress of Russia. He said no one had ever correctly answered the before. And I guess that's okay. We're in the USA and, in my experience, people in the US don't know US history very well. I wouldn't expect the average person in the US to know European history. The PsyD asked me if I knew it because of the interest in general history we'd established I have. I had to say "No" because I researched who she was after hearing the lyrics "And if you think of her as Catherine the Great / Then you should be the horse to help her meet her fate" from the song "Go Home" by Barenaked Ladies. I wanted to get the joke. What do you mean most people don't break out an encyclopedia to research the historical allusions in pop rock songs?

The second time came when I was asked at what temperature water boils. I answered, "212 degrees Fahrenheit at sea level." He paused and looked at me and looked at his computer and looked at me again and said that no one had ever qualified the temperature at sea level when he'd asked the question. This did surprise me. I assumed that autistic people would be more likely to be precise in answering questions. Maybe it has to be a question about something you're really interested in though? I'm interested in preserving foods. You have to lengthen canning times at higher elevations because water boils at lower temperatures due to lower air pressure and you need to make sure you heat everything enough to kill the bad bacteria and whatnots. At the elevation I live at, water boils around 206 degrees Fahrenheit and I need to add several minutes to the canning times. Don't even get me started on pressure canning low acid foods: gotta adjust the PSI to make sure water doesn't even start boiling until it's close to 240 degrees Fahrenheit. Learn more!

The third time was while I was filling out a written assessment. It was a rate the statement from never to always and one of the questions read: "Daydreaming; spiciness" and I was like WTF? Okay, so, one of the reasons that I went to see a PsyD whose practice is nearly 400 miles away from where I live is because he was the only one who I spoke to who was willing to do the assessment in person. Everyone else said video conference only. Being in person would allow a level of comfort so I would ask questions when I had a hard time understanding what part of some questions were important. And this one was the most baffling to me. Daydreaming? Semicolon? Spiciness? Was it supposed to be about? Daydreaming about Thai food? Daydreaming about sexiness? Was it about a choice: daydreaming or spiciness? So, I asked, "Spiciness?" and he said, "What?" and I lifted the paper and pointed to the question and I said, "Spiciness." He took the test from me and read over the question. After a bit he said, "I've been using this test for 10 years and never noticed that before. No one's pointed it out." He told me to pick the middle score so it would balance out. To this day, I wonder, was it part of the test to see if a person would just answer the question without asking about it? It's hard for me to believe that no one else who's taken this exam wasn't confused by "Daydreaming; spiciness." Other people had to wonder, right? Were they just afraid to ask?

The fourth time was during the final story part of the assessment. As written above, I got to choose 5 objects from a bag full of stuff and was told to tell a story that used the objects. I very carefully chose objects that I believed would be found together. Objects I've seen sitting on kitchen or coffee table. I proceeded to tell a story about the objects and how they tried to help each other. I made sure that they all interacted with one another and gave them traits to make them unique. I even brought the story to an end where a couple of the characters were physically and/or emotionally changed. The PsyD said that it may have been the most creative story that he'd ever heard in his time doing this kind of assessment. I'll admit that his statement made me feel really good. Like I wrote earlier, I like stories. I like to experience them. I like talking about them. I like telling them. It's always nice to know that I've done a good job.

One thing, though, on my drive away, maybe an hour later, it occurred to me that there were no humans in my story. I anthropomorphized the objects, but I could have told a story about a person using the objects. As I drove, I thought about the objects that were in the bag and figured out what story I would have told if it had occurred to me to tell a story about humans. I wondered, and still wonder, if anthropomorphizing was more "normal" or more on the spectrum.

The next week I made the long drive again to get my results.

The PsyD began by reminding me that you don't pass or fail this test. He gave me a paper copy of my results and a pen for taking notes. He then said that if there was a scale from 0-10 for autism, he'd rank me as a 3.

After I sat with this information for a little while, I told him I was ready to move on and we went through the results page by page.

We played a game that was sort of like Guess Who? except it had all sorts of things, not just people. While looking over the objects, I noticed that if I asked one question the choices would go from a lot (I want to say 36ish?) to six or seven choices. (I think it was asking if if the choice had wings.) So, that was my first question each time. It worked once out of the three or four times we played, but it worked. When I got my assessment results this way of playing was considered an autistic tendency. When I asked him why he basically said that the first question should have been the one that eliminated half the choices each time. (That question would have been asking if the choice is living.)

This confused me because why is asking one question considered an autistic trait while asking another is not? Either way you are just asking the same question each time you begin. I've played Guess Who? for years with wide variety of ages (It's something that happens when you're the oldest cousin and the youngest is more than 20 years younger than you are.) and the most common question is asking if you are a boy or a girl because you can knock down half of your tiles. But if you ask if they have facial hair you can cut the choices down to five. When you win, you win big. And since the other player's choice is a random card, they can't fight your pattern. The PsyD got to choose the item each time.

Logically, I know that trying to cut the choices in half each time is probably the best play, but it feel so good when your first question knocks down 21 tile. Maybe I'm trying to rationalize away an autistic trait. Maybe it's a stupid data point in the assessment. I'm going to continue to ask if their card has facial hair, first.

Something that surprised me was learning that part of the assessment was an intelligence test. He said it was a standard thing.

I want to make it clear here that I am not bragging, but I'm afraid that it may come off as bragging or whining about something that I should be proud of/grateful for.

There are five parts to the intelligence test. I scored very well on two parts. On one part I scored very, very well. On the other two parts I scored just fine.

The PsyD told me that this is probably one of the reasons I have trouble connecting with people. He said that I process information differently, faster than most people and that sets me apart from them. This, he explained, is one of the things that makes me so different from everyone else.

He meant this as a good thing. A way that I could better understand myself. Maybe even something to be proud of.

But, for me, this is the most wounding part of the assessment. Learning whether or not I am on the spectrum was the point on this. Learning that I am different in a way that's... I dunno. Let me explain a bit of my insanity:

One of my greatest desires, for as long as I can remember, was to be "normal." Or at least perceived to be "normal" by people.

Why?

Well, because being normal means you're left alone. Ignored. You're safe. I want to fade into the background and be barely noticed.

Because I've been fat for as long as I can remember (my clothes came from a special aisle of the kids clothing section), I could never really be "normal" by just keeping my mouth shut. I had to work at it.

When I learned that it was "weird" for a kid to take ball and bounce it alone in the corner of the playground, I discovered that if I stood in line for 4-square or tetherball I didn't have to speak with the other kids, but everyone thought I was interacting. Bam! "Normal"!

When I learned that you weren't supposed to watch TV shows that were geared toward younger kids or kids who weren't of your perceived gender... well, I didn't stop watching those shows because I enjoyed them. I watched the shows with giant robots and lasers, and the shows with groups of friends in rainbow colors, sometimes also in fruit flavors, who would offer the villains friendship, and the shows that taught kids numbers and letters and empathy, but I didn't talk about two out of the three groups of shows with people who were outside of my family.

When I was outright told by other kids, of all genders, that it was wrong for me spend time with people who weren't of my perceived gender, I stopped spending time, outside of the classroom, with those who weren't of my perceived gender. This one hurt because I couldn't spend time with people I liked and I believe genuinely liked me. I still feel guilty over this, but I didn't want to stand out.

I want to make this clear: wanting to be "normal" is wrong and stupid and a lot of exhausting work. I don't want anyone out there to be something other than themselves. I want my siblings and parents and nephews and niece to be happy with who they are. I want this for everyone out there.

The good news is that I don't have to put on this kind of a show as much. Not because I've gotten over it, but because as I've gotten older, I'm less required to be social.

Also, I want to say that I never felt wrong or bad being me. I enjoyed bouncing a ball by myself. I enjoyed the TV shows and people I enjoyed. I'm cool with my sexuality and gender (once I learned there were words for who I am). It's always been for other people so that I could feel safe.

Anyway...

I've known I'm officially on the spectrum for about six months and I still don't know what to think about it or how to... I don't know, understand it?

I've visited websites and forums, but they haven't been helpful. There are a lot of people out there who tell others that they aren't being autistic properly. You should do this. You shouldn't do that. You're hurting other autistic people by just trying to live your life comfortably and safely.

Maybe my therapist is right. Maybe getting this out of me will help. Not right now, but maybe tomorrow?

The Problems Persist

I really hoped that after nearly 800 years the Klingon bullshit would have mellowed out some, but it's more like they quadrupled down on the bullshit.

I thought Jay-Den would be a savior, not an enabler.

Edit 1/30/26

I've been sitting with this for 24ish hours now and I have thoughts:

If we had been show Jay-Den practicing healing and getting smacked down by the Klingon bullshit, I would have been happier. I would have actually learned about Jay-Den. As it is, we are only told by his brother that Jay-Den likes science and healing and we see their dad calling healing a worthless pursuit. We never see Jay-Den's experience with what we are told he loves.

Imagine if there had been a scene where Jay-Den sets a broken leg of his family's pet targ and then places a spint. He smiles. He's proud. His brother is proud. And then his father come and kills the targ because it's a wounded beast. We would see his pain.

Or, going with what we see in the episode itself, what if shortly after Thar died Jay-Den said, probably under his breath, that it would have been more honorable for his brother to have been healed and to die in a real battle rather than being poisoned in a fight at some crap vendor on Krios.

As it is, Jay-Den did almost nothing in the episode. Other people do stuff for and to him. Thar give him the idea of going to the academy. Darem gets him to focus. One of his dads stops him from even trying to heal his brother. His family abandons him. He does nothing and I learn nothing about him.

Well, that's not quite true. I learned that he wants to kiss Darem, but is afraid to do it. I wholeheartedly support these two kissing. Sooner rather than later, please.

Klingons... Man, I have so much to more to say...

New TV Introvert

I've watched the first few episodes of Best Medicine and it's okay. I haven't watched Doc Martin, which this show is based on, so I don't know how to compare. It's clearly a weird town show, like Stuckeyville in Ed or Stars Hollow in Gilmore Girls or a million other TV shows.

Josh Charles plays the big city doctor who comes to the weird town. He's not a social person. I'm always interested in how pop culture portrays the introverted and I'm tired of introverts being portrayed as hating people the doctor even says he hates people in the second episode and it annoyed me.

Most introverts that I know don't hate people. They just don't want to be around people. I'd like to see that once. Just someone who doesn't want to go to the crab feed, or whatever, because they don't want to be overwhelmed, but they are pleasant and kind when it's a one-on-one experience.

Better introvert representation, please. 

A Revisit Dream

Do you ever go back and visit places in your dreams?

I don't mean like a place you've been in real life, but a place you've only been in your dreams.

I have. In my dreams, I've watched a sleepy college town grow into a bustling city over the past 30 years. 30 years of real time, not dream time.

I was there again last night. I started in the transport station. I think I took the train, but it may have been a bus.

I ended up outside of the fence of the Japanese gardens. (I know they're Japanese gardens because that's what the sign says.) I've been there before and this time the gardens were very brown. They've always been green and lush and full of color.

Less Than 4 Hours To Go In My Wedge Of The World

 When your day begins with disappointment because you wake up, you'd think that what happens the rest of the day wouldn't effect you. It does, though.

Here's to a new year of hoping for the best and not quite being prepared for the worst!

A Dream Denied

I will never be invited to host Saturday Night Live.

That being said, if I were to be invited I know what my monologue would be:

I'd go out on stage and say how wonderful it is hosting for my 5th time. I'd carry with me a threadbare, button down, Mr. Roger's style sweater with a crappy, cut-out paper "5" pinned to it. An "audience" member insists that I haven't hosted 5 times and we argue. In the end, I'd ignore the "audience" member and start demanding that Candice Bergen and Danny DeVito come out to invite me to the Five Timers Lounge. Finally, Lorne Michaels or a cast member comes out and says no one's coming and makes me understand that it's my first time hosting. I'd fall to my knees in tears and say, "We have a great show tonight..."

Gone to the Movies Now #2: The Handmaid

 The Handmaid opens with one of the leads driving a car. She parks her car and puts on glasses.

This struck me as odd. I've know lots of people who are required, by law, to wear glasses while driving who take them off once the car's parked. (I don't understand this behavior. As one who wears glasses, I like to see as clearly while I'm walking around as I do while I'm driving, but that's just me.) However, I have never met anyone who can drive without glasses who decides to put them on before they get out of the car.

The beginning left me uneasy and that sense of unease didn't leave until about halfway through the movie. None of the leads are telling the full truth. The movie clearly wanted me to feel certain ways about the lead character, but they way that acted in or reacted to situations didn't seem quite right. I couldn't place my finger on it.

I felt the unease for a long time. Like long enough that I was questioning if I wanted to watch the rest of the movie. I wasn't going to leave because I paid my money, but still... did I want to be there?

Then there's an intimate moment when, rather than showing anything, the director moved the camara off the couple and onto an object, which was odd because there was some pretty serious sensuality with naked bodies not long before this scene. Why, I wondered, was that choice made?

And then the shit hit the fan and the movie became more focused and I started to enjoy myself.

I'm not going to say much about what happened, but I will say that I have rarely been so happy to see shoddy police work from a victim blamer.

Gone to the Movies Now #1

I've been holding on to movie tickets since late-ish 1995. Earlier this year, while sick, I entered the tickets into a spreadsheet. I'm sharing it here.

It's only a complete list of tickets I have, not all the movies I've seen in the theater. Also, I'm not always given a ticket when someone buys form me. A few were old style tickets that didn't list dates.

Anyway, here you go:

Title	Date Watched
Mortal Kombat	8/19/1995
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar	9/16/1995
Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls	11/11/1995
Toy Story	12/3/1995
Executive Decision	?/?/1996
James and the Giant Peach	4/14/1996
Dragon Heart	6/4/1996
Independence Day	7/13/1996
Mutliplicity	7/17/1996
Jack	8/25/1996
In and Out	?/?/1997
Scream	1/25/1997
Star Wars Episode 4: A New Hope Special Edition	1/31/1997
Star Wars Episode 6: Return of the Jedi Special Edition	3/14/1997
Batman and Robin	6/23/1997
Hercules	6/27/1997
Men In Black	7/3/1997
Face/Off	7/22/1997
Contact	8/6/1997
Spawn	8/7/1997
Contact	8/11/1997
Event Horizon	9/1/1997
The Full Monty	9/28/1997
The Game	10/12/1997
I Know What You Did Last Summer	10/18/1997
Bean	11/8/1997
Starship Troopers	11/8/1997
Gattaca	11/22/1997
Anastasia	11/22/1997
Alien Resurrection	11/28/1997
Scream 2	12/14/1997
Les Miserables	?/?/1998
Lost in Space	?/?/1998
As Good As It Gets	?/?/1998
Tomorrow Never Dies	1/2/1998
Good Will Hunting	1/18/1998
Titanic	1/19/1998
L.A. Confidential	2/15/1998
Primary Colors	3/23/1998
Grease	4/5/1998
The Object of My Affection	4/17/1998
The Truman Show	6/6/1998
Mulan	6/23/1998
Saving Privat Ryan	7/26/1998
The X-Files: Fight the Future	7/29/1998
There's Something About Mary	8/22/1998
Antz	10/17/1998
Pratical Magic	11/5/1998
Plesantville	11/14/1998
Star Trek Insurrection	12/12/1998
Prince of Egypt	12/19/1998
A Bugs Life	12/26/1998
Prince of Egypt	1/2/1999
Patch Adams	1/4/1999
Payback	2/6/1999
Shakespeare in Love	2/19/1999
Doug's First Movie	3/28/1999
The Matrix	4/2/1999
Elizabeth	4/30/1999
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace	5/22/1999
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me	7/14/1999
Muppets From Space	7/15/1999
South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut	7/16/1999
The Blair Witch Project	8/8/1999
American Beauty	11/9/1999
Pokémon: The First Movie	11/11/1999
Dogma	11/15/1999
Sleepy Hollow	11/23/1999
Toy Story 2	12/27/1999
Fantasia 2000	1/4/2000
Galaxy Quest	1/9/2000
The Talented Mr. Ripley	1/15/2000
High Fidelity	4/11/2000
High Fidelity	4/26/2000
Battlefield Earth	5/18/2000
Mission Impossible II	5/24/2000
Titan A.E.	6/19/2000
Chicken Run	7/12/2000
X-Men	7/16/2000
Scary Movie	8/1/2000
Almost Famous	10/1/2000
Bedazzled	10/22/2000
Charlie's Angels	11/10/2000
Fantasia 2000	12/14/2000
Emperor's New Groove	12/23/2000
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon	1/30/2001
Thirteen Days	1/30/2001
O Brother, Where Art Thou?	2/3/2001
Recess: School's Out	2/16/2001
Traffic	3/6/2001
Traffic	3/20/2001
Blow	4/7/2001
Shrek	5/28/2001
Evolution	6/9/2001
A.I. Artificial Intellengence	7/16/2001
Atlantis: The Lost Empire	7/22/2001
Planet of the Apes	7/28/2001
Legally Blonde	8/14/2001
Rat Race	8/18/2001
American Pie 2	8/24/2001
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back	8/26/2001
Harry Potter and the Sorcer's Stone	11/23/2001
Harry Potter and the Sorcer's Stone	12/11/2001
Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings	12/23/2001
Ocean's 11	12/31/2001
The Royal Tenebaum	1/4/2002
Beauty and the Beast	1/12/2002
A Beautiful Mind	1/22/2002
Gosford Park	1/29/2002
Ice Age	3/20/2002
Death to Smoochy	3/30/2002
Big Trouble	4/5/2002
The Business of Others	4/17/2002
Novocaine	4/24/2002
Storytelling	5/1/2002
Spider-Man	5/4/2002
Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones	5/17/2002
About a Boy	6/10/2002
Lilo and Stitch	6/29/2002
Men In Black II	7/12/2002
Spike and Mike's Sick and Twisted Festival of Animation	10/19/2002
The Santa Clause 2	11/11/2002
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets	11/20/2002
Solaris	11/29/2002
Star Trek: Nemesis	12/14/2002
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers	12/24/2002
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers	12/28/2002
The Triplets of Belleville	?/?/2003
Catch Me If You Can	1/19/2003
8 Women	1/28/2003
Igby Goes Down	2/4/2003
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind	2/6/2003
Roger Dodger	2/11/2003
Adptation	2/13/2003
The Crime of Padre Amaro	2/18/2003
Chicago	2/18/2003
Standing in the Shadow of Mowtown	2/25/2003
The Man From Elysium Fields	3/4/2003
Interview With the Assassin	3/25/2003
Chicago	3/27/2003
Bowling for Columbine	4/1/2003
The Quiet American	4/9/2003
Read My Lips	4/9/2003
Nicholas Nickleby	4/15/2003
Talk to Her	4/22/2003
Holes	4/28/2003
The Matrix Reloaded	5/19/2003
Bowling for Columbine	5/19/2003
Finding Nemo	6/7/2003
The Hulk	6/20/2003
American Wedding	8/2/2003
Man on the (?)	9/10/2003
Spellbound	9/17/2003
Under the Same Sky (?)	9/24/2003
Northfork	10/1/2003
The Good Thief	10/8/2003
L' Auberge Espagnole	10/15/2003
Kill Bill vol 1	10/15/2003
Winged Migration	11/12/2003
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World	11/26/2003
Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King	12/21/2003
Big Fish	1/11/2004
Lost in Translation	1/31/2004
Jersey Girl	4/5/2004
Hellboy	4/10/2004
Kill Bill vol 2	4/18/2004
13 Going on 30	5/9/2004
Troy	5/16/2004
Shrek 2	5/22/2004
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban	6/4/2004
Saved	6/19/2004
Fahrenheit 911	6/28/2004
Spider-Man 2	7/1/2004
Garden State	8/28/2004
Hero	9/12/2004
Garden State	9/15/2004
I Heart Hukabees	11/3/2004
The Incredibles	11/13/2004
Polar Express	11/13/2004
The Spongebob Squarepants Movie	11/20/2004
Sideways	12/28/2004
The Aviator	3/6/2005
Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy	4/29/2005
Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith	5/19/2005
Madagascar	5/27/2005
Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith	5/28/2005
Crash	5/31/2005
Batman Begins	6/16/2005
War of the Worlds	7/5/2005
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory	7/15/2005
Broken Flowers	8/27/2005
The 40-Year-Old Virgin	9/4/2005
The Corpse Bride	9/24/2005
Serenity	9/30/2005
The Weatherman	10/31/2005
Capote	11/5/2005
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire	11/18/2005
Serenity	11/19/2005
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire	11/23/2005
Shopgirl	12/3/2005
Rent	12/4/2005
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe	12/23/2005
The Producers	1/18/2006
Munich	1/22/2006
Good Night and Goodluck	2/12/2006
V For Vendetta	3/19/2006
Thank You For Smoking	3/31/2006
Sentinel	4/29/2006
Art School Confidential	5/29/2006
X-Men: The Last Stand	5/30/2006
Prairie Home Companion	6/9/2006
Cars	6/9/2006
Superman Returns	6/27/2006
An Inconvient Truth	7/9/2006
Clerks 2	7/22/2006
Strangers With Candy	8/15/2006
Little Miss Sunshine	8/19/2006
Pirates of the Caribbean: Deadman's Chest	9/26/2006
This Film is Not Yet Rated	9/30/2006
Hollywoodland	10/9/2006
Infamous	10/24/2006
The Queen	11/4/2006
Death of a President	11/9/2006
Stranger than Fiction	11/10/2006
Casino Royal	11/24/2006
For Your Consideration	12/16/2006
Dreamgirls	1/13/2007
Volver	2/10/2007
Pan's Labyrinth	2/12/2007
300	3/10/2007
Spider-Man 3	5/4/2007
Shreck the Third	5/19/2007
Waitress	5/28/2007
Hot Fuzz	5/29/2007
Knocked Up	6/24/2007
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End	6/26/2007
Sicko	7/4/2007
Transformers	7/7/2007
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix	7/14/2007
Hairspray	8/7/2007
The Bourne Ultimatum	8/11/2007
Super Bad	10/27/2007
In the Shadow of the Moon	10/28/2007
My Kid Could Paint That	11/6/2007
No Country for Old Men	11/17/2007
The Golden Compass	12/7/2007
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street	12/30/2007
Juno	1/1/2008
Cloverfield	1/18/2008
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street	1/29/2008
The Bank Job	3/9/2008
Forgetting Sarah Marshall	4/18/2008
Smart People	4/29/2008
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian	5/17/2008
Forgetting Sarah Marshall	5/20/2008
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull	5/25/2008
Iron Man	6/3/2008
Wall-E	6/27/2008
The X-Files: I Want to Believe	7/27/2008
The Dark Knight	8/9/2008
The Dark Knight	9/2/2008
Hamlet 2	9/16/2008
Tropic Thunder	9/23/2008
Pineapple Express	9/30/2008
Choke	10/21/2008
Zack and Miri Make a Porno	10/31/2008
Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist	11/4/2008
Burn After Reading	11/11/2008
Coraline	2/14/2009
Waltz With Bashir	2/21/2009
Adventureland	5/5/2009
Star Trek	5/8/2009
I Love You Man	5/12/2009
Star Trek	7/12/2009
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince	7/17/2009
Away We Go	7/24/2009
Moon	8/11/2009
District 9	8/22/2009
Capitalisism: A Love Story	10/2/2009
The Men Who Stare at Goats	11/11/2009
The Fantastic Mr. Fox	1/5/2010
The Princess and the Frog	1/19/2010
Up in the Air	3/9/2010
Alice in Wonderland	3/13/2010
Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief	3/23/2010
She's Out of My League	4/13/2010
Diary of a Wimpy Kid	4/20/2010
Iron Man 2	6/29/2010
The Last Airbender	8/10/2010
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World	8/14/2010
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World	8/26/2010
Easy A	9/24/2010
Megamind	11/11/2010
Paul	3/19/2011
Your Highness	4/16/2011
Scream 4	4/23/2011
Thor	5/8/2011
Bridesmaids	5/21/2011
Green Lantern	6/17/2011
Super 8	6/23/2011
Bad Teacher	7/12/2011
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2	7/17/2011
Captain America: The First Avenger	7/29/2011
Rise of the Planet of the Apes	8/27/2011
Moneyball	10/8/2011
Puss in Boots	11/5/2011
The Muppets	11/23/2011
The Adventures of Tintin	12/31/2011
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace 3D	2/11/2012
The Secret World of Arrietty	2/20/2012
The Hunger Games	4/6/2012
Cabin in the Woods	4/28/2012
Dark Shadows	5/17/2012
Prometheus	6/16/2012
The Avengers	6/23/2012
Brave	6/30/2012
Ted	7/12/2012
The Amazing Spider-Man	7/13/2012
The Dark Knight Rises	7/20/2012
The Bourne Legacy	8/18/2012
The Odd Life of Timothy Green	9/16/2012
Wreck-It Ralph	11/4/2012
Cloud Atlas	11/11/2012
Lincoln	11/17/2012
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey	12/16/2012
The Guilt Trip	12/22/2012
Les Miserables	12/30/2012
Man of Steel	?/?/2013
Warm Bodies	2/3/2013
Iron Man 3	5/4/2013
Star Trek Into Darkness	5/19/2013
This Is the End	6/15/2013
Now You See Me	6/19/2013
Pacific Rim	7/14/2013
The Heat	7/20/2013
We're the Millers	8/11/2013
The World's End	8/24/2013
Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Sea of Monsters	9/7/2013
Gravity	10/4/2013
Ender's Game	11/3/2013
Ender's Game	11/10/2013
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire	11/26/2013
Saving Mr. Banks	12/22/2013
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug	1/1/2014
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty	1/5/2014
That Awkward Moment	2/2/2014
Veronica Mars	3/13/2014
Divergent	3/22/2014
Muppets Most Wanted	3/31/2014
Captain America: The Winter Soldier	4/8/2014
X-Men: Days of Future Past	5/26/2014
A Million Ways to Die in the West	6/7/2014
Jersey Boys	7/15/2014
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles	8/18/2014
Guardians of the Galaxy	8/22/2014
This Is Where I Leave You	10/1/2014
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1	11/25/2014
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1	12/14/2014
Big Hero 6	12/17/2014
Into the Woods	12/25/2014
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies	1/3/2015
Cinderella	3/15/2015
Avengers: The Age of Ultron	5/3/2015
Avengers: The Age of Ultron	5/16/2015
Spy	6/7/2015
Inside Out	7/5/2015
Minions	8/2/2015
The Martian	10/26/2015
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2	11/27/2015
Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens	12/17/2015
The Big Short	1/9/2016
5th Wave	1/30/2016
Hail Caesar!	2/8/2016
Deadpool	2/20/2016
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot	3/6/2016
The Boss	4/9/2016
Keanu	4/30/2016
The Avengers	5/6/2012
Captain America: Civil War	5/7/2016
X-Men: Apocalypse	5/29/2016
Ghostbusters	7/25/2016
Star Trek Beyond	7/26/2016
Star Trek Beyond	7/27/2016
Suicide Squad	8/6/2016
Ant-Man	8/9/2016
Blair Witch	9/16/2016
Snowden	9/18/2016
The Accountant	10/15/2016
Doctor Strange	11/13/2016
Arrival	11/17/2016
Moana	11/29/2016
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story	12/17/2016
Hidden Figures	1/15/2017
The Lego Batman Movie	2/11/2017
Get Out	2/26/2017
Power Rangers	4/4/2017
Beauty and the Beast	4/9/2017
Alien: Covenant	5/20/2017
Wonder Woman	6/1/2017
Spider-Man: Homecoming	7/8/2017
War for the Planet of the Apes	7/16/2017
Wonder Woman	7/22/2017
Baby Driver	7/27/2017
The Dark Tower	8/5/2017
It	9/15/2017
Battle of the Sexes	10/8/2017
Thor: Ragnarok	11/4/2017
Justice League	11/20/2017
Coco	12/3/2017
Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi	12/17/2017
The Greatest Showman	12/31/2017
The Shape of Water	1/28/2018
The Post	1/30/2018
Black Panther	2/19/2018
Game Night	2/24/2018
A Wrinlke in Time	3/11/2018
Pacific Rim: Uprising	3/28/2018
Ready Player One	4/2/2018
A Quiet Place	4/8/2018
Isle of Dogs	4/15/2018
Avengers: Infinity War	4/28/2018
Deadpool 2	5/19/2018
Solo: A Star Wars Story	5/27/2018
Ocean's 8	6/9/2018
The Incredibles 2	6/17/2018
Ant-Man and the Wasp	7/7/2018
Teen Titans GO! To the Movies	7/28/2018
South Pacific	8/29/2018
The Happytime Murders	8/30/2018
Bad Times at the El Royale	10/17/2018
First Man	10/18/2018
Halloween	10/21/2018
Bohemian Rhapsody	11/12/2018
Fantastic Beasts: The Crime of Grindewald	11/17/2018
Widows	11/19/2018
Anna and the Apocalypse	12/8/2018
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse	12/15/2018
Aquaman	12/31/2018
Vice	1/7/2019
How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World	3/12/2019
Captain Marvel	3/18/2019
The Lego Move 2: The Second Part	4/1/2019
Shazam!	4/5/2019
Avengers: Endgame	4/27/2019
Long Shot	5/14/2019
Godzilla: King of the Monsters	6/1/2019
Rocketman	6/12/2019
Late Night	6/21/2019
Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood	8/16/2019
The Farewell	8/25/2019
Spider-Man: Far From Home	8/31/2019
Spider-Man: Far From Home	9/4/2019
It Chapter 2	9/7/2019
Brittany Runs a Marathon	9/23/2019
Downtown Abbey	9/26/2019
Ad Astra	9/30/2019
Abominable	10/7/2019
Joker	10/17/2019
Zombieland: Double Tap	10/24/2019
Doctor Sleep	11/12/2019
Jojo Rabbit	11/15/2019
Kives Out	12/8/2019
Star Wars Episode 9: The Rise of Skywalker	12/27/2019
A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood	1/1/2020
Frozen II	1/4/2020
Little Women	1/18/2020
Birds of Prey and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn	2/7/2020
Onward	3/8/2020
Invisible Man	3/11/2020
The Personal History of David Copperfield	9/6/2020
New Mutants	9/16/2020
Star Wars Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back 40th Anniversary	9/26/2020
The Suicide Squad	8/7/2021
Free Guy	8/13/2021
Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings	9/11/2021
Jungle Cruise	9/18/2021
Dear Evan Hansen	9/25/2021
Dune	10/24/2021
Spider-Man: No Way Home	1/17/2022
Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness	5/23/2022
The Bob's Burgers Movie	5/28/2022
Thor: Love and Thunder	7/10/2022
Thor: Love and Thunder	8/22/2022
Black Adam	10/30/2022
Black Panther: Wakanda Forever	11/19/2022
Puss in Boots: The Last Wish	1/15/2023
Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania	2/17/2023
Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves	4/7/2023
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3	5/6/2023
Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse	6/7/2023
Transformers: Rise of the Beasts	6/15/2023
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem	8/12/2023
Blue Beetle	8/26/2023
Marvels	11/10/2023
Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom	12/23/2023
Argylle	2/8/2024
Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes	5/10/2024
Furiosa	5/29/2024
Deadpool and Wolverine	8/3/2024
Red One	12/1/2024
Flow	1/18/2025
Captain America: Brave New World	2/15/2025
Companion	2/17/2025
Mickey 17	3/9/2025
Death of a Unicorn	4/1/2025
Thuderbolts*	5/3/2025
Superman	7/12/2025
The Muppet Movie	7/13/2025
Fantastic 4	7/26/2025
Toxic Avenger	8/31/2025
Spinal Tap II: The End Continues	9/12/2025
The Long Walk	9/19/2025
Predator: Badlands	11/11/2025
Wicked: For Good	11/23/2025
Wake Up Dead Man: A Knives Out Mystery	11/29/2025
The Handmaid	12/20/2025

I'm mostly happy with what's on this list. Some of the movies I don't really remember. That's not a good sign for those movies.

The Word, Not the Sentiment?

While driving home today, "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails started playing on the radio.

I know the song pretty well, from back in the day, but I didn't have cable TV at that time and don't think I ever heard it on the radio before.

I wasn't surprised that "fuck" was was edited out of "I want to fuck you like an animal." I live in the USA and we have issues with this word, for some reason.

However, I was a little surprised that the line "I want to feel you from the inside" was left unedited. I mean, that's just fucking, right? And as a lyric, I always thought it was more graphic imagery.

Does this seem weird to anyone else? Is it just me?

Laugh and Cry and Mostly Meh

 I've been watching Family Guy and... it's not very good.

But... there are moments:

• Hank Hill's dream.
• Obama singing "Honestly Sincere."
• The OJ Simpson opera that sounds like an actual opera.

There's not much, but it's enough that I keep watching.

Yes, I'm taking someone else's pain and making it about me in a passive aggressive way, but it's been a while.

Just once, after giving someone physical comfort, and I don't mean right after, but days or even a couple of weeks later, I'd like for a person to come to me and say, "Thank you for that hug and holding me while I was upset. I understand that you don't like touching or being touched by people and the fact that you did it for me while it caused you discomfort shows that you are not the cold, unfeeling person that you can appear to be. Thank you."

It doesn't have to be those exact words, but it would be nice to have it acknowledged that while I was giving a person the physical comfort they desired I was physically, emotionally, and mentally uncomfortable because of the touching. It had nothing to do with the sniffling or the awkward way they reached out for me. The touching.

Back Off, Kitty!

How do you explain to your cat (or dog or whatever pet lives with you) that today you just can't handle touching her or being touched by her?

I mean, when I've tried to explain this to human adults who speak my language and they don't understand and/or they get angry at me.

CBT

Why do psychiatrists always insist on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy after a thirty minute meeting?

I HATE Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. HATE IT!

It's like being given hours of homework for the subject you hate most.

Assignment 1: Do something you hate doing it.

(After Assignment 1: Feel bad about myself.)

Assignment 2: Do something else you hate doing.

(After Assignment 2: Feel bad about myself.)

Theory: Do the things you hate doing over and over and you'll rewire your brain and you'll enjoy it.

FUCK YOU!