Surrogate Family Syndrome

While at work:

• Are there birthday celebrations which include a cake, singing, and small talk on every birthday?
• Are gifts mandatory when a co-worker's grandchild is born?
• Do "Get Well" cards get passed around when someone is sick longer than three days?
• Does the whole office "chip in" to buy flowers for a co-worker who attended a funeral?
• Does the office become divided over issues about the copy machine, printers, or who cleans the refrigerator in the break room?
• Is there an office luncheon when someone is promoted, transfers to another department, moves, or finds a better job?
• Are you expected to socialize with co-workers outside of the office and pay for your own drinks?

Do you enjoy or become passionate about these any of these activities?

If so, you may have Surrogate Family Syndrome (SFS).

SFS is a disease that comes on suddenly for some people and creeps up slowly on others. People with SFS often don't even know they have it.

Symptoms include:

• Purchasing of birthday/get well/congratulation cards.
• Collecting money for cake, doughnuts, or pizza.
• Harassing others to chip in for any of the above.
• Organizing office karaoke nights.
• Shouting at a co-worker for talking about how certain others never refill the paper in the printer or copy machine.
• Encouraging people to join the "team" even though your office doesn't have or sponsor any sports teams.

If you are not experiencing any of these symptoms, good for you, but be wary, SFS may be creeping up on you.

If you have stopped complaining about the useless, time consuming celebrations and the expectations to chip in for the gift, if you feel the urge to volunteer to pick-up the doughnuts, if you talk about office karaoke night without irony, if you attend office karaoke night and sing or buy everyone a round, or if you find the people you work with becoming the only people you choose to socialize with, you are on the path to a full blown case of SFS.

To keep SFS from developing, here are some things you should do:

• Spend time with people who are not your coworkers: a spouse, a girlfriend or boyfriend, your children, old friends, or maybe even a family member.
• Do not sing at any birthday celebration.
• When non-birthday celebrations occur take food, but return immediately to your desk on the pretense that you have work.
• Do not chip in, no matter what.
• Sign all cards with clichés such as "Happy Birthday." or "Get well soon." If the chance occurs, write "Have a nice summer." and use a smiley face or a heart to dot the "i."
• Never attend an outside of work office get together that isn't thrown by your boss and therefore may as well be a work assignment.
• Always fill the printer and copy machine with paper.
• Do not store any food or other items in the break room refrigerator for more than one day. Make sure your items are out of the fridge every Friday.

SFS has been known to destroy people's lives before they even had a chance at developing one. If you or anyone you care about has developed any of the symptoms listed above, please get them help.

Surrogate Family Syndrome is a preventable and curable disease, please help us to wipe it out.

Brought to you by People Who Think Work Should Be About Work And Not About Creating A New Family That Has More Assholes And Fuckwits In It Than The Family You Were Born Into.