I'm rolling into one of my depressions. It's not depression in a clinical sense. Rather, it feels like an actual depression, like a bowl-shaped dip. At the bottom it's lonely and cold and sad, but it takes too much effort to roll back up the other side. I don't have the momentum.I like that. It's this wonderful image that makes me think Sisyphus. It's also right on, especially at the beginning.
I'd never have thought of this image, though. I've always thought of it more like being on a high pole where one wrong shift in weight or a strong enough breeze will send you falling into nothing. So it's best to stay as still as possible.
Maybe that's more what it's like later on.
6 comments:
I was going to say that I hate to keep repeating myself, but I realized I really don't. Please consider medication. If you just directed your doctor to your blog, he or she would be alarmed. I am.
The statement should be for me to reconsider medication. Trust me, I've considered it. A lot.
The thing is, and I'm sure this seem nuts to just about everyone, it'd be giving up one of the few things I feel like I control over something in my life that I don't feel like I have much control of.
I don't mean that I think I control the uncomfortable feeling between my stomach and lungs. It's the fact that I have a choice, a real choice that I can make and have made and can reevaluate when I choose to.
Is it the right choice? Maybe not.
Is it the best choice? For now.
I ain't gonna hurt myself or other people, so, for now, I am who and what I am.
Well, as a person on medication, I can say I felt that way too. The thing is, you are not in control at all. The odd chemical reactions in your body are in control. The medication gets those under control and then you TRULY are in control. I kick myself so often wishing I had pushed harder and earlier to find the right things for me. I feel like I wasted several years of my life - being "who and what I am."
"The thing is, you are not in control at all."
I have never felt in control.
I've always felt like a pebble in a raging river being pushed down stream where it wants me to go, forcing me to bounce off rocks and stones in random directions. Occasionally there are slow parts in the river and I run into a larger rock that's embedded in the ground and there, at that moment, I can make one small choice -- right or left -- and then I'm swept away in the torrent, again, rolling along the bottom, waiting until I reach another spot where I can choose right or left.
I have never felt like the star in the play/movie/TV show of my life.
I have never felt like I am the writer of my life.
I have never felt like the coach on the playing field of my life.
I have never felt like so many other similes that would put me in charge of thing.
(And all this from a guy who HATES the idea of predestination.)
Being able to make this choice, stupid as it may be, doesn't mean that I think I'm in control, but it does give me the illusion that I control something.
I usually loathe lying to myself, but sometimes I just have to.
My heart goes out to you. I wish I knew what to say. I'm thinking Geewits is right
You don't need to give me parts of your heart. Things are what they are right now, they'll be different later. That's all that anyone can expect.
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