Safe Return

Back from the party. I left there at 10:30ish.

I'm sure that everyone there had/is having a wonderful time. I kept putting my hand in my pocket feeling the note I wrote to remind me why I was going, why I was there. I never actually pulled it out, but touching it sent the message through my fingertips and I knew that I couldn't leave yet.

I sat in corners. I stood in corners. I hovered on the edge of groups of people, if I said something it was dirty, but usually said nothing at all. I stood in the breeze and smelled the salt in the air, although it could have been my imagination. I began a conversation with Venus, but I was interrupted. I didn't once start reading the book that was in my pocket. I had some fish, some chicken, two sodas, and a bottle of blackberry/pomegranate sparklely juice stuff. I hunted down cats to pet.

At several times, I found myself asking, "Why don't I just join in and drink? Why not use a social lubricant? It'd open you up. You'd join in with everyone and not sit near a group pretending to be part of it, while really staring out the window or at some girls chest." Then I'd remember why, a chill would go through my body, goose-bumps would develop on my arms, and I'd take another sip of my soda.

I arrived at the house early for the party, a little after 5:30, it wasn't "scheduled" (if you could call it that) to start until 8. I was there for about five hours. I knew it was time for me to leave when I was outside in the breeze and I could feel sweat beading up on my forehead and my hands started shaking. (This was also about the moment when I could easily count 25 people in the house.)

I said my good-byes to the people I knew. I walked out the door, hands shaking, sweat dripping, and my stomach lurched. Maybe it was the chicken or the fish or the sodas or something else entirely, but I was afraid I was about to empty my stomach on the porch. I moved quickly to the street, sat on the curb, put my head between my knees and took deep breaths. I didn't get in the car until I felt settled. Several times on the drive back, I had to release my grip on the steering wheel because I held it so tight, my fingers were getting sore.