Left work early yesterday. I just filled out the form saying I was sick, gave it to my supervisor to sign, and left.
I wasn't really sick, just fed-up, angry, frustrated, sad, depressed, afraid, and defeated.
It started, as usual, with the just waking up and coming to work thing. If you've read that post from a couple of days ago, you get it.
Then I read the responses to that post. To shorten and respond:
VOLUNTEER!
(Sorry, just too selfish to volunteer. Don't care to "help" people I don't care for or know.)
BURNOUT! GET SOME HELP!
(From whom? From where? Is there a magical person or pill or something that will suddenly make me forget the frustration and annoyance work creates by it blocking my ability to do my work in a timely, efficient, and accurate manner and just go?)
JUST STOP THIS CYCLE!
(What cycle? Before this new program was forced upon us I didn't like my thoughtless, skill-less job, but it was tolerable. All the horribleness I've been experiencing is new to me.
Or is this in reference to the do nothingness at my apartment?)
IT'S JUST NOT WORTH FEELING SO BAD!
(What's not worth feeling so bad? The job? Or quitting without another job in place and going to live with my parents all the while fearing that, as has happened in the past, I won't be able to find another job that doesn't involve me selling food and drinks to people and then smelling like the product I sell even after a shower?)
WHAT SORT OF JOB ARE YOU LOOKING FOR!
(The kind where I don't have to deal with people who want things or expect things or talk to me and yet I still get a paid a decent livable wage and a retirement fund that'll allow me to live comfortably when I'm older without having to work a part-time job.)
After that a coworker reminded me of a union meeting where they wanted to talk to us about the camel spunk program we're forced to use.
On the way to the meeting the supervisor cornered me to ask me how my job hunt was going. Then she decided to force feed me platitudes: "There's something out there waiting." (Well, I wish it'd stop waiting. I'm ready to move on!) "Everything will turn out in your favor." (I've yet to ever see evidence of that.) "It's always darkest before the dawn." (Bullshit, it's just as dark just before just before dawn as it is just before dawn.) "Good things come to those who wait." (Since when? I guess you can't say, "Help comes to those who help themselves" since so many interviews later I'm still at the same job.) "All you need is hope." (No, what I need is a new job.)
That really made thinking hard. Really, I only have the capacity to get through the day with bad thinking on only one subject. The shit program was the main one for yesterday because of the meeting. When she brought up job hunting and interviews and stuff that put another set of horrible thoughts in my head.
I rushed off to the meeting where the first thing I asked was what they hope to accomplish with this stuff. The lady said that they were holding these meetings at boards all over the state to find out what we all think. I asked again what, realistically, they hope to accomplish by gathering this information. What are they going to do with it? She glared at me, then sighed and said that at all the meet 'n greet, or what ever they're called, things people like her have with management, management keeps saying that this program works perfectly, better than expected, in fact, and that all the employees are happier than they've ever been. Basically, she told me, without using these actual words, that at these meet 'n greet things people like her want to have documentation to support them when they stand up and say "BULLSHIT!"
So we, her and eight people from my office, talked, well, complained really. Examples were given and suggestions were made. Will anything come of it? I have no faith in the union. Negotiations for our contract are going to be shut down after Tuesday so those who need to campaign can campaign during the month before the election. The Governator isn't going to have his people negotiate even if there's a lame duck legislature in November and December. Hell, he's even kept saying he's going to enforce his executive decision to keep our pay at $6.55 and hour and keep part-time people fired, at least until December. So, I think the meeting will do us no good and it didn't even make me feel good to complain with others.
On the way back from the meeting, knowing that I'd have to spend at least 30 minutes of vacation time on it, my supervisor cornered me and started going on about hope and faith and such fucking nonsense again. I pushed past her to get to my desk.
In my e-mail was a letter showing me jobs at schools. At schools dealing with annoying kids, but also their asshole parents. A lump grew in my throat.
I settled in, took a deep breath, and finished a pile of work, filled out the form, and said I was sick so I wouldn't have to be at work for five hours. I knew I wasn't going to be able to accomplish anything more for the day. I got it signed by the supervisor, who force fed some more clichés, and left.
At my apartment I basically did what I talked about in that post, just for five extra hours.
Around 8:30 this morning, my supervisor came over, put her hand on my shoulder, and asked how I was doing and, without waiting for an answer, started in again about a job search. I stopped her and told her that I can't have this conversation with her today or I'd have to leave again. She looked at me and smiled, like I was joking. Please leave, I said, moving my hands in a brushing away gesture. She moved out of my cubi and started in again. I interrupted her and said it was this sort of talk with her yesterday that made me leave and if she was planning to go on I'd have to leave again. She frowned at me. I turned back to my work and started talking. Please go, I said. She went.