Of Gatherings and Noses

I got a spontaneous bloody nose this morning. I think it happened during the first mocha of the morning, I can't remember. What I do remember is a wet feeling in my nose. I put my left hand up to the nostril, pulled it away, and looked. A bright red smear across the back of my hand, like a smudged kiss from a woman who used too much lipstick. Assistant Manager #2, who opened the store with me, finished the drink as I headed off to the bathroom to help with the clotting.

Spontaneous bloody noses are nothing new to me. When the air is dry, my nose tends to bleed. I remember my family's trip across Nevada to Utah. My nose suddenly started to bleed and it wouldn't stop. I didn't hold my head back because that just lets the blood run down the throat, which becomes sore, into the stomach, which becomes upset and eventually decides to evacuate its contents. I watched the blood congeal into something like soupy Jello. I was surprise. I thought that blood just turned hard, not slimy. I was wrong.

Today's bloody nose was a surprise because, unless it's happened while I was asleep, I haven't had a bloody nose since I moved to Cowcity. Maybe it was a defense mechanism against the people at work.

They keep asking me if I'm going to the thing tomorrow night. Each one of them. Each and every one of them has asked me if I'm going. The more they ask, the less I want to go. The more they ask, the more I want to dig my heels and prove that I don't have to do what everyone else is doing. The more they ask, the more I want to quit.

If this thing had happened last month, I would have gone. I felt like it was possible to have some future beyond being on the lowest rung of 'Bucks. Then I was told that there was no way I was going to be given a promotion. Not because I do poor work, I was told, but because I just don't seem motivated to doing more for the company. When I asked what "more" meant, I was told they weren't sure, but they'd know it if I achieved it. At that time, when no one knew when this celebration thing was going to happen, I asked if helping out with that would be a bit "more." They said it wouldn't. *sigh* If going to a work thing that I don't want to go to won't help me get a better position, why go? Don't I give enough time to the store?

When Assistant Manager #1 showed up, she told me to go. No asking, this time, she just told me to go. I ignored her and took orders and money from customers. From then on, when ever she was talking about the thing, she'd always make a point to say, "I think everyone is going, except--" and then she'd drop to a whisper, as if I didn't know she was talking about me. Does she really think this will get me to go?

After work and driving back here, I climbed back in bed and slept. I woke up at about two-thirty with my usual nap head-ache. I'm still tired.